STRICTLY COME DANCING: IT'S THE SEMIS

It’s semi final time! After last week’s shock horror of Matt getting a free pass despite being RUBBISH and Alesha having to dance-off despite being as wonderful as ever, anything could happen this week! (they’ve been saying that every week though…). I thought they were going to do three dances each, but instead they just do an Argentine tango and one other.

BOOBWATCH:
Tess must have given a really crap xmas card to the costume department as they let her have it with both barrels this week. The first dress is either black or v dark brown at the back, but with a weird bronze metallic apron/bodice/breastplate combo at the front. It makes no sense at all but for the results show it is even worse! A purple shiny dairy milk wrapper type affair, with weird sticky out boob brackets and a tulip skirt with a huge bow that looks like MC Hammers' unfinished pants. This is accessorised with a huge flat gold pendant thing that looks like one of those stands for hot pans. Very very poor.

There is lots of filler about everyone’s journeys and everyone fawning over their dance partners. Zzzz.

ALESHA:
Alesha seems a bit down after last week’s shock horror etc but is obviously determined to soldier on. Her other dance is a quickstep! Yay! They dance to the Amy Winehouse up tempo version of Valerie by the Zutons - both of which are a bit meh, but here it works quite well. She wears a white dress with glittery purple trim and it is a delight to watch as she prances around with Matt and grins adorably. She gets 2 9s and 2 10s, hurrah!

For her Argentine Tango, she wears a shorter ruffly red dress. The choreography is quite low key, with Alesha sidling up to Matthew in a vaguely seductive stylee. There is a good bit at the end where she hops into the air, wraps her legs sideways round Matthew and they twizzle around a bit. The same marks again put her on top of the leader board! Double hurrah!

MATT:
Matt is determined not to choke again this week. I spend the whole show willing him to choke, because I am evil and I want Gethin to be in the final. He does his Argentango first and it is OK but not as good as I would have expected. Matt shuffles around hesitantly and tries to look louche while Flavia wiggles her legs and slinks around. At the end she sort of does a super leg wiggle and turns upside down! Yikes! The judges all patronise Matt about being so bwave and special and not running away crying after last week (I think that dance-numpties like Kate and Kenny were braver, as they know they have no hope of being any good and at least Matt is theoretically good.) Anyway, he gets 8s and 9s and is relieved to have not messed up.

For his second dance he does a waltz. I think it is good but not special. Matt looks rather shuffly again and there is a part where Flavia kneels down and flourishes her dance hankies in a way that reminds me totally of a move that Phoebe-from-Friends would do. There is a good spinny round bit, I suppose. At the end Cabbie Len makes me throw up in my mouth a bit when he stands up and gives Matt a standing ovation for the first time in SCD history. Oh come off it, it wasn’t even the best dance of the series, let alone the best EVAH!!! He gets 4 10s for it? What? Why? Craig has really let me down – I expect that sort of nonsense from Bruno and Len... Grrrr. He is still only second in the leader board though. Phew.

Brucie seems to be indulging in a bit of saucy banter with Craig. Asking him to "finish them off" and all that. The audience behind Craig is snickering.


GETHIN:
Gethin’s non-tango is the Paso doble. Ohs noes – trust him to have two difficult and weird dances when he really needs to get good points. He wears a partially open, glittery black shirt and Camilla wears something weird and whorish. They dance to The Gossip and start off with Camilla draped in a sort of table cloth thing, which Gethin then flaps around in a bullfighterly stylee. Hmmm, it is not great but not bad either. There is lots of weird camera work and at one point Gethin hurls Camilla roughly to the floor and she lands practically ON a camera (we later learn that Camilla f***ed her shoulder doing this move. Ouch). By the end of the dance, Gethin’s shirt is almost totally open. Rrowwr! The judges are non plussed and he gets mainly 8s.

For the tango, they dance to one of the newer Bond themes and Camilla wears a different whorish dress, this time with some sort of pink floral lurgy spreading over one shoulder and her décolletage. It is quite moody and atmospheric and a lot better than the last one but still a bit meh. He gets good marks for this one but is still bottom of the leader board at the end of the show.

I've noticed that the male slebs like to do "Grr" faces when they want to show that they're really getting into the dance, no honest. Occasionally Matt does a "rrroaow", but mostly its a "rarrrh" face. Gethin, now that he' has discovered his inner BEAST, likes to go "RAAARH" at odd moments.

RESULTS SHOW!!
We voted for Alesha for the first time, as we promised we would when we met the other week (name dropping? Moi?). Lots of recap and filler, blah blah and then a group jive, which I miss as I am pottering round in the kitchen. This is probably just as well, as many small children come out and start dancing.

More filler and then an exhibition dance by a tiny blonde woman in a leotard and a burly, shirtless, heavily waxed and bronzed he-lunk. They start off like a rumba and then the man picks up the woman and starts flipping her round and spinning her round over his head. It is impressive, but all a bit Cirque du Soleil as my boyfriend points out. I think it's all a bit Bromley. Tess asks the final three if they are looking forward to doing that next week and Alesha says yes, if it means she can dance with the shirtless lunk. Heh.

Finally James sodding Blunt comes out and mewls tunelessly while Ola and Lilia(?) prance around with their menfolk whilst wearing hideous black net body stockings. Great.

Results time!!! Oh, I’m nervous! Alesha gets the automatic place – yay! She seems overcome by emotion and turns to be hugged by Matthew as her spotlight goes out. I think her fanbase were shocked into reaching for the phone after last week. Matt and Gethin dance off and then it's down to the judges. Craig picks Matt, Arlene picks Gethin, Bruno picks Matt so it is all down to Len – hmm, I wonder who he is going to pick, given that he has been patronising Matt and making excuses for him for the last two weeks. Oh what a surprise, it’s Matt. Gethin takes it like a good sport and says he is pleased he has some good moves for the dance floor now. He does his American smooth lift on Camilla as their last dance starts.

Can I just say that I think that was a terrible decision by the judges. Matt has been more consistent over the whole series, but even on his good dances (jive, quickstep etc) he was prone to making mistakes and lhe still looks terrified or wan half the time while he’s dancing. Also, there is a good chance he’ll flake out again and the final will be less fun as a result. Since Gethin clicked, he has been a much more confident and consistent and has been much more fun to watch.

SARAH: I disagree. I think Matt has had a dip in form recently, but his mistakes are down to nerves, not bad technique and he has consistently shown himself to be a sensitive, natural dancer who really feels the music. And his arms are better. And I don't fancy either of them.

Oh well, ALESHA TO WIN!!!!