STRICTLY COME DANCING: DOM DE DOM GONE

I have given up being aghast at Brucie’s horrendous jokes and autocue disasters. He talks about all the shock scandal controversy re last week and then it’s on with the show.

This week the poor celebrities are doing the Pasa Doble (aka flamenco dancing with an angry bull) and the foxtrot (a sort of slow, elegant ballroom dance where they stop and lean over every now and again).

BOOBWATCH

Oh dear oh dear. Poor Tess has been bundled into a grey sheet-like Grecian style number that makes her chest look like badly stuffed upholstery. She is also wearing a strange grey bangle thing that looks like some sort of medical appliance. What’s that all about? I thought she'd sellotaped her script to her wrist. The red results show dress does her a few more favours, but I really think she should sack her stylist.

KELLY: Keith Harris look-a-like Brendan says that he won’t do any more naughty illegal lift shenanigans. Kelly says she will strike a blow for feminism by doing some cape twirling, plus OMG her cape is really pink and sparkly!!! Kelly’s hair and make up are lovely but she is wearing some sort of red and black basque type thing that makes her look like a Castillian hooker. Brendan is wearing a tight black shirt with see-through mesh panels. Vom. They dance to “You give love a bad name” (Why???) and it starts off with Kelly flapping her cape. Then Brendan slides over to her on his knees and starts making fierce faces and waving his arms around. Oh whatever. It’s not bad but all a bit 80s video-esque for my liking. The Sladey house thought it would go down well in Bromley.

The judges aren’t that bothered and say that there was not enough Paso content and that Kelly wasted too much time with her sparkle motion cape action. Kelly retorts that she did lots of research into matadors and wanted to show that wimmin too could participate in the slow and agonising ritual slaughter of a large mammal. As long as their capes were pink and sparkly. Arlene also says that Kelly’s short outfit made all her bad leg/foot movements much more apparent. They get mainly 7s – their worst mark yet, but Kelly says that she doesn’t care if no one liked it because she’s hott and will get lots of votes anyway (not really…)

ALESHA: Lovely Alesha has trouble learning the dance, so in a not-at-all-contrived interview segment, her two grans show up with a tea urn and some fairy cakes and make her and Matt dress up in 1940s clobber. Her grans seem lovely too, and tell her to stop messing around and get on with it. For her foxtrot, Alesha wears a gold and lime green gown that really suits her (though I’m not sure about the matching eye shadow and nails). Her hair is lovely too. The dance is very elegant and looks ace to me – she gets all 9’s, seems to be on the verge on tears and says she wants a cup of tea afterwards. Awwww.

LETITIA: Letitia feels better after getting decent marks last week. She does the Paso to “Live and let die” - I don’t generally like inappropriate type music but all the ”Duh duh duh!!!” bits work quite well. She wears a blue and black sparkly dress with a deep v neck and slit skirt, which really suits her for once, and it is all very flamenco-y and dramatic. She gets lots of praise from the judges and her best score yet. Yay! Go Letitia. I love it on this program when someone obviously improves and gets into it more and more each week.

GETHIN: Gethin is doing the foxtrot and looks quite suave in a tux. Camilla has her hair up in a severe bun and wears a horrendous dress with loads of skin coloured mesh and glittery straps over her top half. The dance is pretty good, but Gethin spoils it by doing a Robbie Williams type slap inducing wink at the end. He gets good marks (7 and 3 8’s) and the judges comment on his improvement. Arlene leers at him a bit too, but that goes without saying.

DOMINIC: There are amusing shots of Dom trying to flap his cape around in rehearsal and ending up wrapping it round his head. A stern Spanish lady comes and helps teach him how to be fierce and bullfighterly. He is wearing a comical black toreador outfit with red sparkly flower shapes. Lilia comes up with some good choreography as usual but Dominic is very stompy and comes across more like an angry gnome than a masterly toreador. He gets average marks and is told off for not dancing in tinme to the music. In Tess’ Chamber, he makes various sour remarks about how the judges never give him good marks. Maybe that’s because you’re RUBBISH, Dominic. PS. Also no one likes a bad loser.

Come Sunday, Dominic's little Ferengi face gets even crosser when he finds himself in the Dance of Doom.

JOHN: Various football legends like Alan Hansen and Daveeed Ginola (still lovely, even though he's fat and grey now - Sarah) come on to say how competitive John is, while John says he isn’t competitive at all, oh no. John’s cute son is also wheeled out again. He does a foxtrot and again it is rather dull. Sort out this choreography pls, Nicole! Also, isn’t it time for him to do a latin dance? Craig hates it and gives him a 4 (booo!) but the others say he was not bad. His overall marks aren’t great though.

KENNY: Oh, this should be a laugh. Kenny goes on about how he offered his place to Gabby last week, but wasn’t allowed to do so (I should think not, seeing as people paid money to keep him in). He says he doesn’t care any more and is just going to have a laugh. Ola meanwhile decides to try and get as many votes as possible by squeezing into an outfit that barely contains her bosoms.

OMG What is Kenny wearing? A sleeveless black top to show off his beefy arms, a black glittery kilt (with the cape initially wrapped round his waste like a sarong), knee length black socks (nice!!) and shoes with cuban heels. The intro to Take Me Out by fellow Scots Franz Ferdinand begins - oh we're really flying the flag here. He does some cape waving (that suggests “laundry day!” more than anything else) and then stomps around fiercely while Ola gyrates frantically.

He appears to be wearing matching sparkly-trimmed pants under the kilt, which must chafe somewhat, and the dance ends with him standing over Ola while she lies flat on her back going “My eyes! My eyes!!” Bruno is in hysterics when it is over, as are many of the viewers, I would think. He gets slightly better marks than last time but still comes bottom.

At this point, Ceej was screaming: "FIREWORKS! NOW!", so the Sladeys set off for Blackheath to watch fireworks and drink mulled wine at £3 a (very very small) glass.

KATE: Kate chats about Gabbygate and how she wants to prove that she really does deserve to be in the competition. There are scenes of Anton being stern in rehearsal. She is doing the foxtrot in a blue and pink dress that I quite like. OMG, what is this??? She actually seems to know what she’s doing! She doesn’t look like every move is coming as a surprise to her! Anton doesn’t have to keep catching her and holding her up! She is actually not bad! All the judges say how much she improved and that she actually looked like a dancer for the first time! Hurrah! She gets some good marks, including the odd 7!

MATT: Matt, Flavia and her awesome abs are doing a Paso. Matt is wearing a sparkly black jumper and trousers, so he looks a bit like a jewel thief or 1960s spy or something. They dance to Smooth Criminal, which isn’t a very good choice, IMO, and it is all a bit modern and non bullfightery. Matt looks like a proper dancer though and the tight black clothes suit him. I’m not sure if he falls over once when he is kneeling down or if that was supposed to happen. Craig likes the innovative choreography but Len doesn’t. Arlene makes a lame “Matt-ador” joke that Matt himself made in the rehearsal tapes. They all say it is the best of the generally poor Pasos and he gets good marks - mainly 8s.

PENNY: Penny says she wants to prove that she was worth keeping after the dance off last week. Her cute toddler comes to watch her rehearse. She is dancing the foxtrot in a turquoise frock and is pretty good at these types of dances for such a big lass (see her quickstep in the first week).

The judges all love it and she gets 3 9s and an 8.

I miss the results show completely but John and Dom are in the bottom two and John stays, as he has, ahem, natural rhythm and actually appears to be able to dance along to the music. Also they all want to see him salsa next week. Me too!

I saw the results show and watched Len almost say "natural rythmn" but stop himself. The Dancers demonstrate the Viennese Waltz - the super hard one where you spin around a lot in huge puffy skirts. Then the Birmingham Ballet came on to show us all that proper dancers can screw up ballroom just as easily as the average punter - only they do it in flat shoes and throw up more often.

This week's featured musical number is McFly - who I used to think were OK for one song. McFly do one of their old Children in Need tunes, and attempt a single stadium-style "Whoo!", which falls flatter than a very flat thing being run over by a heavy roller.

Mark's current favourites are Alesha, jointly followed by Penny and Matt. he has gone right off Kelly, is bored by Gethin and is warming to Letitia…

Sarah's current favourites are Alesha, followed by Penny and Letitia. I'm still annoyed that there is no decent totty of the Ramps vintage on offer.