ISLAND OF MEEJA HOS

So anyway, it's twelve slebs - in the loosest sense of the word - on an island. The only way out is by viewer vote. There's a "love shack" where two slebs are placed by the GBP to either get it on or rip each others' eyes out in private. Unfortunately there does not seem to be any opportunity to put, say, Abi Titmuss and another girl in the shack so they can have pillow fights and wax each others legs, etc. Missed an opportunity there, ITV. The others just lounge around making monkey noises and catty remarks or something.

Patrick "was funny when he did jokes about NI politics" Kielty and Kelly Brook, looking alarmingly like a Stepford Wife (there are even some scenes where she walks around and coos admiringly at bathroom fittings), provide the commentary and Ant & Decness. Mr P is happy about Kelly Brook. Mark and Sarah are unhappy as the only remotely fanciable bloke is Michael Beppe Greco, and we wouldn't...not if he were the last man on earth etc. The couple the viewers like the best win £50,000 each. I am sure there is no better motivation to watch this show than to see these desperate fame whores get a large chunk of undeserved cash.

Sarah: Rebecca Loos. Abi Titmuss and Fran Cosgrave are making a career of appearing on "celebrity" reality shows. Maybe they should get together and we could chart the course of their relationship as they hop from Sleb Love Island, to Sleb Detox, to Sleb Wife Swap, to Sleb Relationship Counselling, to Sleb Divorce Court...
Mark: I suppose they have to keep themselves busy until civilisation collapses and someone finally commissions “Celebrity Actual Shagging”

Sarah: Fran Cosgrave (anybody's for a pint of Guinness and a packet of crisps - his words) is steering well clear of the Atomic Kitten. Have they exchanged a word yet?
Mark: I have no idea who Fran Cosgrove is but his hair and tattoos are rotten, perhaps he thinks it is a fancy dress party and he is dressed up as “David Beckham from five years ago”. He comes across as a bit of a tool, to be honest.

Sarah: What is the point of Abi Titmuss?
Mark: Her job description is apparently “Tabloid Babe” but I can think of some other words to describe her (i.e. Hussy!) she spends half the episode complaining that she isn’t a man hungry trollope and then instantly starts whining to Callum that he isn’t sticking up for her, rubbing oil into him, kissing him etc. Shut up, Abi.

Sarah: I'm looking forward to the unravelling of Jayne Middlemiss's Jolly Head Girl act as she collapses, sobbing into the arms of Lee Sharpe (West Ham? Can't remember...). Maybe they'll run away to live together in his 7-bed Victorian semi with all original fireplaces...
Mark : I was prepared to quite like Jayne but she lets herself down by (a) giggling at EVERYTHING Lee Sharpe says, (b) saying that Real Madrid are an Italian football team and (c) having a sobbing fit to camera on the first night saying she can’t sleep and she misses her mum. You’re 34 years old, woman! It’s called jet lag! Get a grip!

Sarah: Calum Best. Why does he sound like Van Morrison, and why doesn't he sue his dad for failing to pass on his looks, wit or talent?
Mark: Also, he is totally going bald!
Sarah: ...and hair.

Sarah: Paul Danan (who he? while I'm at it, who's the tall skinny bird?) and Lady Isabella Hervey, wow! Posh and Thick gets together with Common and Thick. The nation is already imagining their children.
Mark: wow, Isabella literally does have a stiff upper lip! Just watch her when she talks! I have no idea who the hell Paul is either, but that insistent pinging sound is my 71% accurate gaydar going off. He is relentlessly pimped to the audience as a comedy manchild, like Alfie in EE or Joe Pascuale in “I’m a celebrity”. I instantly hate him. The producers have decided for us in advance who is going into the Love Shack and so 90% of the running time is devoted to drumming into our heads that Paul and Lady Vacuous are a great couple and the most amazing love story of our generation. The audience have to make a decision after, like, 5 minutes running time so naturally they put the Chosen Two in the Lust Hovel. Why even bother trying to make it seem interactive?

Mark: In other news, Atomic Kitten and the tall black girl are totally anonymous (there are a few comedy shots of Atomic fixing her hair and looking really rough). Rebecca totally throws herself at chunky athlete bloke (Du’wayne or something) by rubbing oil into his back and wimpering something about amazingly muscley he is. Vom. Beppe is revealed as a “joker” who “organises fun” for everyone – someone else to instantly hate then…

Sarah: Our friend Mr Preach says that Tall Skinny Black Girl was Precious in EE - she must have been wearing a wig. Actually she looks like she's wearing a wig now. Nobody has Supremes hair like that in real life, do they?

FilmFan: Paul Danan was Sol Campbell out of Hollyoaks. I can't remember anything interesting about him. I've seen him do something else, possibly a charity thing and remember that he was actually pretty funny. He was outdoors, that's about all I remember. I feel sorry for Jayne Middlemiss - she really didn't seem like the type for this sort of thing.