THE BILL: MISSY'S MISDEMEANOR
I watch the Bill sometimes but don't follow it and don't really know who everyone is in it - still, the gentle readers of Easties Blogspot have often asked us to write about it so here we go...

Firstly, it is amusing that so many of the cast are recognisable from other TV programmes – there’s the smarmy black lawyer from This Life! There’s the bitch accountant lady from Attachments (now her hair looks fabulous though!), there’s the main doctor bloke from Cardiac Arrest! There’s that asian lady who was a surgeon in Holby Shitty! There’s Irene from EE! hurrah! Since I last watched, half of S Club 7 also appeared to have joined the Met (ie a number of blandly attractive young people - though sadly they do not break into song and dance). There ain’t no crime wave like a S Club crime wave! They are called things like Honey! Amber! Leela! – is this a police station or a Maxim photo shoot?

Amber, Leela and a blonde bloke with bad highlights are in trouble as Highlights arrested a felon and later lied and said he had a knife. Amber, who seems to be something of a little minx, says she will back him up as long as he does her homework for her for the rest for the week (or something). Presumably this is the same as perjury and therefore a Bad Thing. They are just about to enter their false reports when Leela (who seems to be the Sensible One) guesses what is up and tells them not to be so stoopid. Amber and Highlights both have to admit that they told porkies, get a telling off and are told that their careers are on the line – I get the feeling that people’s careers are on the line in every single episode ever. Another S Clubber, Honey (presumably she joined the police as they wouldn’t let her join Bond Girl Academy) is also in trouble as she accidentally married a murderer/rapist. Easy mistake to make, I suppose. Now he has been arrested and she is being interviewed by Internal Affairs, or whatever they are called in England. Personally I wouldn’t be that surprised if someone called “Honey” did something incredibly stupid, but maybe that’s just me…

Inspector Irene has got cancer apparently, though like people on TV all over the world, she would rather come to work when she has a LIFE THREATENING DISEASE than skive off and watch daytime TV. Mental. The only one who knows is Smiffy, but soon Amber guesses when she catches Irene vomiting and shedding all her hair in the ladies loo (not really re the hair). Amber accidentally lets slip to the camp desk clerk bloke and he organises a whip round and buys Irene a big bunch of flowers, even though – GASP - Irene doesn’t want anyone to know! Irene would have been glad to receive flowers when she lived in Walford. Even if it was from her jailbait lover Troy and she was worried that Terry might find out. More telling off for Amber.

I don’t know the names of any of the plain clothes detectives! This episode focuses on the tall bloke who (a) has a hot younger S Club brother and (b) looks a bit like a footballer (don’t ask me why, he just does). This week he is partnered with the attractive East Asian Lady detective. DS Attachments and DS Cardiac Arrest are in it a bit but it is mainly the first two and they actually spend the episode Fighting Crime rather than having convoluted personal issues…

It all starts off when some of the S Clubbers break up a catfight between a wife and a mistress in a swanky restaurant. You can’t go wrong with a catfight and the two actresses really enter into the spirit of it. Errant Husband also shows up and there is more screaming and fisticuffs. Next day the Errant Husband comes to the nick and says he was being blackmailed re the affair and that he may as well tell the cops now that his wife knows anyway. The detectives all have some lame “battle of the sexes” banter about what men and women expect from relationships and some bits where the East Asian Lady detective has to prove herself as a woman in a mans world. Boring. They arrange an undercover operation at the money drop place (a bin in a nice little park by the river – I wonder where that is?) but only manage to catch a smarmy yuppy, who was dropping off money as he was also being blackmailed for consorting with hookers. The plot! It has thickened!

There is a half-arsed red herring moment (they think it was the mistress for about three minutes) but the brilliant detectives soon discover that both Smarmy Yuppy and Errant Husband used the same hotel for their filthy fornicating and decide the blackmailer must be one of the hotel staff – eventually they catch a doorman at the money drop and arrest him. He has a note book of customers and their blackmailable features – hookers! rent boys! likes Celine Dion! etc and says “It’s a fair cop guv, you’ve got me bang to rights!” However, there’s more - gasp! – it turns out that Smarmy Yuppy wasn’t just whoremongering but was also insider trading. DS Footballer and DS East Asian Lady go round to arrest him and the stupid yuppy tries to flee with his laptop. Way to act innocent, thicko. Footballer chases him but EAL goes round the back, roughly tackles him to the ground and confiscates his laptop (which is really clunky and old fashioned looking btw – no wonder he was disgruntled at work if they gave him a piece of shit like that). Well done nameless detectives!

PC Yvonne (aka Missy Elliot) is also – you guessed it - in trouble. Why can’t anything nice happen to the Sun hill police, like they find a basket of adorable kittens abandoned on the station steps? Previously on The Bill, a felon was choking her to death so she hit him round the head and now he’s in a coma. Doh. If you ask me I think it must be karmic revenge for that awful cover version of Carwash with Xtina Haguilera. PC Missy seems to be going out with a hunky doctor at the hospital but he doesn’t seem so keen now that he knows she can (spoiler) kill a man with a single blow.

Felon is rushed to hospital and PC Missy and that older bloke who has been in it forever (Tony?) are also interviewed by Internal Affairs. PC Missy explains how the felon had her in a headlock so she “worked it” a bit too much and hit him in the face with her asp. ASP?? The police are issued with snakes now? Only joking – I assume it is the stupid name for their retractable bendy truncheon things. It probably stands for “Acrylic Stretchable Punch-o-matic” or some such. Tony is also interviewed and lets slip that Felon had done something earlier in the day that made Missy angry – maybe he made fun of that Gap ad with Madonna? Suddenly Internal Affairs think she had a Reason to get busy with the bludgeon and start rubbing their hands gleefully. Everyone is angry with each other about this and there is drama etc.

Missy changes into some horrible “George of Asda” casual wear and goes back to the hospital, perhaps hoping to get hr freak on with the fit doctor. He is called away by a plot device (ie pager) and Missy thinks it might be a good idea to chat to Felon’s anxious mum. Surprisingly it is not, the mum starts shouting at her and Missy has ANGST. Later on we find out that the felon has actually died. Ruh roh. That Carwash single was bad but it wasn’t that bad - maybe they are taking Moulin Rouge/Lady Marmalardy and that weak Ciara collaboration into account too!