MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 3: MATT, JAKE AND JO

These three aren’t really connected, but they only get one entry between them because they are kind of boring.

Matt (aka Tom from Desperate Housewives) is your typical TV super-nice asexual gay bloke. He is hardly ever in it and when he is it is to tearfully hug AIDS victims or be queerbashed or not have any gay sex or something. Slightly more entertainingly, he has some sort of feud with Dr Kimberley and is determined to thwart her evil schemes. In one classic moment he ripped off her wig right in the middle of a hospital corridor to prove that she could have been an attempted murderess. Kimberley later dropped by and mentioned that hospitals can be very dangerous places and it would be awful if something happened to Matt that would cause him to DIE!!! Ruh roh!

Jake is the “hot stud” of the show, and indeed is quite good looking if you can get past his weird hair. He is a (very clean cut) biker and owns the bar where all the characters hang out (making him the Babs Windsor of Melrose, I suppose). He had a boat too until Amanda’s convict dad blew it up for some reason (don’t ask me…). He mostly has boring plots where he is supportive to Sydney or Jo or whatever. Recently went to find his long lost estranged father but I doubt he will keep in touch with him as Dad was the WORST ACTOR IN THE WORLD. Jake is inoffensive as long as he continues to keep his mouth shut and take off his top at regular intervals.

Jo is played by full-lipped brat pack actress Daphne Zuniga and is a bit pointless really. I don’t know much about her character or past but recently she was pregnant by some bloke who died after he knocked her up. Dead Bloke’s parents showed up and demanded custody of the unborn child (on account of how Jo was an amoral heathen slut, or something) and Jo appointed the worst lawyer ever and lost her “tug of love” custody battle in total defiance of any kind of sensible family law. Jo foolishly hatched a madcap scheme with Dr Kimberley where they would swap the baby with a different dead baby in the hospital and forge a death certificate so Jo could flee with her child. Everything was going according to plan until Jo went over to Dr K’s to collect the child, only to discover Kimberley breastfeeding it herself and saying “but Jo, your baby is dead! You signed the death certificate yourself! This is my baby!” Ha ha ha ! Genius!