STRICTLY COME DANCING: TANGO-A-G0G0
This week, the ladies and the men compete with each other for the first time, doing either the tango or the jive, which are two of my favourite dances. I notice that there are many EE cast members in attendance tonight, as well as Billy “no life” Zane yet again. Never mind, I'm sure the residuals from the DVD sales of The Phantom will dry up soon.
BOOBWATCH: Tess is wearing not a bad dress, it’s black with a weird gold tape bikini effect that emphasis her boobs. She is also wearing a very odd pendant that looks like a 1950s car hood ornament and has her hair all Farrah-ed up.
GABBY: I think Gabby used to look nicer without her severe fringe. Anyway, she was apparently disappointed to only come 4th last week and is determined to do better today. She is dancing the jive to that Elton John “Saturday! Saturday!” song. She is wearing a very short grey dress that totally shows off her arse when she spins around. She is pretty good, skipping around like a maniac and grinning all the way through. At the end she does a cartwheel and the splits, which is just showing off really. The judges are all pleased (though apparently she made a mistake – I think she was slightly out of time with Ian while they dancing separately) and give her a bunch of 8s.
GETHIN: Gethin was also disappointed with his first score and says he is now used to snuggling up to the lovely Camilla (I love her surname, Dallerup!). He is tango-ing to “Gold! You’re indestructible!!” and is a lot better than last time, though rather blank and emotionless, and I find the choreography a bit dull. The judges pretty much agree with me, but Arlene announces that he is the chosen male contestant that she will sexually harass for the rest of the series (see Mark, last year…) He gets OK marks
PENNY: Penny is also doing the jive, in a very short blue shiny dress (she wears it well though. Ha ha, do you see what I did there…). She gives it her all but is not so great, tottering round and obviously stumbling a couple of times. She seems to have a problem with heels, which is not very Essex. Maybe they should be white. Afterwards there is a big discussion about how it is v hard for tall people to jive because their freakishly long legs are uncontrollable and don’t get with the beat, daddy-o. Way to put me off wanting to learn my favourite dance, judges! (Later on, Alesha and her super long legs jive excellently, btw). Evil Craig gives her a 5 and she gets 6s and 7s off the others, which isn’t so bad, but she still has a little cry in the Tess-aract.
KENNY: Kenny does the tango to a terrible version of “Call Me” with awful screechy singing. He gives a sob story about having dyslexia in the interview section. Whatever!!! He is a bit better than last week, though rather overdoes the glaring and his hands are a bit rubbish (gorilla like, as the judges say). He gets average marks.
Kenny looks more and more like Jamie Redknapp's chunky cousin every week. Actually, that would be a good combination. Lovely Louise-off-Eternal and Jamie...AT WAR. You've got the ex-girl band and sporty angles covered, and he's got a comedy football manager dad too. Everyone's a winner.
MATT: Matt says that dancing live is as embarrassing as losing your virginity on live TV. Eww, and also it can’t be as embarrassing as some of your EE performances. Matt is wearing baggy trousers, two-tone shoes and an open, short sleeved shirt with an odd flesh coloured vest underneath it. I would have gone for a black or white vest, personally. Also, I fear Flavia’s teeth. The performance is pretty good, with lots of twisting and finger snapping etc. Some times he looks like he’s enjoying it but he has a sort of look of grim determination on his face for some of it. Also there is one bit where he stops and just sort of claps and jiggles around a bit until he remembers what he’s supposed to be doing. He gets pretty good marks (7/8s) and the judges comment on how much he’s improved.
KATE: Kate’s fall offy feet crisis is now over and she is determined to do her best! Her best being rather shit, sadly. She does the tango and looks nice in a green and black dress with her hair up. As per last time, she just seems a bit hesitant as though all the moves are taking her by surprise and often it looks like Anton is dragging her around the floor. She seems very lacking in confidence for a presenter, even when she isn’t dancing. The judges all say that she didn’t do much wrong, but it was still rubbish.
Actually, the reason I want Kate to get voted off is because keeping her there means that her ex-spin doctor husband gets to whine to the cameras about how great she was, and what a fighter she is and all I can think of is: "this man used to work for Peter Mandelson". Think on that GMTV viewers!
DOM: There are lots of hilarious shots in training of Lilia shrieking “SHUT UP!!!” right in Dom’s slappable cheeky Ferengi face. I keep expecting him to start going on about Latium bars. They jive to Christina Haguilera’s inexplicable 1940s pastiche Candyman and Lilia wears a lovely sparkly dress and looks v cute with her hair all marcell-waved up. Dom is a bit shit and there is a hilarious arm wavy bit that even I can recognise as being terrible. Also, his braces pop off his trousers so some of the choreography doesn’t quite work. He gets OK marks but looks very serious as he receives his criticism
LETITIA: Shazza dances a tango to a screechy-vocalled version of Material Girl. Why do they do these awful 80s covers when the proper music is much nicer? She is wearing a long black lacy Spanish style dress that is more flattering than the shorter outfits they’ve put her in in previous weeks. She says that having to dance off last time aged her about two years and is determined to do better this week. She is not bad, though she pulls some embarrassing sex faces whilst dancing, and gets average marks.
JOHN: John is dancing the jive and appears to have lost weight since last week, though that may be the effect of a slimming black shirt vs a non-slimming yellow one! My b/f thinks he is too self confident and cocky and has gone off him, but I still like him, so there. I am not keen on Nicole though (for no good reason whatsoever – her hair makes her look like a lost member of Steps or something).
WILLIE: I really wanted to see Willie doing a jive, but unfortunately he is tangoing instead, dressed in a funereal black suit with Erin in a white shiny dress. She has picked some Authentic Tango Music, which to my ears does not have a beat and thus must be very hard to dance to. Apparently his footwork is good, but his posture is terrible, (like a walrus in the Sahara says Bruno, surreally.) He gets below average marks and everyone is disappointed after he did so well last week.
ALESHA: Alesha wears the shortest green dress in Christendom to do her jive to an excellent choice in music - Shake Your Tail Feather. Lots of shots of her bounding round energetically like a loon in rehearsal, laughing a lot and calling her dance partner “Cutler” in a faux stern fashion. I still love her. Her jive is really excellent, with loads of energy and enthusiasm and lots of super fast kicking, despite her freakishly long jive-averse legs. She gets 9 points from each of the judges, and comes off bouncing and shrieking with joy. Alesha to win!!
Mr P announced that he had died and gone to heaven after Alesha's dance. I ordered our daughter to kick him.
KELLY: Kelly is doing a tango to Abba’s Gimme Gimme Gimme (A man after midnight). Gay much, Brendan? She wears a red lacy number with a cut out boob-window and odd skirt that starts at her ribs, though her hair and make up are ace - she really has the colouring to pull off a Spanish style look. Her tango is good but not exceptional, in my eyes. There’s a bit where they both spin round doing flicky leg moves (why yes, that is the technical term) which I like and a high point, where she gives Brendon a good slap (if I was her I’d have sewn a few 50p pieces into the lining of my glove for that…). Also her performance is pretty good – she is really emphasising the “I’m an actress too!!” bit of her CV. Brendan gallantly admits to making a mistake in the dance and they get 8s and 9s.
RESULTS SHOW: The pro dancers did a very swoopy American Smooth,and somebody vox popped some of the celebrity audience. Jane Horrocks, surrounded by little Blonde Horrockses, said that poor Anton always got the raw deal. The Stenders gang were out in force, propping up the bar as usual and shouting for Shazza and Beano.
There is opera singing from Katharine Jenkins (going for Gethin because he's Welsh, and so is she...) and Andrea Bocelli. I've heard better - in fact I think I've sung a better tenor part than that. Anyway, Erin and Anton swish about to make sure nobody falls asleep. Woo hoo.
Anyway, the scores come in and Willie and John have to dance off. John!!! Gasp!!! Shurely Shome Mishtake! John gets through obviously – they don’t even pretend to have a casting vote type nail biter. Bye Willie, I am still gutted I didn’t get to see you jive. Next week: The American Smooth (aka the Fred and Ginger-y one) and one of the fast latin ones (salsa perhaps???) – which should be fun.
