MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 4: AMANDA

Amanda is the uber-scheming-bitch character played by “Special Guest Star” Heather Locklear. She has been a special guest for weeks now. Way to avoid the alphabetical cast credits, Heather! She totters round in high heels in a variety of micro skirts and boxy, huge-shouldered jackets and her hair looks like it has been deep fried or something. Perhaps they hadn’t yet invented hair conditioner in the early ‘90s. Amanda owns the Melrose Place apartment complex and is also the director of D&D advertising – i.e. she points at flow charts like a lady in a tampon advert and says things like “Where are we with the Escapade account!”

Amanda had a plot where her convict-on-the-run dad mysteriously reappeared and stole loads of money and tried to kill Jake by blowing up his boat with him on it. It made no sense at all. She seems to spend most of her time taking work off Alison and giving it to Billy and otherwise toying with the two idiots for her (and our) amusement. The way things are going, it looks like she will soon be “giving it” to Billy in other ways too. Ewww. Considering that she is so scheming etc, Amanda is pretty rubbish at it. She tried to trick Dr Michael into giving up his stupid Mancini Designs shares and ended up being taped and blackmailed by him. She torpedoed a takeover of D&D but then the Manager Bloke worked out that she had done it as she was the only other one who knew about it. You disappoint me, Amanda! Manager Bloke later committed suicide in Amanda’s office after she stitched him up and got her boyfriend’s “consortium” to buy out D&D instead. Way to overreact manager bloke – couldn’t you just steal loads of stationery before you left, like a normal person? Amanda then got hopped up on Night Nurse and had a series of wack dream/hallucinations where the ghost of Manager Bloke appeared and taught her the True Meaning of Christmas. Vommmm.

Amanda’s boyfriend is “hunky” Dr Peter who looks a bit like a melty faced version of David Bowie. Amanda shagged Dr P to get him and his “consortium” to buy D&D and put her in charge. Now that he has served his purpose he is being really clingy and saying things like “No-one walks away from me!” Presumably Amanda is going to have to do something really scheming to get rid of him and it had better be good!

MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 3: MATT, JAKE AND JO

These three aren’t really connected, but they only get one entry between them because they are kind of boring.

Matt (aka Tom from Desperate Housewives) is your typical TV super-nice asexual gay bloke. He is hardly ever in it and when he is it is to tearfully hug AIDS victims or be queerbashed or not have any gay sex or something. Slightly more entertainingly, he has some sort of feud with Dr Kimberley and is determined to thwart her evil schemes. In one classic moment he ripped off her wig right in the middle of a hospital corridor to prove that she could have been an attempted murderess. Kimberley later dropped by and mentioned that hospitals can be very dangerous places and it would be awful if something happened to Matt that would cause him to DIE!!! Ruh roh!

Jake is the “hot stud” of the show, and indeed is quite good looking if you can get past his weird hair. He is a (very clean cut) biker and owns the bar where all the characters hang out (making him the Babs Windsor of Melrose, I suppose). He had a boat too until Amanda’s convict dad blew it up for some reason (don’t ask me…). He mostly has boring plots where he is supportive to Sydney or Jo or whatever. Recently went to find his long lost estranged father but I doubt he will keep in touch with him as Dad was the WORST ACTOR IN THE WORLD. Jake is inoffensive as long as he continues to keep his mouth shut and take off his top at regular intervals.

Jo is played by full-lipped brat pack actress Daphne Zuniga and is a bit pointless really. I don’t know much about her character or past but recently she was pregnant by some bloke who died after he knocked her up. Dead Bloke’s parents showed up and demanded custody of the unborn child (on account of how Jo was an amoral heathen slut, or something) and Jo appointed the worst lawyer ever and lost her “tug of love” custody battle in total defiance of any kind of sensible family law. Jo foolishly hatched a madcap scheme with Dr Kimberley where they would swap the baby with a different dead baby in the hospital and forge a death certificate so Jo could flee with her child. Everything was going according to plan until Jo went over to Dr K’s to collect the child, only to discover Kimberley breastfeeding it herself and saying “but Jo, your baby is dead! You signed the death certificate yourself! This is my baby!” Ha ha ha ! Genius!

MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 1: JANE AND SYDNEY

Jane Mancini is a skinny blonde with a huge wall of teeth and an unflattering bowl cut. She is a fashion designer with a struggling business (Mancini Designs!) but I have never seen any actual Mancini designs – given that Jane has terrible dress sense (lots of tight legging oriented outfits and severe tops) I doubt they are up to much. Jane just wants to design her ugly clothes in peace but is constantly thwarted by her evil sexy ex-husband Dr Michael, who owns 50% of the business and spends most of his spare time hanging round the office, taunting her.

Jane’s sister Sydney is a sultry red head with some kind of racy past (ie = slut), though you wouldn’t necessarily guess it from looking at her matronly hair helmet and tapered distressed jeans. She seems to drive men wild whenever she shows up, so what to do I know? So far, Sydney has been sent to a mental institute for a crime she didn’t commit, pleaded guilty to escape the attentions of a creepy orderly, attempted to seduce Dr Michael to cure him of amnesia and started knocking boots with lunky James Dean facsimile Jake.

Jane has recently taken up with a smarmy Australian bloke and indeed, they are engaged to be married. Jane hasn’t noticed that he is a wrong’un even though he can only get it up after winning cash at Vegas and spends most of his time hugging Jane whilst gazing hornily over his shoulder at Sydney. Sydney keeps trying to tell Jane that Smarmy is stalking her but Jane keeps saying “God Sydney, you’re such a bitch, why do you keep trying to ruin my happiness??” Jake and Sydney have been throwing drinks over Smarmy and pushing him into swimming pools for weeks and she still hasn’t guessed that there is something wrong. Smarmy recently abducted Sydney and went on the lam (in a stretch limo!) with $500k of Mancini Designs cash. Jane thinks that Smarmy and Sydney are in cahoots, because she is too stupid to live.

MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 2: ALISON AND BILLY

Alison is an annoying bint played by her out of Ally MacBeal who wasn’t Ally Macbeal, or Lucy Lui, or that other blonde who is in musicals, etc. Oh, you know who I mean. She seems to have gone to the same acting school as Letitia Dean off EE as she expresses many emotions using the same Special Move –rolling her eyes to the right and grinding her jaw a bit.

Alison is an advertising executive at D&D Advertising (Dungeons & Dragons? Drunk & Disorderly? Desperate & Delusional?) where she works on many top projects such as for “Escapade” Magazine (I would totally read a magazine called “Escapade”) and the “Glamorous Gowns” campaign. I don’t think the writers put too much effort into thinking up a name for that last one. The reason I hate Alison is that whenever she gets any dialogue it always ends up with her moaning incessantly about how everyone has let her down and she needs them blah blah blah. God! Just shut up! Alison’s boss is uber-bitch Amanda (aka Heather Locklear!!!) who hates her for some reason and is determined to make her life a misery. Good.

Alison recently split up with love of her life Billy – an unattractive wooden faced lunk with a nasty mullet, who wears a smart shirt and tie to work with his shirt tucked into his uber-tight jeans. Noooo! Fashion crime in progress! Billy could not express emotion if his life depended on it and basically seems smug and unpleasant. A good match for Alison then. All his plots revolve seem to revolve around him doing things that make Alison cross. They still work together at D&D, he lives in the flat upstairs and has started going out with Alison’s best friend from college (Susan). For some reason Alison is having trouble “moving on” and for weeks, any conversation at work would turn into a rehash of their failed relationship. Not awkward at all.

Now Alison has started hitting the bottle and is busy with a downward spiral of booze shame. The best bit was when they were all at an important work do – treacherous college friend Susan was catering and Alison had a few drinks and started telling Billy that Susan was a nasty slut and that everyone at school used to call her “Round Heeled Susan” because she was so easy – wtf?? Did Alison go to college in a Damon Runyan novel or something? When Susan found out here was a proper catfight and they threw drinks and food all over each other etc. Classic. Now Alison is dating a really creepy looking video director with horrid hair, but has still had time to hospitalise a boy with her drunk driving and get sacked from her job for being a flaky lush. Ha ha. Alison, your tears are so sweet!