STRICTLY COME DANCING: SHOW 9 OR IS IT 10?

After last week’s excitement, I am back watching it on telly like a prole normal person. Thankfully, we did not appear on “It Takes Two” during the week (Booo! - Sarah), but our comedy shenanigans did end up on the BBC website.

Sadly, Kelly has had to drop out of the competition, as her father died during the week. Poor Kelly, she obviously loved dancing on the show and I will miss her. Brendan; not so much. Bruce and Tess say nice things about her at various points on the show.

BOOBWATCH: Tess is wearing an asymmetric number in a rather hard blue. I do not love the colour on her. The cut is OK, but I’m not sure about the gold belt. It looks as if you could take it off and use it as a Xena-esque Frisbee of Death type thing.

SARAH: I'm not sure about the asymmetric dress. It looks like it was made in a hurry and the seamstress forgot one of the sleeves, a bit like they do on Project Runway, and then try to explain it as a forward looking design decision.

This week everyone is doing two dances each. Gasp!!

MATT:
Matt is first in each round and is doing a tango for his ballroom. He has his hair slicked back and is wearing a comedy cravat. They do it to that Gwen Stefani “tick tock tick tock” song (which I do like), but the screechy singers change the words when it comes to the “Take a chance, you stupid ho” bit. Wimps. The dance is a bit meh. I’m not sure why. I think I expected more of Flavia’s choreography, as she is supposed to be a tango expert. Craig complains that they stop doing weird tick tock arm movements and then go into a bland tango. Matt gets OK-but-not-great-for-week-9 scores of 7s and 8s.

BTW, I am sick of everyone hinting that Matt and Flavia have a secret luuurve connection. It’s not Big Brother and I don’t care! Tess Daly is particularly embarrassing, like your auntie who asks if you're courtin' at family Christmas parties, and then proceeds to try and cop you off with anybody male, single and in possession of their own teeth.

For his latin he does a rumba in an open white shirt. I (still) hate the rumba but he is OK I suppose. I notice that his pointy arm movements are good and the judges agree with me. Flavia is very bendy. He gets better marks than for the tango and is left firmly in the middle of the table.

LETITIA:
More scenes of Letitia crying and gurning all through the weekly rehearsals. Get a grip, woman! She whinges that she is the oldest in the competition and has to learn two energetic dances in the same week. Oh boo hoo. On the actual night of the show however, she is struggling with gastric flu and has to keep running off camera to throw up. OK, I feel a bit sorry for her now. Darren makes it even worse by yelling: "She's spent the last fifteen minutes vomiting, for God's sake! Have you no heart?" at anybody who dares to criticise her. Tess is v. concerned and clucky, bit like that auntie...etc.

Her ballroom dance is the quickstep. She wears a flowing dress of royal purple silk that makes her look like a giant bar of Cadburys dairy milk. The dance is OK – it is not really light and sprightly enough and the choreography is not the most demanding – resembling an overdressed game of hopscotch in parts. She gets Ok-ish marks.

For latin, she does the cha cha cha in an unflattering black corset with pearly highlights and a feather skirt. The dance is not great and the gap in talent between Letitia and the top 3 is pretty evident now. Her scores put her second to bottom

KENNY:
He Lunk Kenny starts out doing a foxtrot. Ola appears to have a number of stoats attached to her arm??? It is, well, it’s not great but it’s not terrible either. I think this is the first week that he actually looks vaguely like a dancer. There's still too much pratting about and walking Ola around the floor though.

For his latin he does a rumba (sigh). He doesn’t do any hip-gyrating, but again, looks vaguely dancerly and manages a suitable mills and boonish performance of lurve. The judges don’t really like it though and Arlene makes a terrible pun re “pole dancing” (Ola being Polish) that she should be ashamed of. Ola barely restrains herself from leaping over the desk and lamping Arlene, but you can see that Arlene will pay...oh yes...

His overall marks put him bottom.

GETHIN:
This week, Camilla ropes in an acting coach to try and overcome Gethin’s stage fright and unleash the real Gethin. Acting Coach arrives and Gethin asks: "Are you an acting coach". The Acting Coach declaims: "YES! I am...an ACTING coach."

There is cute footage of “the real Gethin” bouncing round the rehearsal studio like Tigger. For his ballroom, he is doing a waltz. He has been pretty good at this kind of thing in the past and does an excellent job, getting a 9 and 3 10s.

For his latin, he is doing a salsa in an unfortunate see through blouse (which he later jokes about) OMG, what a transformation! He is super confident and puts in a great performance, charging round the floor whilst gyrating like a maniac. It is great fun to watch and he seems to be really enjoying it. For the first time ever, he leaves Matt in the dust. He gets an 8 from Craig and 9’s from the others. Come on, that definitely deserved a ten! His overall marks leave him joint top with Alesha.

ALESHA:
My pal Alesha gets all tired and emotional this week. Don’t cry, Alesha! She is doing the tango (yay!) and the samba (boo!). For her tango she wears a rather nasty yellow and red dress and has a huge red fake flower glued to her head. I am not loving the costumes this week, I must say. Her tango is very good and there is an awesome bit where Matt grabs her and drags her backwards for five yards or so. The judges like it and make a few teeny tiny technical points, as she is not as perfect as they want her to be. 9’s and 10s! Hurrah!

For her samba she wears another white dress and they dance to the 4 tops, “I’ll be there”. The band must be trying out a new arranger, because the music is dreadfully clunky, and the brass section appears be be playing another tune entirely.

The “dun duh dun duh dun duh dun” bits are quite good for booty shaking, but this dance leaves me a bit cold – I think it is her worst to date. The judges say that if she had started dancing as a child, she could be pro level by now, and criticise her knees a bit. She gets 8s and 9s to put her equal to Gethin.

SARAH: The problem with the Results Show is that it frequently brings back memories of cheesy 70s Light Ent programmes, and not in a good way, so I find my attention wandering to the washing machine...

This results show has Kylie (gasp!) performing her new single dressed as one of those frilly toilet roll covers that my nan used to make. I'm sure somebody liked the performance, but I thought she was miming, and the single channelled last year's cheesy electro. The best thing about it was when the male pro dancers came on and started doing Young Generation-style arm waving and gyrating. Brendan does lots of strutting to get Kylie's attention, but she ignores him.

There were the usual dances from the professionals, and Flavia's tango was pretty exciting. The judges line the dancers up and take pot-shots at them. Then we discover that Kenny and Letitia are in the dance-off. Poor old Letitia practically needs a bucket onstage, but she soldiers on through the purple armwavy dance, and everybody knows that Kenny's for the chop anyway. The judges don't even bother making any excuses about "judging the dancer on the night's performance", and choose Letitia.

Surely it will be Letitia to go next week and Matt and Gethin battling to lose to Alesha in the final. I am hoping it’s Alesha vs Gethin, after this week’s performance.

SARAH: I still have hopes for Matt, whose puppyish intensity is beginning to make me feel all motherly. But definitely Aleesha 2 win!!