MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL UPDATE

The four worst models (English Rose, Brown Hair Helmut Boy, Swedish Blonde, Muscular Baldy) are put on warning and have to do extra humiliating tasks to prove their modelocity – in one bit they have to stand on boxes outside the Tate Modern and basically strip whilst passers-by throw monopoly money at them. Yikes. Muscular Baldy sensibly gets his 6-pack out at the earliest opportunity and Swedish Blonde surprises the judges by not whining. English Rose and Lego Hair get the boot. Buh bye models, we hardly knew you.

The boys are allowed to do face painting and play dressing up while the girls go on a shoot. I thought that those were activities to amuse 5 yr old children but never mind. The judges say that Hot Albert has an artistic streak. I hope this is secret code for GAY.

The girls go to Billingsgate Fish Market where a photographer called Lars tries to make them cry by making them pose on mounds of ice/dead fish etc. He has a regulation gay baldy potato face assistant. You just know they are making misogynistic comments re “fish” as soon as they are off camera. Dicks. Anyway, the girls take it like troopers, even the Swedish Blonde who is a vegan. Eritriean Girl is dressed up as a xmas tree decoration and has to lie on a pile of ice. Shelley Duval has to stab fishes with knives, which she does with disturbing relish.

Then they all have to do a task where they pretend to advertise products and have to talk about pro-v pentapeptides etc on camera. They are nearly all rubbish and Rachael Hunter tells them that if they are being paid £2million for a commercial they have to act like they mean it. Yeah right, as if Rachael “I am only famous for letting Rod Stewart bone me and now I am on Channel 5” Hunter ever earned that much.

Back at the Model Cave, there are signs of tension. Hott Albert and James Who Is Gay are sick of Wazzock and Wiry Baldy’s juvenile behaviour. James Who Is Gay still thinks his gayness puts him on another level to the straight boys - a lower level, the way he is carrying on. Eritrean girl hates Muscular Baldy (who admittedly is a dick, but he's still fit) and everyone is sick of Shelly Duval whining and crying all the time (a bit like the real Shelly Duval then…).

Next time: Northern Blonde tells Shelly Duval off for “shhhh-ing” her in a disrespectful fashion. Fight! Fight! Also I will go out on a limb and predict that there will be a scene where all the boys have to strip down to their pants.