HELL IS OTHER PEOPLE

After house reality tv, family makeover tv, business tv, we get God TV. Five men retreat from the modern world to spend forty days and forty nights with a closed monastic order. They will live a life of seclusion and contemplation, taking a psychological and philosophical journey that will surely change all involved over the coming weeks.

Unfortunately it clashes with Bad Girls.

We open on Jim Fenner's wicked life flashing before his eyes, as it does every night in HMP Lakeland, where he has been slung on remand. As Di so succinctly puts it: "He's in prison, with a load of cons!". Well, they wouldn't be florists now, would they? Unless they were criminal florists, of course. The other prisoners hate him, and the screws hate him for bringing the good name of prison officers into disrepute - well...one screw. There only seems to be one speaking member of staff at HMP Lakeland and he's a sarky Norn Iron man, probably called Harry Block or something (work it out for yourselves).

Mr Block turns a blind eye when the prison welcoming committee kindly shows Fenner around the showers (Fenner tries to weasel his way out with: "But I'm evil too! We could rule this place together!", but they're too busy unzipping their trousers and grinning). He comes out, shaking, weeping and walking a bit funny, and demanding to be given special protection. Mr Block raises a sardonic eyebrow and says: "Are you sure, nye?", and throws Fenner into the Paedo Wing. Oooh...they had fun casting this lot. There's even one who looks a bit like an ex-boyfriend of mine. A Pillar of the Acting Community is the local sage - he's in for rape, not kiddy fiddling, I think - who takes Fenner under his wing. Leave him to the nonces, mate, we all cry.

Meanwhile, Grayson is taking direct control of the wing now that SuperBitch has moved on. The main result of his kinder, cuddlier regime is that Sylvia Bodybag gets the best muttered asides, and the Julies seem to have the full run of the prison. Is there any point in locking them up at all?

Remember Nice Boy that got Teen pregnant just before her release date? Expecting a happy ever after? Well, no. Nice Boy turns out to be a Serial Sex Offender who likes sneaking into womens' prisons dressed as a handyman and shagging anyone who offers. Since dumping poor little Teen at the gates, he has taken up with Natalie (Julie 1: "She's a slag, but she's a Psycho Slag..."). Grayson acts on a tip-off from the Julies and catches Natalie climbing on top of Not-so-Nice Boy. Natalie cries rape, and before we know it, Nice Boy is sharing a table with Fenner, boasting about how he nearly shagged SuperBitch (only Smackhead got there first).

Poor old Teen isn't adjusting to live on the outside. She finds that she can't even get arrested until she sets fire to a local boutique ("I'm an arsonist now" - like it's a Girl Guide badge). She rolls up to the gates accompanied by a credit card fraud duo - it turns out that one of them (Arun, pretty, bit weedy, probably eeeviler than Natalie) has found God and wouldn't lie to get her friend out of trouble. Friend (called Janine - yay for Easties continuity!) is raging and out to kill. I think she used to be in 'Enders too. Anyway, they're all bunking with Darlene, who is now Psycho Natalie's heavy. Well, would you argue with her?

There's a daft voodoo doll sub-plot that prompts Darling Stephanie Beecham to commission a makeover for Alma from Corrie - who is looking decidedly rough. The Julies set to work and transform her into...Alma from Corrie! Excellent!

I'm not sure what Fenner did next but he managed to keep Di onside - even after she found his Shrine to Betts and confessed to his dreadful crime - then I went to the bathroom, came back, and he was free!