MELROSE PLACE UPDATE
I haven’t been blogging much lately because there is nothing good on telly at the moment! Boo! I am still hooked on Melrose though and it has been all go since I started those character guides! Jo has had her baby stolen AGAIN – yes, that’s the second time in less than a month. Having your baby stolen once is unfortunate but twice makes it look like you are really thick, Jo! She did redeem herself in my eyes, however, by giving Dr Kimberly a good smack in the face. Jo tracked down the evil baby-napping grandparents with the help of Jake, who provided support and the use of his penis as required. In the end, the evil grandparents shot Jo with a rifle and it all ended up back in court. Jo decided to give the baby up for adoption, which is as good a way as any of the writers admitting that they have totally written themselves into a corner.

Pathetic drunk Alison went into rehab and met a hunky, mad eyed football star who turned out to be a sex addict. Oh, of course he did. Alison, being stupid and annoying, immediately started shagging him. It all ended in tears when Alison caught him in bed with some floozy the same day he proposed to her. I have no sympathy when it comes to Alison. She has now been promoted to President of D&D Advertising while brave Amanda is off work with her tragic cancer heartbreak and has hired Charlotte from Sex and the City as her assistant. Charlotte is a “special guest star” so I look forward to whatever crazy ass plots she is given. Billy gave Alison a special trapper keeper to congratulate her, but Alison didn’t care because whoever becomes head of D&D instantly turns into a heartless bitch.

Sydney and Jane had a quiet couple of weeks after the Creepy Australian shenanigans. Sydney recently rented out her spare room to porn star Traci Lords, whose line readings suggest that English is not her first language. Traci lured Sydney into joining a creepy sex cult in the middle of the desert and when Syd tried to escape they locked her in a box! In the end she was rescued by Jane and Jake. I think Jake shagged Jane too – basically any time he gives someone a lift he ends up sleeping with them.

Matt had to give Dr Kimberley a psychiatric evaluation and discovered she was crazy. Like, duh!! When he wouldn’t change the report, she had him beaten up by rent-a-homophobes and then snuck into his office and changed “Kimberley is mental” to “Kimberley is lovely!” The policeman who investigated the gay bashing turned out to be gay himself, but was also a creepy, suspect beating stalker with terrible hair. Will Matt ever be lucky in love?

Amanda’s creepy lurver Dr Peter became the owner of D&D Advertising and put her in charge for about two episodes. He hired a foxy “efficiency expert” to investigate the company but – gasp! It turns out they were in cahoots and shagging each other! Peter arranged for Amanda to take pills he had secretly laced with monkey crack so she would fail a drug test, he could sack her and then put Ms Efficiency Expert in charge instead. Amanda said she could prove that her fed her the crack so he injected her with, um something and planned to kill her on the operating table – or rather get Dr Michael to do it for him. Even Dr Michael wasn’t that evil though, so he had fisticuffs with Dr Peter and got him arrested. About a week later, Amanda discovered she has lymphoma - it's just one thing after another when you're a high powered business woman - and now Dr Michael is treating her. She is the healthiest looking cancer patient in the history of the world. De Michael says he has fallen in love with her and is plotting one of his madcap schemes behind Kimberley’s back. Yes Dr Michael, it really is a great idea to cheat on someone who has already run you over once.