STRICTLY COME DANCING: LOGAN VS LO-GONE

This week Brucie is even more incoherent than usual and there is plenty of controversy and rows. Hurrah! The dances are the samba, which seems to involve walking and pointing a lot and the American Smooth, which involves pretending to be Fred and Ginger a lot.

BOOBWATCH: Tess wears a nondescript red number for the first show and then a bizarre metallic outfit for the results show that makes her look like a sexy dalek/fembot type thing. Her hair doesn’t really suit her up, either.

ALESHA: Alesha starts us off with an American Smooth, wearing a red dress and with her hair up. I think this is the first time she has done ballroom and she is not bad. She looks elegant and dancerly and can’t stop smiling. The judges criticise her for some technical errors but she still gets pretty good marks.

GETHIN: Gethin is doing the samba and Camilla takes him to a samba club during the week so he can loosen up and get his hips going. I am finding Gethin a bit boring, even if he is quite fit. His routine is OK. Everyone says it is one of his best dances yet but he still needs to loosen up and get sexay.

KATE: Kate does the samba to Dancing Queen, which is not a great song (a) for that dance or (b) for the terrible screechy singers to attempt. She has a couple of OK moments but does seem to spend a lot of time being propped up by Anton (and his hairy chest – rowr!) and being dragged around the floor. She has a laugh about the whole thing at least, and is a lot less sour than Fiona Phillips was last year. I am quite warming to her. She gets predictably terrible marks (and is likened to a rag doll), but is delighted to get a 6 from Len.

KELLY: Kelly is doing the AS and wibbles on about how this dance fulfils all her princess/movie star fantasies. Her hair is all piled up on the front of her head, which looks rather odd and makes her jaw look massive. She is wearing a black shiny dress that appears to be made of vinyl. Hmmm. Her dance is very good but f***face Brendan incorporated 3 lifts into the routine which is a Dance Crime, apparently. They get 8s off everyone (losing a mark for the extra lift, plus Cabby Len calls Brendan a “donut”!) apart from Bruno who gives them 10. WTF? Billy Zane looks troubled.

DOMINIC: Dominic is doing the AS too. In rehearsal he falls over and hurts his shoulder. Good. But he recovers in time for Saturday. Bad. The dance is so so. Lilia, is it really necessary to incorporate some arse-grabbing action into every routine? Dominic is annoying enough without you encouraging him through the medium of choreography. The judges have a few criticisms about his posture, habit of staring at Lilia’s arse etc etc and he gets average marks.

SHAZZA: Shazza is also doing the AS and whinges on about her insecurities etc. She wears a weird grey/purpley dress that has a severe bodice, but the long skirt with slits is quite good as it shows off her legs without making her look like an apple on stilts. She is not bad and Bruno compliments her being for being classy with a touch of camp. She gets a bunch of 8s

MATT: Matt is doing the AS and wears a tuxedo that makes it look like he has no neck. He also has his hair in a Walter The Softy side parting, which pleases his mum no end. Flavia is wearing a bizarre primrose yellow floaty trouser suit thing like something Alexis Carrington Colby would wear to convalesce from a bout of flu. Their dance is very good (but he still has the “grim determination” thing going on at times) and the judges all go ape. Arlene wheels out a laboured pun re “Matt-inee idol”. He gets 4 9’s – the highest score of the night! Matt is the only bloke who has a chance to go far vs the likes of Kelly and Alesha.

GABBY: Gabby is doing the samba and wears a weird grey dress with lots of feathers sticking out of the back. She looks OK to me but loses timing a couple of time and apparently her voltas are bad. I don’t know what that means though. Isn't it a Russian river? She gets 7s and 8s.

KENNY: Kenny is doing the samba and gets a huge cheer just for striking a dramatic pose before the dance starts. He is predictably terrible. Most of the time he just walks around the floor while uber-minx Ola shimmys around in front of him. He does some painful looking hip waggles and messes up a knee slide for the grand finale. The judges are pitiless – Craig is repulsed by the hip thrusts and Bruno says he looks like a vacuum cleaner. Len still gives him a six though. Eh?

JOHN: John wheels out several of his apparently limitless supply of cute kids this week. He is doing the AS but apparently messes up and loses his performance briefly. I don’t remember much about the dance and the judges say it was boring apart from the final lift bit. Perhaps Nicole is just a rubbish choreographer? I know you can't judge a person by their hair, but Nicole's was a bit Hallowe'en tastic this week. John is not looking like such a contender now that the shock “OMG, he isn’t rubbish!” factor has worn off.

PENNY: Giantess Penny sambas to “These Boots are made for walking” in a gold mini dress and go-go boots. Much of the dance involves her strutting round looking foxy but there is a fast bit in the middle where they break into a sort of go-go dancing Tina Turner type bit, that I really like. Arlene thinks that it isn’t old school samba enough, but all the other judges enjoy it and she gets decent marks.

THE RESULTS SHOW: Professional dancers demonstrate the dances for next week: The Pasa Doble (aka retarded bullfighting dance that really ups the camp factor/LOL’s in the choreography) – I spend the demo smirking at the GRRR! faces that all the dancers pull as they attack their moves to Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes. Jack White must have been pressured by his English inlaws to let the BBC use it ("There'll be no eccles cake and Marmite food parcels for thee me lad...not unless you let the lovely Anton twirl his cape and make grr faces to one of yer 'its...")

The ballroom dance is the foxtrot, which has no USP that I can notice. Well, it's got swishy trotty bits...

There is some business re Three-Lift-gate, with Arlene and her bitchface and Len really pissed off that Bruno gave Kelly and F***face a 10, even though he cheated. We then get Wet Wet Wet performing a dreary song from the 80s that I find myself singing along to as I do the washing up. The shame! Marti Pellow looks really rough these days.

The results come round and – gasp – all the no hopers and B-listers get through – Kate! Kenny! Dominic! Shazza! Barnesy! The bottom two are Gabby and Penny and everyone is shocked and appalled. I hope Penny doesn’t lose as I really like her now, but Gabby doesn’t deserve to go home either.

They dance off and the judges all talk about how angry they are at having to chose between two good dancers. Craig saves Gabby but all the rest got for Penny. Phew. Gabby is obviously shocked but doesn’t cry and is quite classy about the whole thing. Penny also has the good grace not to look too pleased about being saved. The only good thing about it is that Gabby’s cockfarmer partner will be raging. He picks her and waves her around over his head for a bit in the last dance and that’s it for Gabby!

There’s lots of OMG-ery on various message boards but watching rubbish dancers each week is part of the fun of the show for many people – after all, Spencer off EE and Julian Clary did very well in their series and Fiona Phillips was round for 4 weeks or so, and she makes Kate look like Margot Fonteyn. It Takes Two showed Craig Upper Norwood saying that the Great British Public are FOOLS to make them choose between Gabby and Penny; and Len was practically in tears on the phone from LA, saying that it was the worst thing he has done in forty years of judging. Eh?

Someone, somewhere seems to have forgotten the point. Get over it, dance snobs!!