HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME: IMPRESSIONS

Well, Popjustice don't seem to want us after all, so we stopped writing regular reviews. However, tonight was Chesney Night. I mean...Chesney... and chap from Cutting Crew...and Cleopatra (comin' atcha!). Mr P, a grumpy jazz musician and husband of Sarah, was also watching.

CHESNEY HAWKES
Sarah: Another one with the portrait in the attic, and an awful lot of screaming fans who should know better. Christ, the song is EVEN WORSE than I remember,and I saw it on the Hits channel only a few weeks ago.

Oh my god, our 15 month old daughter is bopping. What happened? We played her The Pixies in the womb, fer chrissakes...

Mr P:Hate him.

KELLY MARIE
Sarah: Her name is Jacqueline, she has six kids and she was big in France and Australia before making it big with It Feels Like I'm in Love. Says a lot if you ask me. Really didn't like this song.

Mr P: I liked this song in a guilty secret "I had a Wombles record" kind of way. I was also struck that there's always a place for a 12bar blues in the pop world but then apparently this song was destined to be Elvis's until one cocaine burger too many, and he did have a way with 12bar blues.

Sarah:I had a Wombles record. Vernon keeps saying that this is the concert that we all dreamed of but never thought would happen. I don't know if Vernon's dreams involve all nine circles of hell, but on this evidence I can recommend insomnia.

CUTTING CREW CHAPPIE
Sarah: Obviously they had to say "Cutting Crew" for this chap otherwise nobody would have remembered who the hell he was and gone "Aaaagh! It's the portrait in Chesney's attic!" when they saw him. Still hate this song with the venom of a million wasp stings.

Mr P: The man had the same skin-crawling allure of Daniel Bedingfield. I think he was called something like Van Eede but probably even his family call him Cutting Crew Chappie. At least he didn't cover a Robbie song which all men are supposed to, but a Macy Gray number instead. He did that mistake some singers do of trying to make out they're a serious musician by singing and gasp> playing guitar, thankfully giving up half-way through though when he realised he couldn't sing in tune and play at the same time.

Sarah:There were other people, but I started playing with Baby Ceej, trying to erase the aural poison that is Chesney Hawkes from her consciousness by singing "Wind The Bobbin Up" a hundred times.

CLEOPATRA
Sarah: I remember this lot. They were quite good in a sub-Jacksons sort of way. And they had their own series on CITV. Ooh, they're not slightly chunky teenagers any more.
Mr P:I've found I can't say anything at all about Cleopatra without sounding like an old dad perv so let's just say they were lovely.

Chesney won. Probably by dint of being the only person the audience had heard of.