It was the first week of X Factor proper, having got through the ment-poking audition stages, the not particularly hard boot-camp and the sessions in the judges houses. We'd already lost lovely little Dominic from the boys and the only group in the finals who auditioned as a group are the Carpenters with ADD. Dermot is our new presenter to replace Riddler Kate.
On Saturday we saw the first of the proper singing rounds. This week: number ones.
Styling notes: Kimberluh looked like a sofa had swallowed Kelly Osbourne on her way to a fancy dress party as Gwen Stefani. Niki's DEAD DAD had left her a hairdresser's card and a scribbled post-it note telling her that the perm was a really bad idea in his papers, which she only found after the bootcamp weeks. Emily's stylist had clearly stuck Annabella Lwin's head on Avril Lavigne's body and decided that was a good look for a wholesome looking teenager with puppy fat. A devoted assistant was pulling out Andy's pubes with tweezers, one by one, to maintain the right level of slighltly pained brink of tears that the girlies loves. Beverley was wearing Captain Caveman on her head but had clearly lost weight since the auditions and was looking good otherwise. Rhydian looks like he's made of plastic. A 50p faced plastic Adam Rickett doll in fancy dress as the Judderman. Why does Rhydian look so bloody weird? In Hope, Leah is a foot taller than the rest and they cannot hide it, Raquelle appears to have borrowed her top from Borat. Overall, only Hope and Alisha look like pop stars should. Judges styling: Danni's face can barely move, Sharon's hair shade - crimson.
Performance notes: Same Difference have turned up on the wrong programme as clearly "tonight, Matthew, we are going to be H and Claire after Steps split up". Leon appears to be performing in a dance sequence from Absolute Beginners. Kimberluh will come into her own in about 30 years time, when it's OK to be a larger glamour girl in true Helen Lawson style - on someone barely out of her teens it's just painful. Will Hope ever sing anything other than Umberella-ella-ella-ella? Can any member of Hope other than Leah and Phoebe actually sing in tune? Rhydian keeps getting the words to "I would do anything for love wrong". Would, Rhydian, not Will. Andy is like a singing puppy - the Andyrex puppy. Judges performance: Sharon does an impressive turn as lascivious drunken auntie at the end of a wedding, Louis does bizarre turn as voice of reason.
Results: After an extended delay caused by the Rugby, we find that Alisha and Kimberluh are the bottom two. Sharon refuses to vote as her quite frankly bizarre music taste has put them in this position. Danni votes to send the black girl home. Louis and Simon see sense. Kimberluh is going back to pulling pints.
Next week: Songs from the movies, with special guest Celine Dion. I think I will need a drink.
Have we had an X Factor Drinking Game yet?
Next week's X Factor Drinking Game
1 finger beer/gulp wine/swig of spirits for each mention of the following.
"My/our journey"
Niki's DEAD DAD is DEAD and wanted her to enter the competition.
Emily nearly died
Daniel's child
Rhydian's arrogance/bad reputation
Westlife
"The girls will love you"
Beverley's class
2 fingers/gulps etc for the following events
Same Difference sing a song which is inappropriate for a brother and sister
Sharon brings one of the family on (dogs included).
Hope find some way to disguise Leah's height.
Louis rants about Same Difference being in the competition.
Danni votes against a black contestant in the bottom two.
Down your drink
Sharon and Celine have the same hairdo.
A judge walks off or refuses to vote at the end.
