STRICTLY COME DANCING V! WAR OF THE LOGANS

It seems like only yesterday when we were praising lovely Ramps to the skies, and here we are again, with a whole new bunch of slebs to slag.

This week we're only seeing the men...uh...perform. Which is good for Kate Garraway because she's been working her feet so hard, they've rebelled and swollen to the point where she could easily don a periwig and play George IV in the GMTV Xmas Regency Revels. I know this because Ceej's childminder watches GMTV in the mornings, and we've been treated to regular updates and explanations of tendonitis with X-rays from Dr Hilary Jones all bloody week. Well, at least she has lovely Anton for a partner.

None of the men particularly stand out as being super skill from the start this year, like Lovely Mark Ramprakash and Colin Jackson did in previous years. Could this be a year for the ladies?

BOOBWATCH: Tess has them firmly strapped down this week, but what's with the plastic cummerbund?

BEANO and FLAVIA

We all know and not-quite-love-not-quite-despise Beano from our Easties days. He's quite cute with stubble, and says that learning to dance might help him pull. Flavia says that he'll need all his acting skillz to create the right atmosphere. She's obviously never seen Eastenders - I don't think there is a dance that requires one to snivel damply in a public toilet. He does OK with the cha-cha-cha. Bit nervous and over-concerned with getting his steps right but he might improve when he relaxes a bit and gets over his nerves.

CORRIE BADDIE AND KAREN

Karen won last year, so this year she gets the no-hoper. That doesn't stop her being grimly perky about the whole fandango (they don't do the fandango, do they?) Former Corrie Baddie Brian Capron tries to tell us that he's done other stuff than Corrie, but they play his best Corrie psycho scenes anyway. Though anybody who tries to off Gail Tilsley can't possibly be all that bad in my book. He's...ummm...not that great, but game enough. Sadly he ends up in the bottom two and has to "dance off" vs Kenny Logan. The judges dump him. How I will miss Karen's mad facial expressions and naked emotion this series.

DOMINIC LITTLEWOOD AND LILIA

Professional cockernee who possibly does some daytime property programme. Anyway, Sarah is reminded of an Arthur Rackham pixie, and not in a good way. He's pretty light on his feet and gets through with his OTT performance - he basically leers a lot and sexually harrasses Lilia to a latin beat. The judges praise his "big personality" (a polite way of saying he's annoying) but that won't help with the ballroom dances, methinks.

GETHIN JONES AND CAMILLA DALLERUP

Now this is a bit weird because Sarah knows a girl called Gethan, but this is Gethin with an I, and he's a chap. He appears to be the John Noakes one on Blue Peter. Apparently he's rather hunky - Sarah doesn't see it but Mark does, oh yes. Anyway, he's godawful (but fills out his shiny purple cha cha cha shirt very nicely) and as Craig Upper-Norwood says, he'll need the teeny texter vote to keep him in unless he improves big time.

WILLIE THORNE AND ERIN "FACE OF" BOAG

Willie is an old snooker player apparently and everyone expects him to be rubbish. In your face, haytas! He gets the best waltz score of the night from the judges. I can't really see him being any good at latin, though. Bring on the jive!

JOHN BARNES AND NICOLE CUTLER

Awww...look at the big slab of yellow former football genius! He was so cute in that New Order video. Actually, he's pretty light on his feet and seems very jolly and to be having a good time. That enormous yellow blouse was a mistake though. Arlene tells him to stop eating all the pies and shape up. Craig provokes LOL's aplenty when he says that he likes a man with a bit of meat on his bones - a bit TMI there, Craig. John gets top marks of the night! Hurrah!

KENNY LOGAN AND OLA JORDAN

Oh, this is the COUPLES AT WAR! twist. Kenny is Mr Gabby Logan and also an ex scottish rugger player. He also has a huge Desperate Dan style chin. His waltz is pretty clumpy and graceless and he doesn't take the judge's criticism well. He improves a lot in the dance-off though and scrapes through to dance again.

THE LADIES GROUP SWING DANCE

It’s hard to tell who is any good in the group dance, but lovely Alesha Dixon (the girl who used to break it down and start shouting “boom shakka lacka!” in the middle of every Mis Teeq song), Stunner Kelly Brook (I’m not being sarcastic, she is really incredibly beautiful) though unfortunately she is stuck with cockfarmer Brendan as her partner, Gabby Logan and Mrs Rod “I’m a photographer too! Yes really!” Stewart all look they will do well. Bruno is going to run out of OTT metaphors to describe that lot. Stephanie Beacham adds camp value and I’m not sure how Shazza off EE will do - she seems to be trying to be bubbly and wacky to make up for her inferior looks/skillz. It’ll be fun to watch the wardrobe dept try to cope with her top heavy figure, anway. She looked like an apple on stilts on the Sunday show.

MARK'S TOP PREDICTIONS

Alesha and Kelly are my favourites to win so far, even though I barely saw them dance, plus I am liking John Barnes (and Gethin for Shallow And Obvious Reasons).

SARAH'S TOP PREDICTIONS

I think John Barnes is this year's stalking horse, and am also liking Dulwich Girlz Alesha and Kelly - despite having to mop up after a drooling spouse...

NEXT WEEK

The men do a group dance and the women dance individually, doing either the foxtrot (yay!) or the rumba (boo!) Will Kate Garraway's feet have fallen off by then? Tune in and see!