STRICTLY COME DANCING: IT TAKES TWO (TRIES)
We've been very bad and missed covering Bad Love Island Boy's "outburst", which only served to create more controversy that really put the disintegration of Iraqi society in a bloody civil war brought on partly by British and American intervention into perspective, I can tell you.

Brendan is convinced that the judges hate him. He's right. Arlene looks like she'd rather chew a million wasps than spend another minute in the same room as him. Over the past few weeks, Bad Girl Lady has been comparing Brendan with a recalcitrant labrador puppy, and Brendan's just ANGRY! To be honest, they've been a bit crap. The dances involve lots of posing and pacing about, with pointing and "foxy" looks from a barely-clad Bad Girl Lady.

Davetta's been secretly voting for Spice, or so her slimy partner says. I think it's all a stunt. Davetta has been doing quite well: she did a pretty good salsa, and her foxtrot was competent, but the spark seems to have gone.

I'd like to know what Carol Smillie has against birds. Nearly every outfit has featured feathers of some description, sticking out of her head, hemmed into her dress...again, another very Aston Villa performance over the past fortnight. Actually given the state of Aston Villa, I'd say a very Christian Gross-era Tottenham performance. Cute kids though.

Casualty Blonde finally got the chop. Her partner tried not to look pleased. Last week Jan Ravens pulled out all the stops: Viennese waltz with mega ruffles, winsome children in the front row, begging their mother not to fail. It didn't work. Poor old Anton had to drag her around the dance floor, and her hair made her look old. She made a tearful exit, and the papers featured a cross Mr Ravens. I don't know why he was cross, just that he was.

Baby Spice: It's a wig, I tells yer! She's damn good.

Mark Ramprakash. In the words of my Auntie Val: "Phwoarrrr..." The Pasa Doble was a bit of a comedy routine with capes being waved all over the place. Then they had to start the Salsa again because his microphone got caught up in his partner's sequins halfway through. Why he couldn't play cricket like this when the Aussies were tonking us big style, I'll never know. Actually he was rather good. Very good in fact. Just not as good as he is at dancing. To be honest, if we decided to play the Strictly Come Dancing Ashes, we'd probably still get trashed by some last minute bravura cape waving by Glenn McGrath. Not that we'll get trashed this year, oh no...[that's enough cricket talk - Ed].

Can't remember any of the others. They all did OK - enough to get through anyway.

Next week: back to proper updates, with special guest reviewers Mr P and Baby Ceej!