BIG BROTHER 6
Yes, it really is that time of year again, and no, I'm not sure what happened to the first half of 2005 either. This year the bedroom is exposed to the rest of the house, there's a plunge pool instead of a jacuzzi, there's a chillout attic, and the showers are outside. There's even a naughty step.

We're going to be dipping in and out of BB over the summer, offering our considered opinions of the housemates, the decor, the antics, laced with plenty of good old-fashioned bitching. I can tell you now that we will secretly like the boring Dad-like one, loathe/love/loathe again the drama queens, be bored by the glamour girls, and detest the lads.

We've each adopted a housemate based on the order in which they entered the house, and we'll be sticking to this housemate like a piece of trodden-on chewing gum until they get evicted. Then we'll leave them to their future of Essex nightclub PAs and cable TV presenting jobs, and adopt someone else.

Mark has chosen number 2...
Sarah has chosen number 5...
FilmFan has chosen number 11 and is regretting it already...
Mr P has chosen number 9...

1. Derek the Tory Boy
Sarah: According to our moles in the Conservative Party, Derek is a bit of a one: city high flyer, speech writer and Master of the Hounds. He would have been a parliamentary candidate save for the drink driving conviction - and the fact that Michael Portillo has the only constituency where a black homosexual would have stood a chance. He also appears to share Chris Eubank's tailor.

He's on the live feed now, moaning about the girls' lack of housecleaning skills: "Dirty dirty girls!"

Mark: Very very queeny. Prances round the house squealing "Isn't it posh! Isn't it swish!" Yes, and the BB house isn't bad either! Rimshot, etc.

2. Lesley - Mark's adoptee...
Mark:According to BB editting, Lesleh is a huge pair of tits with a person periphirally involved. Thanks yes Mr Cameraman, there are other parts of her body you could aim at too! bog standard female contestant (likes fun, speaks her mind, etc) who fulfills expectations by giving hacky looks to all other female contestants when they enter the house. Lesleh has comedy pencilled-in eyebrows and will totally rule the house with her northern-style bitchery. Go Lesleh!


Sarah: Ooooh...Mark, don't fancy yours much. I would say "Readers' Wives", but "Readers' Psycho Ex on Trisha". Think everybody that Caroline Aherne has ever played, in a PVC nurse's outfit and no knickers. TV Gold!

FilmFan: I don't fancy yours much either. I don't think she'll last long. I did enjoy her adamant belief that Saskia's tits were fake though. Also, it has to be said, she looks a lot better without her hair done up like that.

3. Sam the student
Sarah: : Sam says she is a total hornbag (©Kath & Kim). But she wears orange nylon hotpants with tights so she probably has the most terrible thrush. Has a marketing degree from Oxford...does Oxford do joke subjects now?

FilmFan: I haven't seen enough of Sam so far. The tabs have her down as a man-stealing be-atch, so she could be fun. (Love the Kath and Kim reference - glad I'm not the only fan). Sam's probably the most fanciable of the female housemates. I think she fancies Anthony too, which could be interesting as Max has already indicated he fancies Sam.

Mark: Oxford Poly actually! Sam can apparently reduce vibrators to molten slag with the sheer force of her sexuality. Says in her interview tape that she is highly intelligent and then goes on to disprove it over the next 5 minutes.

4. Maxwell the geezer
Sarah: : Well, he's a geezer and a Gooner, and he doesn't like bullshitters or something like that. He also knocked politely at the door before opening it. And he's got surprisingly gentle eyes. Think this one is probably a nicely-brought-up boy who likes young ladies and loves his mum. Oh OK, I like him, despite the Gooner thing.

FilmFan: Bit of a cock so far, but it's early days. I hated Bubble at first but he really grew on me. Maxwell is a bit of a Bubble Mark II, I reckon. Also, I think we should continue to call him Maxwell, just because it'll piss him off. Probably.

Mark: Mate, what is going on with your hair? Sort it out! Reminds me of the type of bloke I always end up standing next to in pubs in holloway when I watch Arsenal matches. Next!

5. Vanessa - Sarah's adoptee...
Sarah: Can you believe it? I missed Vanessa's entry. But apparently she's nothing like last year's Vanessa, and she's from Croydon. Us Croydon girls have to stick together so Go Girlie Go!
FilmFan: Very irritating video but she actually seems alright so far. Bit thick, maybe.

Mark: Her catchphrases are "Whatever!" and "am I bothered!" Comes out with standard spiel in her interview tape (enjoys fun, speaks her mind etc etc) but seems quite nice.

6. Anthony - Disco Stu
Sarah: He's teeeeeny! And very good-looking in that vacuous male modelly mini Steve Jones way. A stranger to housework, and a bit of a tosser who still lives with his mum. He spent so long milking the crowd, they turned nasty and started booing him.

FilmFan: I went right off him during the intro but I liked his slightly crestfallen face in his video when he was talking about how his standards dropped dramatically when he was drunk.

Mark: Looks like an orange chipmunk, with facial hair and eyebrows drawn on with black marker pen. Still the best looking male candidate and who can truly hate someone who keeps doing "the snake" at any opportunity?

7. Roberto
Sarah: Oooh, my mum would like him. Ex-para, ex-9th Handsomest Man in Italy. Now teaching in Liverpool. Davina says he drives a white van. Mr P says he only has eyes for himself.
FilmFan: Roberto is my pre-selected housemate (or PSH) elsewhere and he's growing on me by the minute. He's wisely hanging back at the moment.

Mark: Falls somewhere between "Handsome" and "Horse faced" and has comedy scouse/italian accent. Will probably be Dean-from-BB2 type inoffensive bloke that no-one likes or dislikes.

8. Makosi
Sarah: Roberta Flack hair, very pretty Zimbabwean princess. She aspires to be Whitney Houston - what, a skeletal crack addict married to a wife beater? Not very bright. I give her two weeks.

FilmFan: Loving her Cleopatra Jones look. Stunning but incredibly irritating. At the moment we have no way of knowing whether she's genuinely that irritating or just doing a really good job of her Secret Mission. I like the way BB keep undermining her attempts to be hated by making everyone feel sorry for her.

Mark: Wins top marks for glamour and outfits so far. Was either really pissed on the first night or else is too thick to know the difference between "votes" and "nominations". Either way, I hope she isn't my nurse if ever I end up on her cardiac ward.

9. Craig...Mr P's adoptee
Mr P: Foul-mouthed male Vicki Pollard. Suspecting a virgin hoping to break his duck. Has never read a book.

Sarah: Mullet.

FilmFan: From what we've seen so far I don't think he's as bad as his intro video made out. Reserving judgment though.

Mark: whey-faced mulletted dwarf who instantly wins "most irritating housemate" award. Says he can destroy people with a single phrase and that he wants to put his salon's views out to the world. Is this a literary salon? A philosophers salon? Oh. It's a hairdressing salon. Also starts ranting on about how he hates boring people with their boring jobs. Mate, your working day consists of asking people where they are going on holiday and wrapping bits of silver paper round their hair, so why don't you shut up, bitch?

10. Mystic Mary
Sarah: Oh dear, she looks a bit like Demi Moore and she reads auras. Also claims to be a multiple alien abductee. Weird entrance with the witch's cloak and broomstick. Spent aaages outside the door, waiting for it to open with a swoosh, no doubt. Maybe she had a flashback to the spaceship or whatever. Crowd hated her instantly. I wasn't far behind.

FilmFan: She does look like Demi Moore! I hated her video and her entrance but have warmed to her since. She seems much more normal in the house. I also think it was quite telling that she struck a series of sexy poses for the press once the cloak came off.

Mark: Has mad staring eyes and a number of incorrect beliefs re Atlantis and UFO abduction etc etc. Her "Maid Marion" style suede outfit made me laugh a lot. Rhiannon flies like a bird on the wind, who will be her lover? oooo Rhiannon, etc.

11. Science...FilmFan's adoptee
FilmFan: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Loved his entrance video but have rapidly gone off him ever since...well, ever since he opened his mouth in the house. He's come off worse in all the fights he's had so far and his snit over the loss of his beloved salad cream will have done him no favours. He has had the best BB line so far though: ""I am from the hood, YES. I live with my mum, YES."

Sarah: A "ghetto spokesman" as long as his people don't do drugs. That's half Peckham off his list then.

Mark: Wannabe rapper who is probably a nice young man really.

12. Saskia
Sarah: Works as one of those girls in short t-shirts handing out leaflets at IT conferences. Not racist at all 'cos she's a quarter Sri Lankan, but hates asylum seekers because they're...I dunno...not nice or something. Stopped listening and marvelled at her ability to stay upright with norks that big.

FilmFan: It is, as you say, a miracle she doesn't fall over. Shame she's a racist.

Mark: What my dad would call a "dolly bird". She would be considered good-looking in the '70s maybe and could have been chased round in double time by Benny Hill. Apparently "immigrants all want to blow us up". Boooo!

13. Kemal
Sarah: Turkish trannie belly dancer. Wore a wedding sari for his entrance and yelled "Hi Divas!" to all and sundry. Mr P says he's the winner.

FilmFan: He's Marco (who I loathed with a passion) only with a brain and volume control. I think he could win it too.

Mark: He reminds me of a gay Iranian lad I used to know so I have a soft spot for him, though I suspect his habit of dropping "diva" or "girlfriend" into every sentence could become very irritating.

BB's first task was to tell Makosi that she was automatically up for eviction unless she can get the most nominations next week, and then she'll be immune from eviction...twisted...