STRICTLY COME DANCING: SHE-DEVILS ON HEELS

After the men’s poor showing last week, everyone is looking forward to what the ladies (PS stop calling them “girls”, Brucie you old dinosaur) can do. And speaking of Brucie, is it just me or have his scripted links to camera become even more incoherent, garbled, unfunny etc etc than ever before, such that I find myself grinding my teeth whenever he appears on screen? (some of his ad libs are still quite funny, mind you)

BOOBWATCH: Tess wears a strapless green number, which is not bad, but the highly pleated bodice makes it look a bit as if her boobs are made of paper mache. The fabric on the one she wears for the results show looks like old Christmas wrapping paper and has a weird sticky out bit along the neck line, as though a bit of the hem has become unstitched.

I lied last week and said they are doing the foxtrot and the rumba, when actually it is the quickstep and the rumba. The quickstep is the one where they charge from corner to corner of the floor and then do flappery type foot moves, the rumba is the boring one where the woman points to the ceiling and tries to look sensuous while the man writhes around her and rubs his thighs a la Vic Reeves and the judges argue whether it is supposed to be romantic or slutty.

STEPHANIE BEACHAM AND VINCENT SIMONE

There is a hilarious clip of Stephanie with giant hair as Sable Colby, giving Joan Collins a well deserved choking on Dynasty, and also of her being camp and bossy to creepy lothario Vincent. She has to do the quickstep in a bacofoil dress and does pretty well, even though it is to a dreadfully unsuitable KT Tunstall song – I really don’t understand why they do these period type dances to modern songs, it must be much easier to do it to a 1920s sounding song. Everyone says she has charisma and glamour (TRU!!) but needs to be lighter on her feet and she gets mainly 6s.

SHAZZA OFF EE AND DARREN BENNETT

Shazza worries about her looks compared to glamazons such as Penny, Alesha and Kelly and who can blame her. Darren seems nice and a good laugh as always. She does the rumba in an unflattering blue dress draped with netting and is OK but not brilliant. The producers have decided to try and draw attention away from Shazza's ample top half by getting her to wave her very shapely legs about, but all you think is: "Hmm...nice legs...Russian tractor driver shoulders...wonder if we're related?"

I have seen a lot worse anyway. The judges say they are too restrained and need to go out and get drunk together. They still get average marks.

KATE GARRAWAY AND ANTON “MADE UP NAME” DU BEQUE

When Kate appears, I hope they will pan down and reveal that her feet have been replaced by robotic limbs or roller skates or something but no such luck. She moans about her feet a lot and how it has messed up her training and then does a quickstep to Love Machine (see above re unsuitable modern songs). It is pretty bad. All the steps seem to take Kate by surprise, Anton is visibly dragging her round half the time and when they reach the bit between the flappering and the trotting, they just seem to stand there and mill around aimlessly. All the judges are very mean (with many references to laughing stock Fiona Phillips) and Craig gives her 2 points! The rest give her 4 and 5s. Anton is relieved that their first score is higher than Fiona Phillips. I can just imagine Fiona Phillips sat at home watching the show, drinking neat vodka out of the bottle and swearing blearily at the TV.

ALESHA DIXON AND MATTHEW

I love Alesha, she seems like she would be really good fun to go out with and I love her dirty laugh. Also she is a stunner! She is doing the rumba and wears a sparkly red dress that barely contains her bosoms. Unsurprisingly she is very good, looks great and puts in a convincing performance of Mills & Boon style emotion as the dance requires. I really hope she goes far in the competition. The judges compare her to “Salome” and “a gazelle” and she gets mainly 8s. Hurrah!

PENNY LANCASTER STEWART AND IAN

I was irrationally inclined to dislike Penny but she seems nice enough and quite down to earth. I think it's because we disliked the former Mrs Stewart so much on Make me a Supermodel; and after all, they're both tall blondes married to Rod Stewart, so it's easy to mix them up.

There is a hilarious shot of her in her LA mansion rehearsing while her dad sits there watching in his vest and trakkie bottoms. Class. She is mega tall (as is her partner) and looks great with her posh green dress, up-hairdo etc. Rod Stewart is watching and has a mysterious black eye. Hmmm. She does a quickstep to proper 1920s sounding music – hurrah - and is pretty good, skipping elegantly round the room, and looking like a bona fide Noel Coward character. I think the band like her too because the singers growl: "Go Penny Go!" just before the middle eight. The judges all love her (Bruno says something about “ecstasy” – perhaps that he is on it) and she gets 8s and a 9 – wowsa!

KELLY BROOK AND THAT C***FARMER BRENDAN

Kelly is not quite as stunning in close up as she was last week and does not seem like the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she is giggly and harmless, and still v beautiful. Brendan is so in awe of her hottness that he almost forgets to be a dickhead. Well I never. Then he mentions that he has to remind himself not to stare at her breasts all the time. Oh well. There is no close-up of Billy Zane polishing a knuckle duster and we are disappointed.

They dance the rumba to a song off Dirty Dancing, which is a bit too obvious for my liking, with Kelly in a high necked gold sparkly dress and pony tail. She is very good (even coping with a stray bit of fringe getting caught on her heel) and looks fantastic and the judges all love her. She gets 8s and a 9 and is now joint first with Penny!

GABBY LOGAN AND IAN

Ian was a right prat last series, but he says he will be nicer this series as Gabby is making an effort to be good, unlike the lazy slut he got landed with last year. The Guardianistas call him "Wolverine", and I think I can see why (ed: he has an adamantium skeleton?).

I think Gabby will be replacing Carol Smilie as the slightly underachieving joyless swot this series, as she goes on about how competitive she is. She does a quickstep to Dean/Nancy’s Things, wearing a red dress. The routine looks quite difficult and complex and Gabby does quite well. The judges are vaguely complimentary and give her 7s and 8s – which would be very good on any series apart from this one. Gabby says tight lippedly that she did it better in rehearsal and probably goes off screen and starts self harming or something to punish herself.

THE MEN’S GROUP DANCE

This is supposed to be a merengue but it's more like a hopeless farrago, as they start dancing to a latin tune that then morphs into the Jackson 5. The choreography is all over the place. Stand out moments = a blatant incident of jazz hands and Dominic playing girl dancers’ bottoms like bongos. WTF?? Willy looks like he will struggle with latin. Kenny is as terrible and clunky as last week, Matt and Gethin are improved, Dominic is still annoying and John still looks like he is enjoying himself and is not bad. The judges tell them that they are all doomed. Doomed, I say!!

THE RESULTS SHOW

This is full of filler and a huge waste of time (especially when sodding Westlife show up). The men even do their retarded group dance again and it makes no more sense than it did the night before. The only good bit is when the Professional Dancers strut their stuff to a medley of songs from Chicago. Finally the actual results come on and – gasp – to everyone’s shock horror, Kate is through. Damn you GMTV viewers and your sympathy votes. Stephanie and Shazza have to dance off and Stephanie is much the same, but Shazza puts a bit more over acting into her performance and gets through. Stephanie is v gracious about the whole thing and makes “I’m too old for this shit anyway” type noises. What a shame, she was good value on the show.

Next week it is the tango and the jive, which both have much scope for hilarity. I am guessing that Kenny or Willy will be going home, esp if they both have to jive….