Previously on "Celebrity Wrestling"...

Okay, well, I have a few confessions to make first. First of all, I hardly ever watch these kinds of shows – I love Big Brother (and Big Brother USA, which was FANTASTIC) but that’s about as much as this sort of thing as I can really take. I’ve never watched I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here or Fame Academy or Hell’s Kitchen or Strictly Come Dancing or any of those things. I don’t even read Heat magazine for God’s sake, although that’s largely because I blame it for The Death of Neon. Don’t get me started, etc. I’d never watched Gladiators or WWF either, although I do have dim memories of watching Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks pound the crap out of each other when I was younger. Those were the days, etc.

So, Confession Number One: I only really switched on Celebrity Wrestling because I’m a sucker for a cheap rhyme and I’d laughed out loud when I’d heard about “Lawler The Brawler”. So I’d tuned in hoping to hear someone go “LAWLERRRRRRRR THE BRAWLERRRRRR!” And, frankly, I wasn’t disappointed.

Confession Number Two: I’ve only heard of just over half of the people involved. On the Red Team (the Crusaders), I’d heard of Harry’s Dad Hewitt (aka Gentleman Jim), Jenny Powell (aka Avenger) and Jeff Brazier (aka Pocket Rocket) but only because of his connection to Jade. Jade would be GREAT on Celebrity Wrestling by the way – I bet the producers really wanted her and were gutted when she said no. I’d never heard of Lee Sharpe (aka Sharp Shooter) and couldn’t have told you whether Michelle Heaton (aka Inferno) was from Liberty X or Girls Aloud. I didn’t know Leilani Dowding (aka Vixen) either, but I was pleased to discover that she really looks like a friend of mine.

As for the Blue Team (the Warriors), I’d obviously heard of Lawler The Brawler and Victoria Silvstedt (aka The Ice Maiden), as well as Marc “Gianni DiMarco” Bannerman (aka – ha ha! – Diabolo). And Annabel Croft (aka Solitaire – classy, named after a Bond Girl), although I couldn’t have picked her out of a photo line-up. I’d never heard of Oliver Skeete (aka Rebel Rider) and am somewhat surprised to discover he’s a show jumper. I’d never heard of Iwan Thomas (aka Dragon) either. I had, however, heard of the co-host, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. He’s in a film with one of the all-time greatest titles, “Hell Comes To Frogtown” and is chiefly remembered for the line, “I came here to kick ass and to chew bubblegum…and I’m all out of bubblegum.”

Anyway, Confession Number Three: The other reason I turned on was because I was waiting for Doctor Who to start. I was instantly hooked though and taped the rest of “CW”. And I’ll be watching this week too.

First up were Vixen Dowding and Solitaire Croft. Model vs Ex-tennis star. No contest, really, despite Vixen crowing about having “the advantage of youth”. Solitaire trounced her solidly in all three rounds, the best of which were the Sumo Slam (throw your opponent into the pit) and Ram Rod, which is like a tug of war in reverse, again with pit-throwing thrown in. I’ve decided that my favourite rounds involve The Pit in some way. The last round, Chain Reaction, was a bit rubbish by comparison. The best bit was Leilani throwing a strop and shouting “I’m not trying hard enough!” at her team mates.

Confession Number Four: I fast-forwarded through Dragon vs Sharpe Shooter. Sharpe Shooter won, apparently.

The Main Event of the night was definitely Lawler The Brawler vs Michelle “Inferno” Heaton. Inferno, Heat – you see what they’ve done there? Poor Michelle never stood a chance, really – less of an Inferno and more of a damp squib. She looked genuinely terrified in the ring and you can’t really blame her – say what you like about Lawler but you wouldn’t want to cross her in a fight. She’s also brilliant at playing up to the cameras and you could tell she was loving the whole thing, particularly in this picture: http://www.celebritywrestling.tv/news2_1.asp . She made short work of her in Wrecking Ball (sadly no Pit involved) and quickly bested her in Murder Ball (again, no Pit). The final round, “Power Lift” was the icing on the cake though – no wonder they saved it till last, as I imagine anyone watching the show for cheap thrills (i.e. everyone) would have switched off in dazed contentment afterwards anyway. Basically, a cage (The CAGE! – my favourite rounds also have to involve a cage, although sadly I can’t see a way to successfully combine the Cage and the Pit) descended and Lawler The Brawler and Inferno had to wrestle each other until one of them “Power Lifted” the other. They were both pretty evenly matched but this time you thought that Inferno might just do it as she had a slight weight advantage. Never underestimate The Brawler though – it was almost like she gained Hulk-like powers while in the ring and with a quick “Grrr – Brawler SMASH puny Popstar!” it was all over, although not before lots of lingering shots of what the Guardian TV reviewer referred to as “gussets”. Sounds a lot less sexy when you put it like that, doesn’t it?

So. Fabulous. Can’t wait for tonight’s episode. Let’s Get Ready To RUMBLE! But only until Doctor Who starts.