STRICTLY COME DANCING: IT'S THE SEMIS

It’s semi final time! After last week’s shock horror of Matt getting a free pass despite being RUBBISH and Alesha having to dance-off despite being as wonderful as ever, anything could happen this week! (they’ve been saying that every week though…). I thought they were going to do three dances each, but instead they just do an Argentine tango and one other.

BOOBWATCH:
Tess must have given a really crap xmas card to the costume department as they let her have it with both barrels this week. The first dress is either black or v dark brown at the back, but with a weird bronze metallic apron/bodice/breastplate combo at the front. It makes no sense at all but for the results show it is even worse! A purple shiny dairy milk wrapper type affair, with weird sticky out boob brackets and a tulip skirt with a huge bow that looks like MC Hammers' unfinished pants. This is accessorised with a huge flat gold pendant thing that looks like one of those stands for hot pans. Very very poor.

There is lots of filler about everyone’s journeys and everyone fawning over their dance partners. Zzzz.

ALESHA:
Alesha seems a bit down after last week’s shock horror etc but is obviously determined to soldier on. Her other dance is a quickstep! Yay! They dance to the Amy Winehouse up tempo version of Valerie by the Zutons - both of which are a bit meh, but here it works quite well. She wears a white dress with glittery purple trim and it is a delight to watch as she prances around with Matt and grins adorably. She gets 2 9s and 2 10s, hurrah!

For her Argentine Tango, she wears a shorter ruffly red dress. The choreography is quite low key, with Alesha sidling up to Matthew in a vaguely seductive stylee. There is a good bit at the end where she hops into the air, wraps her legs sideways round Matthew and they twizzle around a bit. The same marks again put her on top of the leader board! Double hurrah!

MATT:
Matt is determined not to choke again this week. I spend the whole show willing him to choke, because I am evil and I want Gethin to be in the final. He does his Argentango first and it is OK but not as good as I would have expected. Matt shuffles around hesitantly and tries to look louche while Flavia wiggles her legs and slinks around. At the end she sort of does a super leg wiggle and turns upside down! Yikes! The judges all patronise Matt about being so bwave and special and not running away crying after last week (I think that dance-numpties like Kate and Kenny were braver, as they know they have no hope of being any good and at least Matt is theoretically good.) Anyway, he gets 8s and 9s and is relieved to have not messed up.

For his second dance he does a waltz. I think it is good but not special. Matt looks rather shuffly again and there is a part where Flavia kneels down and flourishes her dance hankies in a way that reminds me totally of a move that Phoebe-from-Friends would do. There is a good spinny round bit, I suppose. At the end Cabbie Len makes me throw up in my mouth a bit when he stands up and gives Matt a standing ovation for the first time in SCD history. Oh come off it, it wasn’t even the best dance of the series, let alone the best EVAH!!! He gets 4 10s for it? What? Why? Craig has really let me down – I expect that sort of nonsense from Bruno and Len... Grrrr. He is still only second in the leader board though. Phew.

Brucie seems to be indulging in a bit of saucy banter with Craig. Asking him to "finish them off" and all that. The audience behind Craig is snickering.


GETHIN:
Gethin’s non-tango is the Paso doble. Ohs noes – trust him to have two difficult and weird dances when he really needs to get good points. He wears a partially open, glittery black shirt and Camilla wears something weird and whorish. They dance to The Gossip and start off with Camilla draped in a sort of table cloth thing, which Gethin then flaps around in a bullfighterly stylee. Hmmm, it is not great but not bad either. There is lots of weird camera work and at one point Gethin hurls Camilla roughly to the floor and she lands practically ON a camera (we later learn that Camilla f***ed her shoulder doing this move. Ouch). By the end of the dance, Gethin’s shirt is almost totally open. Rrowwr! The judges are non plussed and he gets mainly 8s.

For the tango, they dance to one of the newer Bond themes and Camilla wears a different whorish dress, this time with some sort of pink floral lurgy spreading over one shoulder and her décolletage. It is quite moody and atmospheric and a lot better than the last one but still a bit meh. He gets good marks for this one but is still bottom of the leader board at the end of the show.

I've noticed that the male slebs like to do "Grr" faces when they want to show that they're really getting into the dance, no honest. Occasionally Matt does a "rrroaow", but mostly its a "rarrrh" face. Gethin, now that he' has discovered his inner BEAST, likes to go "RAAARH" at odd moments.

RESULTS SHOW!!
We voted for Alesha for the first time, as we promised we would when we met the other week (name dropping? Moi?). Lots of recap and filler, blah blah and then a group jive, which I miss as I am pottering round in the kitchen. This is probably just as well, as many small children come out and start dancing.

More filler and then an exhibition dance by a tiny blonde woman in a leotard and a burly, shirtless, heavily waxed and bronzed he-lunk. They start off like a rumba and then the man picks up the woman and starts flipping her round and spinning her round over his head. It is impressive, but all a bit Cirque du Soleil as my boyfriend points out. I think it's all a bit Bromley. Tess asks the final three if they are looking forward to doing that next week and Alesha says yes, if it means she can dance with the shirtless lunk. Heh.

Finally James sodding Blunt comes out and mewls tunelessly while Ola and Lilia(?) prance around with their menfolk whilst wearing hideous black net body stockings. Great.

Results time!!! Oh, I’m nervous! Alesha gets the automatic place – yay! She seems overcome by emotion and turns to be hugged by Matthew as her spotlight goes out. I think her fanbase were shocked into reaching for the phone after last week. Matt and Gethin dance off and then it's down to the judges. Craig picks Matt, Arlene picks Gethin, Bruno picks Matt so it is all down to Len – hmm, I wonder who he is going to pick, given that he has been patronising Matt and making excuses for him for the last two weeks. Oh what a surprise, it’s Matt. Gethin takes it like a good sport and says he is pleased he has some good moves for the dance floor now. He does his American smooth lift on Camilla as their last dance starts.

Can I just say that I think that was a terrible decision by the judges. Matt has been more consistent over the whole series, but even on his good dances (jive, quickstep etc) he was prone to making mistakes and lhe still looks terrified or wan half the time while he’s dancing. Also, there is a good chance he’ll flake out again and the final will be less fun as a result. Since Gethin clicked, he has been a much more confident and consistent and has been much more fun to watch.

SARAH: I disagree. I think Matt has had a dip in form recently, but his mistakes are down to nerves, not bad technique and he has consistently shown himself to be a sensitive, natural dancer who really feels the music. And his arms are better. And I don't fancy either of them.

Oh well, ALESHA TO WIN!!!!

STRICTLY COME DANCING: THE QUARTER FINALS!

This week it's 100% wholesome Mark goodness...

It’s down to the last four couples and “no one wants to go home at this stage!” I like the way that Alesha always dances along to the title music at the start of the show.

BOOBWATCH
For the main show, Tess wears a black dress with a strangely quilted front like a sleeping bag. I am so entranced by this that I fail to notice her boobs

For the results show she has a shorter black skirt, red sash and an asymmetrical white top with a strange square front section like a pillowcase.

GETHIN:
Gethin is all excited after getting good marks last week. He is dancing the American Smooth and the Jive (both crowd pleasers) this week and Camilla now trusts him enough to incorporate lifts into the routine.

His American Smooth is pretty good, and indeed he does flip Camilla onto his shoulder and spin her around for a bit. It is hard to think of different ways to describe these ballroom dances when they are done well as they are all so samey. He gets 2 9s and 2 10s.

They both look raring to go for their jive, which they dance to “Knock on Wood”. It is also very good, with Gethin being all fun and bouncy like he was with his latin last week. He jumps off the steps, slides along on his knees (melting his nylon trousers in the process!) etc and so on. Bruce makes a vaguely amusing remark about a judge throwing knickers onto the stage, which is not about Arlene but Craig. The judges all love it but say his kicks should have been kickier, or something. 3 9s and a 10, to give him the top score of the evening!

ALESHA:
Apparently Alesha has the best marks ever from all the series to date. Matthew makes some comments about how it is not fair that Gethin is suddenly really good and that he should “go back to where he came from”. Wales? The Blue Peter Garden?

They will be dancing the Viennese Waltz and the Paso Doble, both of which are hard to make look good and get good marks for (compared to Gethin’s dances tonight, for example).

For her waltz, Alesha wears a germolene pink sparkly dress and has those stupid dance hankies stuck to her arms. They dance to Memoriessssss!! from Cats (and we later learn that Elaine Paige is in the audience. Woo). The choreography is quite good and there is a fab bit in the middle where the rousing instrumental bit swells up and they start spinning round like maniacs. Len says that if she doesn’t get 4 10’s that he will go and pickle his walnuts. Get pickling, Len! She only gets 2 9s and 2 10s again.

For her Paso Doble she wears a shorter green dress with lots of ruffly bits around the hem and they dance to that famous Fugue thing that was a pop hit in the 70s (maybe?). It is quite good I suppose. The judges say she wasn’t quite stampy enough and that they also appeared to make a mistake. Alesha says that the last 20 seconds was completely made up as they went along – but I wouldn’t have noticed as she carried on dancing rather than standing there looking hapless, MATT. Later on, her and Matthew do a funny, made-up-on-the-spot Paso whilst beign interviewed in the corridor. She gets 3 9s and a 10 from Bruno, to put her one point lower than Gethin. Gasp!

LETITIA:
After being all poorly last time, Letitia is completely better this week and seems to be really enjoying herself for the first time ever. She will be dancing the standard Waltz and the Jive (ruh roh, not easy for people over 30 to do well).

She wears a light blue ballgown for the waltz, which would be very pretty if it had less nude effect flesh coloured bits on it. She is very elegant and the waltz is very good. Afterwards the judges compliment her but say she should lift her shoulders more, leading to much hilarity when Letitia points out that its hard to lift your shoulders when you’ve got giant boobs. 8s and 9s for a decent overall mark.

They dance the Jive to “Dead Ringer”, which is a good choice. It’s um, energetic and Shazza looks like she’s enjoying herself but her footwork isn’t great. Still, she doesn’t just jiggle around looking vaguely hapless, MATT. The judges kindly say that it wasn’t her dance but she gave it her best shot. Letitia jokes that there’s no chance of getting a ten then, and Bruce adds that she might get two 5s. Heh. She gets 7s and 8s, which is not bad and her best latin score EVAH, apparently. She is 3rd out of 4 at the end of the show.

MATT:
Oh Matt. I have had it with you after this poor showing. His two dances are the foxtrot and the samba. He talks about how he is determined to get to the final for Flavia’s sake.

The foxtrot starts with Flavia and Matt sitting on the steps and flirting like love sick children. Blech. They stand up eventually and start dancing around and at some point in the middle it all goes pear shaped and become really stiff and clunky. By the end, when they return to the naughty step, Matt is blatantly not dancing any more! There is some talk that he pulled a muscle or something but it seems to be mainly nerves. All the judges say that everyone can get nervous and forget the steps, but then it’s a matter of how they cover it up. He gets 4 (ouch) from Craig, 6 from Arlene (fair enough, I think) and 8s from the overmark twins Len and Bruno – that was only one point worse than Alesha, was it? O RLY???

For the samba, Matt wears a black outfit with an orange sparkly sash and Flavia wears some sort of lacy trouser suit ensemble. They dance to the Jackson song “Blame it on the boogie” and I think it is tempting fate a bit to dance to a song that includes the line “I just can’t control my feet”. The exact same thing happens again! It starts out OK and then goes all pear shaped half way through again and he clearly forgets what to do.

In the judging section, Craig is quite harsh and Len has an annoying hissy fit, going on about how Matt is only 20 yrs old. What’s that go to do with it? Davetta last year was even younger and she remembered her steps – if he can’t perform then he should leave the competition. He gets 6s to 8s anyway and is bottom of the leader board.

I really think Matt should go home after this week – even when he has been good he has tripped or messed up, and still looks terrified half the time. I wonder what would happen if he had to dance off vs Letitia.

I also try and work out which dances the celebs have yet to do. Has Alesha done a quickstep yet? That should be fun.

RESULTS SHOW
Lots of filler as always. Flavia and Vincent do an Argentine tango (next week the celebs have to do that as well as their latin and ballroom) which seems a bit over complicated and contrived to me.

For more dance fun, a load of shiny german dancers come on and do a synchronised latin routine. It rather descends into lite entertainment hell at this point, esp with the hideous musak style pop medley they dance to.

Finally, Cliff sodding Richard sings a cover version while Anton and Erin and Brendon and Nicole waltz around aimlessly. At one point, Nicole and Erin join Cliff on stage for a bit of dance themed, three way action. I think he would have preferred it if the boys had gone up there, to be honest.

Results time finally and the first through is… Matt! Oh FFS. How you disappoint me, Great British Public. Next is … Gethin. WTF? Alesha is in the dance off? Travesty. Also, buh bye Letitia. Alesha seems more upset than Letitia as they prepare to Dance Off. They both do their highest scored dances – the waltzes – and are both very good again (the lady singing Memories – not so much). Of course Letitia goes and she seems very gracious and resigned to leaving. I am amazed she did this well and really warmed to her (once she stopped snivelling all the time…). Well done, Letitia!

STRICTLY COME PHOTOS

STRICTLY COME DANCING: SHOW 9 OR IS IT 10?

After last week’s excitement, I am back watching it on telly like a prole normal person. Thankfully, we did not appear on “It Takes Two” during the week (Booo! - Sarah), but our comedy shenanigans did end up on the BBC website.

Sadly, Kelly has had to drop out of the competition, as her father died during the week. Poor Kelly, she obviously loved dancing on the show and I will miss her. Brendan; not so much. Bruce and Tess say nice things about her at various points on the show.

BOOBWATCH: Tess is wearing an asymmetric number in a rather hard blue. I do not love the colour on her. The cut is OK, but I’m not sure about the gold belt. It looks as if you could take it off and use it as a Xena-esque Frisbee of Death type thing.

SARAH: I'm not sure about the asymmetric dress. It looks like it was made in a hurry and the seamstress forgot one of the sleeves, a bit like they do on Project Runway, and then try to explain it as a forward looking design decision.

This week everyone is doing two dances each. Gasp!!

MATT:
Matt is first in each round and is doing a tango for his ballroom. He has his hair slicked back and is wearing a comedy cravat. They do it to that Gwen Stefani “tick tock tick tock” song (which I do like), but the screechy singers change the words when it comes to the “Take a chance, you stupid ho” bit. Wimps. The dance is a bit meh. I’m not sure why. I think I expected more of Flavia’s choreography, as she is supposed to be a tango expert. Craig complains that they stop doing weird tick tock arm movements and then go into a bland tango. Matt gets OK-but-not-great-for-week-9 scores of 7s and 8s.

BTW, I am sick of everyone hinting that Matt and Flavia have a secret luuurve connection. It’s not Big Brother and I don’t care! Tess Daly is particularly embarrassing, like your auntie who asks if you're courtin' at family Christmas parties, and then proceeds to try and cop you off with anybody male, single and in possession of their own teeth.

For his latin he does a rumba in an open white shirt. I (still) hate the rumba but he is OK I suppose. I notice that his pointy arm movements are good and the judges agree with me. Flavia is very bendy. He gets better marks than for the tango and is left firmly in the middle of the table.

LETITIA:
More scenes of Letitia crying and gurning all through the weekly rehearsals. Get a grip, woman! She whinges that she is the oldest in the competition and has to learn two energetic dances in the same week. Oh boo hoo. On the actual night of the show however, she is struggling with gastric flu and has to keep running off camera to throw up. OK, I feel a bit sorry for her now. Darren makes it even worse by yelling: "She's spent the last fifteen minutes vomiting, for God's sake! Have you no heart?" at anybody who dares to criticise her. Tess is v. concerned and clucky, bit like that auntie...etc.

Her ballroom dance is the quickstep. She wears a flowing dress of royal purple silk that makes her look like a giant bar of Cadburys dairy milk. The dance is OK – it is not really light and sprightly enough and the choreography is not the most demanding – resembling an overdressed game of hopscotch in parts. She gets Ok-ish marks.

For latin, she does the cha cha cha in an unflattering black corset with pearly highlights and a feather skirt. The dance is not great and the gap in talent between Letitia and the top 3 is pretty evident now. Her scores put her second to bottom

KENNY:
He Lunk Kenny starts out doing a foxtrot. Ola appears to have a number of stoats attached to her arm??? It is, well, it’s not great but it’s not terrible either. I think this is the first week that he actually looks vaguely like a dancer. There's still too much pratting about and walking Ola around the floor though.

For his latin he does a rumba (sigh). He doesn’t do any hip-gyrating, but again, looks vaguely dancerly and manages a suitable mills and boonish performance of lurve. The judges don’t really like it though and Arlene makes a terrible pun re “pole dancing” (Ola being Polish) that she should be ashamed of. Ola barely restrains herself from leaping over the desk and lamping Arlene, but you can see that Arlene will pay...oh yes...

His overall marks put him bottom.

GETHIN:
This week, Camilla ropes in an acting coach to try and overcome Gethin’s stage fright and unleash the real Gethin. Acting Coach arrives and Gethin asks: "Are you an acting coach". The Acting Coach declaims: "YES! I am...an ACTING coach."

There is cute footage of “the real Gethin” bouncing round the rehearsal studio like Tigger. For his ballroom, he is doing a waltz. He has been pretty good at this kind of thing in the past and does an excellent job, getting a 9 and 3 10s.

For his latin, he is doing a salsa in an unfortunate see through blouse (which he later jokes about) OMG, what a transformation! He is super confident and puts in a great performance, charging round the floor whilst gyrating like a maniac. It is great fun to watch and he seems to be really enjoying it. For the first time ever, he leaves Matt in the dust. He gets an 8 from Craig and 9’s from the others. Come on, that definitely deserved a ten! His overall marks leave him joint top with Alesha.

ALESHA:
My pal Alesha gets all tired and emotional this week. Don’t cry, Alesha! She is doing the tango (yay!) and the samba (boo!). For her tango she wears a rather nasty yellow and red dress and has a huge red fake flower glued to her head. I am not loving the costumes this week, I must say. Her tango is very good and there is an awesome bit where Matt grabs her and drags her backwards for five yards or so. The judges like it and make a few teeny tiny technical points, as she is not as perfect as they want her to be. 9’s and 10s! Hurrah!

For her samba she wears another white dress and they dance to the 4 tops, “I’ll be there”. The band must be trying out a new arranger, because the music is dreadfully clunky, and the brass section appears be be playing another tune entirely.

The “dun duh dun duh dun duh dun” bits are quite good for booty shaking, but this dance leaves me a bit cold – I think it is her worst to date. The judges say that if she had started dancing as a child, she could be pro level by now, and criticise her knees a bit. She gets 8s and 9s to put her equal to Gethin.

SARAH: The problem with the Results Show is that it frequently brings back memories of cheesy 70s Light Ent programmes, and not in a good way, so I find my attention wandering to the washing machine...

This results show has Kylie (gasp!) performing her new single dressed as one of those frilly toilet roll covers that my nan used to make. I'm sure somebody liked the performance, but I thought she was miming, and the single channelled last year's cheesy electro. The best thing about it was when the male pro dancers came on and started doing Young Generation-style arm waving and gyrating. Brendan does lots of strutting to get Kylie's attention, but she ignores him.

There were the usual dances from the professionals, and Flavia's tango was pretty exciting. The judges line the dancers up and take pot-shots at them. Then we discover that Kenny and Letitia are in the dance-off. Poor old Letitia practically needs a bucket onstage, but she soldiers on through the purple armwavy dance, and everybody knows that Kenny's for the chop anyway. The judges don't even bother making any excuses about "judging the dancer on the night's performance", and choose Letitia.

Surely it will be Letitia to go next week and Matt and Gethin battling to lose to Alesha in the final. I am hoping it’s Alesha vs Gethin, after this week’s performance.

SARAH: I still have hopes for Matt, whose puppyish intensity is beginning to make me feel all motherly. But definitely Aleesha 2 win!!

OMG OMG !!11!!eleven!!!

This week, I am actually in the studio audience for the live show, thanks to my boyfriend E, who works at the BBC (he used to work in the stewards/ticketing department and still has friends in the office he can contact for help). As well as me and E, we are accompanied by our friend D and her mum T, who is visiting for her 60th birthday.

We have to get there hella early – 3.30 – to get our tickets validated and hand in our bags/coats etc. Audience members are then held in a foyer area that is a bit like an airport (bar, shop, caff, not enough seats). We started to be seated at about 5 and had to queue for ages while everyone was slowly shuffled into the studio - while we were waiting, we saw Gloria Hunniford (who is TINY!!!) arrive in a black Rolls, and also queued next to the celeb audience/friends and relatives – including such stars as Quentin Whatsisname off Top Gear! Gok Wan! Parkwife off EE (who appeared to have come dressed as her character!) and the Fonz!! Brendan walks past and everyone goes “Wooo!” (apart from me and E, who go “wanka!!!”)

We are at the back of the queue, but one of E’s friends is working on the floor and saves us four seats at the front! We are right next to the celeb seating area, but in a dark corner and have cameramen running in front of us the whole evening, but we have a little monitor screen so we don’t miss too much.

Gabby Logan turns up! She is much prettier IRL. Also Kate Garraway, wearing a weird grey dress, and a cute athletics bloke, whose name I have forgotten (Darren Chambers poss?)

A warm up guy talks drivel and then we all stand up and clap for Brucie! Even though it is only 5.45! I always make fun of his ropey presenting, but he did a really good job warming up the crowd – he gets a lady up out of the audience and dances with her, sings a song, thanks everyone for coming and tells everyone his secret signal if he desperately needs a laugh. Whenever he got the chance he would run out and chat to everyone – he really made an extra effort to keep the audience happy.

The judges arrive and they record the Sugababes section for the Sunday show. Darren and Lilia do a rumba type thing that is very good. They are both teeny tiny IRL! It is interesting to see them dance live as you can watch whatever you want, not just what the camera is pointing at. Lilia’s dress gets tangled up in her heels at one point and she also misses her footing after a lift, but of course can cover for it with ease. The retarded dancing facial expressions work a lot better IRL too, as at one point Lilia appears to smiling adoringly at us!! Wooo! They have to record the whole thing again before they are happy with it, then Tess comes on and tells the Babes their new record has gone platinum and gives them the disc.

The floor manager bloke coaches us on how to be an audience – we are ORDERED to boo and cheer at the judges scores!

ZOMG it is time for the live show! We all start clapping along to the music and Brucie and Tess reappear. The live show is quite easy to sit through (as opposed to some recordings, which are really boring and repetitive), as whenever the dancers go to Tess’ room, or when they show them training, we can basically chat amongst our selves and relax. We are highly tempted to run on stage during one of the dances and start getting on down – it’s a live show and they couldn’t do anything about it. Bwa ha ha!

We don’t, of course.

THE DANCES!! I will let Sarah describe the dances, as I was totally distracted by all the cameramen running around and getting in the way. I enjoyed all of them though (even the rub ones), but especially Matt & Flavia, who were super fast and skill - Matt was even making little GRRR! faces like a proper dancer! Bless! – and Alesha & Matthew. Alesha looked fantastic and just seems infectiously happy when she is dancing – I wanted them both to do their dances again when they had finished.

SARAH: Well, Gethin and Camilla were good. John kept looking at his feet. Letitia was wearing a brown thing, and did rather well. I nearly welled up myself when Arlene gave her a mumsy lecture about being a beautiful woman and a good dancer with lots of potential. Brendan and Kelly did lots of posing and very little actual proper dancing. Why does Brendan think he's some kind of avant garde choreographer when the evidence is so...pedestrian? It's like watching a hen night in Ballymena. One of my favourite bits is him trying to take on Arlene - the woman who picked up Light Ent dancing by the scruff of the neck, stuck it in a leather gimp suit and made it writhe all over a panting Kenny Everett - and suggest she didn't know what good dancing was.

Where was I? Oh yes, Alesha was grate. So was Beano. And Kenny did lots of strongman lifting and walking about with great good humour. All he needed was a cow pie.

Back to Mark...

We then have a 90 minute break until the recording of the results show, and rush off to grab a seat and some wine in the foyer. While we are sitting chatting, a BBC bod comes over and asks me and E to record some vox pop sections for It takes Two, as they need “two lads” – (which I believe is code for GAYS!!!) We agree, possibly because we have already drunk a fair amount of wine, and go and stand in a corridor. We say who we liked (Matt and Alesha!!!) and who we think might go (Kelly or John???) and promise to hang around at the end to be interviewed again. We sit down again and then someone else comes over and asks us to do another vox pop, for the website this time. It is pretty much the same kind of thing but then they ask who we would be if we could be anyone on SCD – I say I would be Camilla so I could dance with Gethin (ahem) and E v lamely says he wants to be Bruno so he can give everyone 10 points for their dances. They ask him to do a Bruno impression and he tells them to fuck off. I don’t think that bit will make the website, somehow. Then they make us do the Tess/Bruce “keeeep dancing!!!” thing and we have to do it 3 times before the camera man is happy. By the time we are finished, everyone in that corner of the foyer is laughing at us. Oh well.

Back for the results show. This is even shorter as all the recap stuff is on VT and doesn’t require the audience. Bruce asks the judges for their thoughts and then has to do it all over again as Len makes an incomprehensible joke about Sainsburys, which can’t be broadcast as it is a brand name. Some Charleston bods come on and dance a bit and then Anton and Erin join them and do a high speed quickstep that is breathtaking to watch, with the pair of them coming this close to crashing into all the lights by the side of the dance floor as they shoot past us.

Next it is the much hyped group Dirty Dancing tribute group dance. I like the bit on the VT where they show Gethin and Matt feeling each other up. It is fun to watch but I was all like, “Aaargh! Too many people! Who do I look at!” There was a brief possibility that they would have to do the dance all over again, but sadly it was not to be.

Finally it is results time. As the pairs come and stand on their marks, there is much good luck wishing, kissing and hugging etc. All the people with good marks get through! Kenny gets through. Sigh. It is down to Letitia, Barnesy and Kelly. I think John will leave vs either of the two women, and yes – it is him vs Kelly!! Kelly totally messes up the choreography in the dance off (just standing and jiggling for one bit when she is supposed to be travolta-ing) but still beats John – oh well, I think he had gone as far as he was going to in terms of skillz.

That’s the end finally and we go back to the foyer to talk more bollocks to camera folk about how we are not at all shocked John has gone. E accuses me of being a camera hog this time! Then E takes us up to the TV Centre Bar as he has heard that all the celebs and dancers go up there after the shoot every week. The bar is pretty rammed and we see Parkwife and Matt di Angelo straight away! Pretty soon there are loads of famous people there – deep breath: Flavia, Vincent, Erin, Lilia, Anton, Darren, Ola, James, Matthew, Nicole, Brendan, Craig, Tess, Vernon Kaye, Gabby, Kenny, Kate, Kelly, Alesha, Barnesy, The Fonz, Quentin off Top Gear! (We are v sad that there is no sign of Gethin, Letitia or Bruno)

Anton is chatting to someone nearby so we ask him to say hello to T, as it is her birthday soon and she lurves him! Anton (who is what I would call a “smoothie”) gives her a birthday kiss and poses with her for a nice picture. Wooo! Me and E go over and gush to Alesha about how much we love her. She is really nice, asks us our names, thanks us for our support and talks about how Matt being so good really fired her up. We also get pictures with her and she gives T a birthday kiss too. E and T chat to Kate and say they miss her dancing (which is true, tee hee) and get another picture. Everyone was really friendly and approachable, but we didn’t bother anyone else and just kept to ourselves until chucking out time.

Random observations:

• Kelly and Brendan barely spoke in the bar, but the rest of the celebs seemed v friendly with their dancers.
  
• Brendan had two girls sleazing over him and licking his face all evening. Vom.
  
• Vernon Kaye looks about 15 yrs old in real life.
  
• James seems nice and smiled at me for no reason (??).
  
• Craig was sitting with a handsome young gentleman all night.
  
• We tried to remember the Fonz’s catchphrase – the nearest we got was “fandabbydozie”! – and were too chicken to go and talk to him.
  
• Alesha’s relaxing evening dress looked like a dance costume – v short and sparkly!

So yes, it was a great day out. Special thanks go out to Anton, Alesha and Kate for not ordering us to be tasered by burly security guards.

STRICTLY: WHAT KATIE DID

It’s past the half way mark and now all the celebs are going to do different dances. Exciting!

Tess is wearing a long pink dress with a lumpy bodice that makes her look she’s storing her groceries down her front. When she comes down the steps, she pulls the sides of the skirt out like Batman about to swoop down on a miscreant!

KELLY

Kelly is doing the jive in a short, sparkly pink number, which is accessorised by Brendan’s uber-gay pink sparkly shoes. She seems to be really enjoying training and has a comedy jive face (ie slack jawed/smiling), which she tries to control. The dance is very good, very fast and snappy and Kelly seems to be hugely enjoying it. 9’s across the board!

LETITIA

Letitia cried last week when the judges said mean things about her latin dance. Boo! Bad judges! This week she is doing the foxtrot in a flattering red dress with a v neck. She looks a bit stiff and frozen to me but the judges like it and say she was as good as Kelly in her way – also her shoulders are finally doing what they are supposed to do. She gets 2 8s and 2 9s. Really? It didn’t look 9-worthy to me.

KENNY

Blockhead Kenny is doing the cha cha cha this week and is also baring his arms again. Him and Ola go up to Scotland during the week to shore up the vote and Ola wears two bits of tinsel for the dance, also to shore up the vote. Oh dear. They dance to a Jacko song and, as usual, Kenny just sort of walks around and grins while Ola dances for two. He tries to moon walk and waves his arms around a bit but it is v poor. The judges are not complimentary (Bruno says that at least the humping was in time, heh) but Len gives him a 7 anyway??? What? Are you on crack, Len?

JOHN

John is doing the tango and is so nervous about his posture and determined to keep a straight face that he fails to do any performing at all. It is not so good and he gets fairly poor marks. I am quite bored by the whole thing and spend the whole time trying to work out what it is about Nicole that annoys me so much.

SARAH: For me it's Nicole's wig-like hair and wizened, half-starved face.

GETHIN

Poor Gethin is doing a rumba. Yuk. In order to try and feel romantic, he goes on a crypto-date with Camilla and ends up dancing on a floating restaurant. The rumba is OK, with Gethin standing and gyrating slowly while Camilla flaps around having a fit of the vapours. It’s as good as any other one I’ve seen, I suppose. All the judges say that he wasn’t romantic enough and that Camilla was doing all the emoting. He gets a 7 and three 8s though, and is pretty pleased with it.

KATE

Kate is doing the paso doble in a hideous outfit made of orange net ruffles. Lots of hilarious footage of Anton trying to swing her round like a cape and Kate rolling round like a sack of potatoes. At some point in rehearsals she pulls a muscle in her upper back though – ouch, I did that recently and it was a bastard – and they have to change the whole routine. I start wondering what other injuries Kate will have to get before she gives up. Hmmm, the dance is not too terrible and Kate has a fair crack at looking like a fierce senorita, but all the bits where she spins round, Anton catches her and props her up again are terrible and jerky. The judges are sympathetic about her sore back and again, she gets an inexplicable 7 from Len.

MATT

Matt was all OMG WTF??? last week after having to do the dance off. This week he is doing a quickstep and is determined to do better. Flavia looks disturbingly like a teenage boy in some of the training footage. Their dance is very fast and complicated with lots of skipping around in different holds and separately. Matt does very well to keep up with it all, though he does stumble at one point. Arlene says she loves him again now and everyone says he did well but shame about the trip. He gets pretty good marks, including an 8 from Len – that’s right, he gets one point higher than Kenny, who can barely walk in time to music. Sigh.

ALESHA

Alesha’s comedy nans appear in the VT, running round trying to get everyone to vote for her. She does a waltz in a glittery white and silver dress with lots of floaty bits stuck to her arms. Buh-buh- the music is that Simon Bates "Our Tune" theme. Mr P and I started intoning: "There was a lovely young lady...Let's call her Ally...she's a singer in a band...and there was a guy - as there always is - called Harry...Harry also sang in a band...and did musicals..."

It is v v good and the judges all go into raptures. Craig says he even felt a stirring of emotion in his cold dead heart for once! She gets 9s from Craig and Len and 10s from Arlene and Bruno – the best mark in the series to date. Of course she goes mental in the Tess-eract when the marks come in. Alesha to win!!!

THE RESULTS SHOW

Lots of recap and filler and then the professional dancers do a group foxtrot. Tess is now wearing a black and silver dress with a big bow on it, that is much better fitted round her boobs, but it could have lost the bow and looked much better. In other news, that gimp from the Joseph show does a Stones song while Camilla and Nicole have a sort of stylised catfight through the medium of Spanish dance. Okkkayyyy.

After that, the latin number one couple in the whole wild world ever come on and do a dance that starts off as a rumba then turns into a salsa (or something). Also, during the course of the whole thing, the lady’s outfit starts off as a dress, then turns into a leotard and then into a dress again! Freaky! When professional dancers are this good, it is so stylised and uber performed that it stops being like dancing and turns into weird alien spazzing out, IMO (see also, the frenetic insectile jerking of the pro jive last week).

The results! Dun dun dunhhh! All the good people get through, pretty much in order of fabness, leaving John, Kenny and Kate at the end – looks like one of the dance dunces will finally be going this week. Kenny gets through – thanks a lot, Scotland! - so, buh bye Kate. They dance off and Kate is a lot better this time round – she still goes, of course, and gives a nice speech about how she appreciated everyone voting for her and hopes she has shown that anyone can enjoy dancing, even if they are totally rubbish. She came across really well on the show, I thought. Cheers Kate!!

Next week: Mark will be in the studio audience, gasp!!!!!

STRICTLY COME DANCING: TECHNICAL FAULT

I was on a family break (Center Parcs) this weekend, and my mum wouldn't let me watch it. And Mark's video packed in (get with the 20th century technology...)

I saw a bit of the Sunday show, so saw poor Penny go. Well, she was a bit of a clogger, but a lovely woman nonetheless, and still not as bad as Kenny. I expect Len will be raging at the Great British Public's iniquitous voting patterns from his LA cab...

The Sunday show featured the pros jive dancing in green shirts - Wolverine went totally Aussie and tore the sleeves off his. Ack. The women wore green and white pompoms and the Strictly version of the jive is just...weird. I can't stand it. Then we saw the celebs all dressed up in 1940s uniforms and dresses for a Remembrance Day Jitterbug special that they all seemed to get into, except for Kenny, who tried to climb out of the rehearsal room window. They all did really well - even Kate, and the band enjoyed playing proper dance music for a bit.

Going out with proper Strictly fans next weekend, so normal service will be resumed on 18 November

Can I squeeze your melons?

Last night Susannah out of Trinnyandsusannah got her dream come true with a whole show where she got to feel baps in the guise of fitting out the nation's tits in better fitting bras. She even got to feel Trinny's fake ones.

I don't really like T&S make-overs. Yes, they look better than at the start but they also seem to have had their personalities stripped out of their style and converted into identikit figures wearing exactly the same sort of style, even if in different shapes. It's like Lego minifigs with extra make-up.

But, this is one of the things about long-running lifestyle/reality/etc type programmes. The formula makes for a great little game.

So, the Trinny and Susannah bingo card.

STRICTLY COME DANCING: DOM DE DOM GONE

I have given up being aghast at Brucie’s horrendous jokes and autocue disasters. He talks about all the shock scandal controversy re last week and then it’s on with the show.

This week the poor celebrities are doing the Pasa Doble (aka flamenco dancing with an angry bull) and the foxtrot (a sort of slow, elegant ballroom dance where they stop and lean over every now and again).

BOOBWATCH

Oh dear oh dear. Poor Tess has been bundled into a grey sheet-like Grecian style number that makes her chest look like badly stuffed upholstery. She is also wearing a strange grey bangle thing that looks like some sort of medical appliance. What’s that all about? I thought she'd sellotaped her script to her wrist. The red results show dress does her a few more favours, but I really think she should sack her stylist.

KELLY: Keith Harris look-a-like Brendan says that he won’t do any more naughty illegal lift shenanigans. Kelly says she will strike a blow for feminism by doing some cape twirling, plus OMG her cape is really pink and sparkly!!! Kelly’s hair and make up are lovely but she is wearing some sort of red and black basque type thing that makes her look like a Castillian hooker. Brendan is wearing a tight black shirt with see-through mesh panels. Vom. They dance to “You give love a bad name” (Why???) and it starts off with Kelly flapping her cape. Then Brendan slides over to her on his knees and starts making fierce faces and waving his arms around. Oh whatever. It’s not bad but all a bit 80s video-esque for my liking. The Sladey house thought it would go down well in Bromley.

The judges aren’t that bothered and say that there was not enough Paso content and that Kelly wasted too much time with her sparkle motion cape action. Kelly retorts that she did lots of research into matadors and wanted to show that wimmin too could participate in the slow and agonising ritual slaughter of a large mammal. As long as their capes were pink and sparkly. Arlene also says that Kelly’s short outfit made all her bad leg/foot movements much more apparent. They get mainly 7s – their worst mark yet, but Kelly says that she doesn’t care if no one liked it because she’s hott and will get lots of votes anyway (not really…)

ALESHA: Lovely Alesha has trouble learning the dance, so in a not-at-all-contrived interview segment, her two grans show up with a tea urn and some fairy cakes and make her and Matt dress up in 1940s clobber. Her grans seem lovely too, and tell her to stop messing around and get on with it. For her foxtrot, Alesha wears a gold and lime green gown that really suits her (though I’m not sure about the matching eye shadow and nails). Her hair is lovely too. The dance is very elegant and looks ace to me – she gets all 9’s, seems to be on the verge on tears and says she wants a cup of tea afterwards. Awwww.

LETITIA: Letitia feels better after getting decent marks last week. She does the Paso to “Live and let die” - I don’t generally like inappropriate type music but all the ”Duh duh duh!!!” bits work quite well. She wears a blue and black sparkly dress with a deep v neck and slit skirt, which really suits her for once, and it is all very flamenco-y and dramatic. She gets lots of praise from the judges and her best score yet. Yay! Go Letitia. I love it on this program when someone obviously improves and gets into it more and more each week.

GETHIN: Gethin is doing the foxtrot and looks quite suave in a tux. Camilla has her hair up in a severe bun and wears a horrendous dress with loads of skin coloured mesh and glittery straps over her top half. The dance is pretty good, but Gethin spoils it by doing a Robbie Williams type slap inducing wink at the end. He gets good marks (7 and 3 8’s) and the judges comment on his improvement. Arlene leers at him a bit too, but that goes without saying.

DOMINIC: There are amusing shots of Dom trying to flap his cape around in rehearsal and ending up wrapping it round his head. A stern Spanish lady comes and helps teach him how to be fierce and bullfighterly. He is wearing a comical black toreador outfit with red sparkly flower shapes. Lilia comes up with some good choreography as usual but Dominic is very stompy and comes across more like an angry gnome than a masterly toreador. He gets average marks and is told off for not dancing in tinme to the music. In Tess’ Chamber, he makes various sour remarks about how the judges never give him good marks. Maybe that’s because you’re RUBBISH, Dominic. PS. Also no one likes a bad loser.

Come Sunday, Dominic's little Ferengi face gets even crosser when he finds himself in the Dance of Doom.

JOHN: Various football legends like Alan Hansen and Daveeed Ginola (still lovely, even though he's fat and grey now - Sarah) come on to say how competitive John is, while John says he isn’t competitive at all, oh no. John’s cute son is also wheeled out again. He does a foxtrot and again it is rather dull. Sort out this choreography pls, Nicole! Also, isn’t it time for him to do a latin dance? Craig hates it and gives him a 4 (booo!) but the others say he was not bad. His overall marks aren’t great though.

KENNY: Oh, this should be a laugh. Kenny goes on about how he offered his place to Gabby last week, but wasn’t allowed to do so (I should think not, seeing as people paid money to keep him in). He says he doesn’t care any more and is just going to have a laugh. Ola meanwhile decides to try and get as many votes as possible by squeezing into an outfit that barely contains her bosoms.

OMG What is Kenny wearing? A sleeveless black top to show off his beefy arms, a black glittery kilt (with the cape initially wrapped round his waste like a sarong), knee length black socks (nice!!) and shoes with cuban heels. The intro to Take Me Out by fellow Scots Franz Ferdinand begins - oh we're really flying the flag here. He does some cape waving (that suggests “laundry day!” more than anything else) and then stomps around fiercely while Ola gyrates frantically.

He appears to be wearing matching sparkly-trimmed pants under the kilt, which must chafe somewhat, and the dance ends with him standing over Ola while she lies flat on her back going “My eyes! My eyes!!” Bruno is in hysterics when it is over, as are many of the viewers, I would think. He gets slightly better marks than last time but still comes bottom.

At this point, Ceej was screaming: "FIREWORKS! NOW!", so the Sladeys set off for Blackheath to watch fireworks and drink mulled wine at £3 a (very very small) glass.

KATE: Kate chats about Gabbygate and how she wants to prove that she really does deserve to be in the competition. There are scenes of Anton being stern in rehearsal. She is doing the foxtrot in a blue and pink dress that I quite like. OMG, what is this??? She actually seems to know what she’s doing! She doesn’t look like every move is coming as a surprise to her! Anton doesn’t have to keep catching her and holding her up! She is actually not bad! All the judges say how much she improved and that she actually looked like a dancer for the first time! Hurrah! She gets some good marks, including the odd 7!

MATT: Matt, Flavia and her awesome abs are doing a Paso. Matt is wearing a sparkly black jumper and trousers, so he looks a bit like a jewel thief or 1960s spy or something. They dance to Smooth Criminal, which isn’t a very good choice, IMO, and it is all a bit modern and non bullfightery. Matt looks like a proper dancer though and the tight black clothes suit him. I’m not sure if he falls over once when he is kneeling down or if that was supposed to happen. Craig likes the innovative choreography but Len doesn’t. Arlene makes a lame “Matt-ador” joke that Matt himself made in the rehearsal tapes. They all say it is the best of the generally poor Pasos and he gets good marks - mainly 8s.

PENNY: Penny says she wants to prove that she was worth keeping after the dance off last week. Her cute toddler comes to watch her rehearse. She is dancing the foxtrot in a turquoise frock and is pretty good at these types of dances for such a big lass (see her quickstep in the first week).

The judges all love it and she gets 3 9s and an 8.

I miss the results show completely but John and Dom are in the bottom two and John stays, as he has, ahem, natural rhythm and actually appears to be able to dance along to the music. Also they all want to see him salsa next week. Me too!

I saw the results show and watched Len almost say "natural rythmn" but stop himself. The Dancers demonstrate the Viennese Waltz - the super hard one where you spin around a lot in huge puffy skirts. Then the Birmingham Ballet came on to show us all that proper dancers can screw up ballroom just as easily as the average punter - only they do it in flat shoes and throw up more often.

This week's featured musical number is McFly - who I used to think were OK for one song. McFly do one of their old Children in Need tunes, and attempt a single stadium-style "Whoo!", which falls flatter than a very flat thing being run over by a heavy roller.

Mark's current favourites are Alesha, jointly followed by Penny and Matt. he has gone right off Kelly, is bored by Gethin and is warming to Letitia…

Sarah's current favourites are Alesha, followed by Penny and Letitia. I'm still annoyed that there is no decent totty of the Ramps vintage on offer.

STRICTLY COME DANCING: LOGAN VS LO-GONE

This week Brucie is even more incoherent than usual and there is plenty of controversy and rows. Hurrah! The dances are the samba, which seems to involve walking and pointing a lot and the American Smooth, which involves pretending to be Fred and Ginger a lot.

BOOBWATCH: Tess wears a nondescript red number for the first show and then a bizarre metallic outfit for the results show that makes her look like a sexy dalek/fembot type thing. Her hair doesn’t really suit her up, either.

ALESHA: Alesha starts us off with an American Smooth, wearing a red dress and with her hair up. I think this is the first time she has done ballroom and she is not bad. She looks elegant and dancerly and can’t stop smiling. The judges criticise her for some technical errors but she still gets pretty good marks.

GETHIN: Gethin is doing the samba and Camilla takes him to a samba club during the week so he can loosen up and get his hips going. I am finding Gethin a bit boring, even if he is quite fit. His routine is OK. Everyone says it is one of his best dances yet but he still needs to loosen up and get sexay.

KATE: Kate does the samba to Dancing Queen, which is not a great song (a) for that dance or (b) for the terrible screechy singers to attempt. She has a couple of OK moments but does seem to spend a lot of time being propped up by Anton (and his hairy chest – rowr!) and being dragged around the floor. She has a laugh about the whole thing at least, and is a lot less sour than Fiona Phillips was last year. I am quite warming to her. She gets predictably terrible marks (and is likened to a rag doll), but is delighted to get a 6 from Len.

KELLY: Kelly is doing the AS and wibbles on about how this dance fulfils all her princess/movie star fantasies. Her hair is all piled up on the front of her head, which looks rather odd and makes her jaw look massive. She is wearing a black shiny dress that appears to be made of vinyl. Hmmm. Her dance is very good but f***face Brendan incorporated 3 lifts into the routine which is a Dance Crime, apparently. They get 8s off everyone (losing a mark for the extra lift, plus Cabby Len calls Brendan a “donut”!) apart from Bruno who gives them 10. WTF? Billy Zane looks troubled.

DOMINIC: Dominic is doing the AS too. In rehearsal he falls over and hurts his shoulder. Good. But he recovers in time for Saturday. Bad. The dance is so so. Lilia, is it really necessary to incorporate some arse-grabbing action into every routine? Dominic is annoying enough without you encouraging him through the medium of choreography. The judges have a few criticisms about his posture, habit of staring at Lilia’s arse etc etc and he gets average marks.

SHAZZA: Shazza is also doing the AS and whinges on about her insecurities etc. She wears a weird grey/purpley dress that has a severe bodice, but the long skirt with slits is quite good as it shows off her legs without making her look like an apple on stilts. She is not bad and Bruno compliments her being for being classy with a touch of camp. She gets a bunch of 8s

MATT: Matt is doing the AS and wears a tuxedo that makes it look like he has no neck. He also has his hair in a Walter The Softy side parting, which pleases his mum no end. Flavia is wearing a bizarre primrose yellow floaty trouser suit thing like something Alexis Carrington Colby would wear to convalesce from a bout of flu. Their dance is very good (but he still has the “grim determination” thing going on at times) and the judges all go ape. Arlene wheels out a laboured pun re “Matt-inee idol”. He gets 4 9’s – the highest score of the night! Matt is the only bloke who has a chance to go far vs the likes of Kelly and Alesha.

GABBY: Gabby is doing the samba and wears a weird grey dress with lots of feathers sticking out of the back. She looks OK to me but loses timing a couple of time and apparently her voltas are bad. I don’t know what that means though. Isn't it a Russian river? She gets 7s and 8s.

KENNY: Kenny is doing the samba and gets a huge cheer just for striking a dramatic pose before the dance starts. He is predictably terrible. Most of the time he just walks around the floor while uber-minx Ola shimmys around in front of him. He does some painful looking hip waggles and messes up a knee slide for the grand finale. The judges are pitiless – Craig is repulsed by the hip thrusts and Bruno says he looks like a vacuum cleaner. Len still gives him a six though. Eh?

JOHN: John wheels out several of his apparently limitless supply of cute kids this week. He is doing the AS but apparently messes up and loses his performance briefly. I don’t remember much about the dance and the judges say it was boring apart from the final lift bit. Perhaps Nicole is just a rubbish choreographer? I know you can't judge a person by their hair, but Nicole's was a bit Hallowe'en tastic this week. John is not looking like such a contender now that the shock “OMG, he isn’t rubbish!” factor has worn off.

PENNY: Giantess Penny sambas to “These Boots are made for walking” in a gold mini dress and go-go boots. Much of the dance involves her strutting round looking foxy but there is a fast bit in the middle where they break into a sort of go-go dancing Tina Turner type bit, that I really like. Arlene thinks that it isn’t old school samba enough, but all the other judges enjoy it and she gets decent marks.

THE RESULTS SHOW: Professional dancers demonstrate the dances for next week: The Pasa Doble (aka retarded bullfighting dance that really ups the camp factor/LOL’s in the choreography) – I spend the demo smirking at the GRRR! faces that all the dancers pull as they attack their moves to Seven Nation Army by the White Stripes. Jack White must have been pressured by his English inlaws to let the BBC use it ("There'll be no eccles cake and Marmite food parcels for thee me lad...not unless you let the lovely Anton twirl his cape and make grr faces to one of yer 'its...")

The ballroom dance is the foxtrot, which has no USP that I can notice. Well, it's got swishy trotty bits...

There is some business re Three-Lift-gate, with Arlene and her bitchface and Len really pissed off that Bruno gave Kelly and F***face a 10, even though he cheated. We then get Wet Wet Wet performing a dreary song from the 80s that I find myself singing along to as I do the washing up. The shame! Marti Pellow looks really rough these days.

The results come round and – gasp – all the no hopers and B-listers get through – Kate! Kenny! Dominic! Shazza! Barnesy! The bottom two are Gabby and Penny and everyone is shocked and appalled. I hope Penny doesn’t lose as I really like her now, but Gabby doesn’t deserve to go home either.

They dance off and the judges all talk about how angry they are at having to chose between two good dancers. Craig saves Gabby but all the rest got for Penny. Phew. Gabby is obviously shocked but doesn’t cry and is quite classy about the whole thing. Penny also has the good grace not to look too pleased about being saved. The only good thing about it is that Gabby’s cockfarmer partner will be raging. He picks her and waves her around over his head for a bit in the last dance and that’s it for Gabby!

There’s lots of OMG-ery on various message boards but watching rubbish dancers each week is part of the fun of the show for many people – after all, Spencer off EE and Julian Clary did very well in their series and Fiona Phillips was round for 4 weeks or so, and she makes Kate look like Margot Fonteyn. It Takes Two showed Craig Upper Norwood saying that the Great British Public are FOOLS to make them choose between Gabby and Penny; and Len was practically in tears on the phone from LA, saying that it was the worst thing he has done in forty years of judging. Eh?

Someone, somewhere seems to have forgotten the point. Get over it, dance snobs!!

CLASSIX FACTOR
Older readers may remember the BBC Young Musician of the Year competition being televised on Sunday evenings, inbetween the teatime Dickens adaptation and the obligatory David Attenborough wildlife programme. I certainly do. Every performer (particularly guitarists, clarinettists and pianists) prompted a poke from the nearest available parent, accompanied by a hissed: "See? that's what happens when you PRACTISE!" That was my cue to remember a vital unfinished piece of Physics homework (failed that O-level too).

Young Musician of the Year has been moved to BBC Four, to sit on the Super Spod shelf next to QI. But somebody at BBC2, probably thinking that there aren't enough white middle-class people making utter fools of themselves on TV, came up with the bright idea of an X-factor for classical musicians.

So here's the deal. We get Famous Cellist Matthew Barley who is a kind of Simon Rattle Lite - all curly hair and enthusiastic jeans. Matthew decides to widen the audience for classical music by creating a special school for talented young musicians to compete with each other to be the next classical star. Like..you know...Nigel Kennedy. But not G4, oh no.

Matthew gets his classical expert friends to be the judges and holds auditions around the country, just like on X-factor. However, having a dead dad or acting like a ment doesn't get you far if you can't play an instrument to at least Grade 8 standard. Having said that, we get a few choice specimens who don't make it. Notably a boy with a haystack on his head and a weird embouchure (music speak for not puffing your cheeks out when you play a wind instrument - in this case, a clarinet). Haystacks puffed like a bullfrog in mating season, which is Not Good and leads to a crappy sound. He seemed blissfully unaware of this, and staunchly defended his crap sound, backed up by his formidable mother. Oh yes, there are plenty of formidable parents around in this series. Another generically handsome posh boy flautist declared that he wanted to be a classical equivalent of Robbie Williams. I think Tchaikovsky got there before you, mate.

You can take it as read that all our contestants are a bit...well...intense. And most of them seem to already have places at the Royal College of Music. Which is nice.

After they settle in to the country house music school (it's never a warehouse in Peckham, is it?), Matthew gets them to improvise. Improvising is not something classical musicians do; this alone probably set jazz musos up and down the country a-cackling gleefully They have to come up with a few bars that epitomises their personality. Going by this, the bassoon player thinks she's Ivor the Engine. Most of them muddle through, and try to get away with playing as few notes as possible. More bizarre, performance-related tests follow, and the poor little scraps are mortified in shopping centres, pushed around by tango teachers, and end up doing a make-or-break performance in front of a group of very patient teenagers in Hoxton.

When not being forced into strange producer-led exercises to 'expand their horizons', they practise. They get up in the morning, and do some scales. Then maybe a lesson. Then more practice. Then lunch, where they talk about music and try to ignore Matthew speaking with his mouth full. And in the afternoon, they practise some more before being forced into the garden by the producers to do non-practising-type shots. Yep, that's right. Musicians are a bit boring - well the proper ones anyway. They play the same thing over and over again for seven hours a day. Then they talk about flattened fifths. And then they go to bed. Trust me, I know. I married a musician.

The Big Performance at the end of each week is where they perform a piece or do something for the judges. This week they each had 15 minutes in front of the incredibly patient East End teenagers. Nerdy guitar boy (the house favourite) demonstrated the versatility of the guitar sound rather well, though he should stay away from funk. The Winehouse-esque pianist made emo hearts go all a-flutter with Chopin's Funeral March (OK, it's really called the third movement of Piano Sonata no. 2 in B-flat minor).

The judges accuse the pretty blonde violinist from Suffolk, who works in a bar and runs jam sessions with bejumpered folkies to make ends meet, of using sex to win over the kidz. Ummm...flicking your hair while you play isn't exactly on a par with Beyonce, but this is Classical World, where talent is everything. Unless your name is Myleene.

In the end, the judgest decide to sack Robbie Williams Boy for being a smug, irritating little twerp, and a taciturn teenage trumpet player who crumples into a quivering heap at the very thought of a three word sentence. Not great for swapping anecdotes on a sofa with Sam and Mark...

Next week: Matthew waves his arms about and wears jeans which don't have the creases ironed in. And the youngsters do a bit more practice.

NEW COMEDY

Flight of the Conchords is an HBO comedy show about two hapless New Zealand musicians trying to make it in New York. One of them (Bret aka Brit) looks like a cute version of Peter Sutcliffe and the other one (Jermain) looks like a cute version of Marcus Brigstock. Every week, there is 30 minutes of dead pan, rather repetitive comedy, where Brit and Jermain fall out over something and then they make up at the end. Last week saw the boys falling out over a girl they both liked, and competing to make her the most impressive birthday present – Jermain hand wrought her a butterfly out of glass and Brit produced an amazingly creepy painting of the girl as a bikini clad barbarian queen posing with a wolf with Brit’s face. It isn’t usually that funny though, so hopefully that was a sign that the show will broaden its wings slightly.

The main reason to watch the show is for the musical interludes. In one week, Brit and Jermain tried to fend off some muggers by taking on their rap identities (Rhyme-nocerous and Hiphop-opatumus) and rapping at them.



Later on they walk through the mean streets of NYC singing a motown style protest song that cracked me up (Sample lyrics: “Kids on the street being stabbed by knives and forks, and being called names like dork”).



I also liked Jermain’s Barry White style “It’s business time”, where he sings about treating his girl to two minutes of lovin’, in his socks. (“And then you say something sexy like “Is that it???””).



You can find all the songs on youtube (check out the David Bowie one or the Pet Shop Boys one) and I still sort of think that I am better off just doing that and not watching the program, but there are worse ways to spend a Tuesday evening, I suppose.

Snippets of TV genius

No. 1 in a random series of classic TV quotes

From Oz and James's US Wine Adventure. Oz and James are paying homage at the memorial to James Dean, erected by an eccentric Japanese fan at the very tree that Dean crashed into in 1955.

Oz: He was a rebel without a cause, James.
James: He was a rebel without an airbag...

X Factor: Round one, number ones

It was the first week of X Factor proper, having got through the ment-poking audition stages, the not particularly hard boot-camp and the sessions in the judges houses. We'd already lost lovely little Dominic from the boys and the only group in the finals who auditioned as a group are the Carpenters with ADD. Dermot is our new presenter to replace Riddler Kate.

On Saturday we saw the first of the proper singing rounds. This week: number ones.

Styling notes: Kimberluh looked like a sofa had swallowed Kelly Osbourne on her way to a fancy dress party as Gwen Stefani. Niki's DEAD DAD had left her a hairdresser's card and a scribbled post-it note telling her that the perm was a really bad idea in his papers, which she only found after the bootcamp weeks. Emily's stylist had clearly stuck Annabella Lwin's head on Avril Lavigne's body and decided that was a good look for a wholesome looking teenager with puppy fat. A devoted assistant was pulling out Andy's pubes with tweezers, one by one, to maintain the right level of slighltly pained brink of tears that the girlies loves. Beverley was wearing Captain Caveman on her head but had clearly lost weight since the auditions and was looking good otherwise. Rhydian looks like he's made of plastic. A 50p faced plastic Adam Rickett doll in fancy dress as the Judderman. Why does Rhydian look so bloody weird? In Hope, Leah is a foot taller than the rest and they cannot hide it, Raquelle appears to have borrowed her top from Borat. Overall, only Hope and Alisha look like pop stars should. Judges styling: Danni's face can barely move, Sharon's hair shade - crimson.

Performance notes: Same Difference have turned up on the wrong programme as clearly "tonight, Matthew, we are going to be H and Claire after Steps split up". Leon appears to be performing in a dance sequence from Absolute Beginners. Kimberluh will come into her own in about 30 years time, when it's OK to be a larger glamour girl in true Helen Lawson style - on someone barely out of her teens it's just painful. Will Hope ever sing anything other than Umberella-ella-ella-ella? Can any member of Hope other than Leah and Phoebe actually sing in tune? Rhydian keeps getting the words to "I would do anything for love wrong". Would, Rhydian, not Will. Andy is like a singing puppy - the Andyrex puppy. Judges performance: Sharon does an impressive turn as lascivious drunken auntie at the end of a wedding, Louis does bizarre turn as voice of reason.

Results: After an extended delay caused by the Rugby, we find that Alisha and Kimberluh are the bottom two. Sharon refuses to vote as her quite frankly bizarre music taste has put them in this position. Danni votes to send the black girl home. Louis and Simon see sense. Kimberluh is going back to pulling pints.

Next week: Songs from the movies, with special guest Celine Dion. I think I will need a drink.

Have we had an X Factor Drinking Game yet?

Next week's X Factor Drinking Game

1 finger beer/gulp wine/swig of spirits for each mention of the following.

"My/our journey"
Niki's DEAD DAD is DEAD and wanted her to enter the competition.
Emily nearly died
Daniel's child
Rhydian's arrogance/bad reputation
Westlife
"The girls will love you"
Beverley's class

2 fingers/gulps etc for the following events

Same Difference sing a song which is inappropriate for a brother and sister
Sharon brings one of the family on (dogs included).
Hope find some way to disguise Leah's height.
Louis rants about Same Difference being in the competition.
Danni votes against a black contestant in the bottom two.

Down your drink

Sharon and Celine have the same hairdo.
A judge walks off or refuses to vote at the end.