PLAYING IT STRAIGHT
THE FINAL COUNTDOWN
It’s all finally over and we can be put out of our misery. The series was entertaining but also quite flawed (too much filler and cheesiness) and has hardly set the world alight, so I doubt it will be recommissioned. It’s a shame as it could have been great with some adjustments to the format and a slightly more lively heroine than Zoë (I’m sure she’s nice enough but any one of my straight lady friends would have been better value than her). Anyway, the tasks this week were pretty perfunctory. Our heroes had to take it in turns to serenade Zoë and then all sat in a sort of Mexican sauna and had a pseudo mystical experience while a lady hit them with branches and chanted. There were lots of shots of Zoe agonising and having huddled conversations with people and lots of shots of Danny Darko looking dead-eyed and soulless. Peter (the cute South African bloke) came back to give her advice (which seemed to basically consist of “I’m not sure.” Good one, Peter) and there were similarly unhelpful video messages from the other rejected boys. We are obtusely reminded that Zoë and Danny Darko probably had the sex and voice over bloke says that there is going to be a stunning SHOCK!!! In the ad break we feverishly try and guess what the shock might be – Danny is straight! Danny is gay and shagged her anyway!! One of them is bi! One of them is a hermaphrodite!!! Zoë is a lesbian!!!!

Zoë calls the boys out one at a time to tell them their fate. Marco is first and she rejects him! Zoë, you fool! Him and Blonde Danny were the most obviously straight guys left and you have dumped them both and left yourself with two dubious ones. Seriously at this point we decided that she did not deserve to win. Marco said that he was straight (and therefore Lee was gay) and sauntered off. Next up she summoned Ben and said how much she liked him and that she chose him as the winner. Ben looked devastated and pointed out that he was actually gay. There was a great disturbance in the Force as people all over the country shouted “no shit!!” Zoë started barking “It’s fine! It’s fine!” and Ben ran away to cry. Zoë then had to summon Danny Darko and said that she didn’t trust him and that he was out too. Danny said that he was gay but then – SHOCK!! – said “only joking, I’m straight actually!” What a dick. Also – totally in denial. Ben and Zoë met up again and cried and said how they wanted to be friends 4eva. In the end they agreed to split the money. How heartwarming.

ULTIMATE GAYDAR ACCURACY: 5/7 (got Danny Darko and Alex the wrong way round. Doh)