DORKWOOD

So I finally got round to watching the so called adult so called sexy spin off of Doctor Who and it was alriiighhht but not great. First of all we have the many resemblances to Buffy, where it turns out that there is a Hellmouth Dimensional Rift under Sunnydale Cardiff, which allows Demons aliens to roam free round Wales. Captain Jack (devoid of camp sauciness in the episode I saw) and his gang of minionators (girl with severe fringe, japanese girl, clerky bloke from Bleak House, other bloke) have to put an end to such shenanigans, while all wanting to shag each other. Or something.

The one I saw was kind of like the Wrexham Chainsaw Massacre, with cannibalistic nastiness going on in a Remote Welsh Village. At first we think it is scary monsters doing all the person-eatin’ but, in a non shocking twist it turns out to be the villagers. In a further non shocking twist, it turns out that the local coppers are in on it too. I guessed that was going to happen the very second that a police car appeared. Perhaps as part of their special ops training the Torchwoodeers should all be forced to watch a bunch of clichéd horror films. In the end all the minionators are captured and while the cannibals are busy not slaughtering and eating them Capt Jack rides to the rescue and shoots all the baddies in an orgy of slow mo and snappy editing. It is all surprisingly nasty for a beeb production, with some very well done slaughterhouse sets but this does not get away from the fact that nothing really bad happens to any of the main characters. The whole point of films like "The Hills Have Eyes" and "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" is that lots of the main characters die in unpleasant ways! There is a random passer by bloke who is caught up in the mayhem and even he doesn’t get killed and turned into a nummy snack for the Welsh Wrong’uns. What this programme needs is a bunch of redshirts. Stat!