MELROSE PLACE CHARACTER GUIDE BY SOMEONE WHO HAS ONLY BEEN WATCHING FOR A FEW WEEKS
PART 5: DR MICHAEL AND DR KIMBERLEY

Both the main doctor characters on the show are psychopaths – issues much, writing staff? They are also my favourite characters and provide the most laffs – issues much, me? Dr Kimberley is played by the fantastic Marcia Cross (aka Bree from Desperate Housewives). She does not appear to have aged in ten years – the only difference in their appearance is that Bree has flat rigid red hair and Kimberley has big wavy brown hair. Kimberly is a successful doctor despite the fact that she is clearly as mad as a box of snakes. It is hard to tell what kind of doctor she is – one week she’s a surgeon, the next she’s an Ob/Gyn, then she’s on the “Social Services Committee” – whatever moves the plot along. Dr Kimberley is the best soap psycho ever! In the few weeks I have been watching, Kimberley tried to murder Dr Michael in a hit and run accident and framed Sydney for the crime. Dr M was knocked out and had amnesia so Dr K told him that they used to be a couple before his accident and made him sit at home and be a house husband and cook her tea etc. Dr M got his memory back (while they were doing it, of course) but it turned out that he didn’t mind that she had tried to kill him and fuck with his head. I think they’re married now. Dr Kimberley has also threatened Matt with death, discovered she is barren and stolen Jo’s baby. Not bad for someone who isn’t even in the main credits.

Evil mastermind Dr Michael is Jane’s estranged husband and has also shagged her sister Sydney. He is not a mentalist like Kimberley but more of a sneaky weasel. He is quite cute and has the least freakish hair of all the men on the show. (The men rated in order of shaggability: first Jake, second Michael, third Any other man in the world ever, last Billy) Michael has thwarted plots to get hold of his 50% shares in Mancini Designs (the way people go on about those shares, you’d think they carried the secret of immortality. They don’t! They give you part ownership of a design company run by a woman who dresses like a clown!) and ended up sleeping with Jane recently when they all raced to Vegas to rescue Sydney from the mad australian. He is beginning to realise that Kimberley is actually insane and trying to get back together with Jane properly. When Kimberley found out she said that the only reason she didn’t instantly stab him in the neck is that she was too tired after mothering Jo’s baby all day. I’m sure their relationship has a great future. At one point it looked like Dr Michael was going to Do The Right Thing when he discovered that Kimberley’s baby had not, actually, been “bought on the black market” as she said but had been stolen from Jo. It turned out he was only pretending to be nice to wind up Jo. What a little tinker! He only gave the baby back after Dr Peter found out and threatened to fire him. I was hoping that Kimberley would do something really insane when she found out the baby was gone - perhaps involving a flock of trained raptors or a poisoned rose bush or something - instead she just screamed and tried to drown herself. Boring.

The wacky doctors currently have an arch nemesis in the shape of “hunky” Dr Peter, who has the most outstanding Darth Vader shaped hair helmut and who is gunning for them at the hospital. He has already sacked Dr Michael once (people are always getting sacked then getting their jobs back later the same episode) – but frankly these two could eat him for breakfast. Literally and figuratively. Michael spied on Dr Peter for Amanda but then used all the blackmail information himself to get extra cash and invitations to play golf. (That makes it Michael: 2 Amanda: 0) Note that Dr Peter is making enemies of the three most vengeful, scheming characters on the whole show – death wish or what?