TEAM BRITNEY
Well, they're thick, they're skanky and they like dressing up in school uniforms and kissing each other, according ot the BB website anyway. Lesleh, Vanessa and Craig are tired of being ignored by the cameras, so they've launched a full-on bitchfest trio called Team Britney. Craig tries so hard, bless him. But he has to wake up and realise that being slightly unpleasant and camp on national TV does not transform him from dull, spotty hairdresser to Graham Norton overnight.
So far we've had Craig's slightly desperate (and appallingly successful) impersonation of Britney Spears, Vanessa and Lesleh's boob talk, and now the girls are getting it ON.

I blame the rise of middle shelf semi-porn mags for this idea that lesbian sex is somehow something that women do to arouse men. In my (albeit limited) experience, the sight of two women twiddling each others' bits is not something that would get me going, but maybe the men like the idea of women doing all the hard foreplay work so they can just leap in at the right moment and get their jollies. Twice. If they're lucky. It brings a whole new raft of meaning to the term "lazy fucker".

Anyway, Vanessa and Lesleh have been thrown together in Saskia's not inconsiderable shadow, and they've decided to enjoy themselves while they're there. BB tells us that they enjoyed a good grope and a lingering snog in full view of the Lad Brigade last night, following a "sexy striptease" by Makosi. It makes Jade's drunken blowjob look classy.

Well, I suppose it's about time Vanessa did something, but Girlfriend, that's a bit cheap even by Thornton Heath standards! Don't you realise it ties you to a career of "sexy photoshoots", ill-advised cosmetic surgery and eating disorders. Not to mention a nasty rash or three and a possible baby from over-enthusiastic Championship League footballers - or minor Premiership full-backs if you're lucky. OK, it's better than working at Tesco's, but...have you no dignity at all?

Other news. Roberto ranted about wasting food, then did some more naked massages but the kiddies are turning against him and his dad-like ways. Everybody hates Derek, except Kemal and Science. Derek doesn't give a toss.

Sam is weird. Totally. Weird. I mean, who spends their life hanging around being ignored by the dominant crowd, then runs into the diary room to tell them that she's feeling well horny for AnTHony and/or Maxie and/or Science like some failed phone sex line auditionee. That was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes of television that I've seen since...I dunno...ODen's death scene. I wonder if the BB producers went "Ew! Ew!" and sprayed the diary room with Dettox afterwards.

Sam's slightly pathetic attempts to win group approval by picking on Derek prompted an all-out Kabul-style blanket water-bombing from Science on the rest of the house. Much howling, threats and more crap from AnTHony and Maxie. Science got sent to bed without any supper. Maxie puffed out his man-breasts, and Sam disappeared from my view again. Thank goodness.

Mary's eviction was a blow to us all. But she's turning out to be surprisingly articulate, non-irritating and charming on BBLB, so her future on minor cable psychic channels is assured, I suppose. What with all this simulated sex, tantrums and craziness, this BB is turning into the most surreal evah. Can they really keep this going all summer?