MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL: THE FINAL WALK-OFF
Gosh, is this over already. Well, after many many tears, tantrums, made-up snogginess and pouting, the finalists are:

Albert
Despite only having one look, it is a very very good look and about as close to Blue Steel that a man can get. He is also well fit and quite nice.

Jen
I'm really pleased that the utterly gorgeous size 12 single mother from Wigan has beaten the skinny teens in personality, professionalism and the public vote. Mainly because the judges hate her so much, and also because her waist is only one inch smaller than mine, and my arse is wayyy smaller than that.

Luke
Boys like Luke are ten a penny in Croydon. But he's lovely, and he seems to enjoy the attention; even if he is a bit half-arsed about this so-called romance with Marianne.

Marianne
The vegan Danish girl cried when they cut her white blond locks into a very fetching pixie cut. Then spent the last week moaning about how Jen got the sympathy vote because she's "big" and Marianne has to justify being thin. No Marianne, Jen got the vote because she's a nice girl with a pretty face, and not a moaning little madam. Follows Luke around like a lost puppy.

The walk-offs have been hosted all series by Fearne Cotton - the embodiment of all that is wrong with Young People Today.

So, there's a catwalk. The models sashay down the catwalk in clothes of varying ridiculousness, and the friendsandrelations whoop like loons . At the end of the catwalk, the judges: Former Top Model Rachel Hunter; Some escapee from a Kylie video called Perou; Dylan Whatsisname from GQ; and a lady from Select Models.

In former weeks, we've had themes like "Marie Antoinette" (girdles, big wigs, cake); "Country(tweed and more tweed, saucy activities with rocking horses); "Goth" (black clothes, black wigs...accessorised with kids made up like Wednesday Addams..).

This week it's about "Hollywood Glamour". So the girls wear posh frocks: Marianne does that back-bent dragging head behind hips walk in a floor-length see-through thing and Nicole Kidman hair; Jen is in slimming sparkly black. The boys have forgotten their shirts again.

The judges praise Marianne's look, the glamour, the walk, the hair... and mumble something about Jen looking quite nice for a FAT LASS. Marianne is voted off. The judges look sad. Ha ha!

The next round is the swimwear round and the judges are getting desperate now. Jen is forced into three silver triangles that emphases the small boobage and round hippage, but still manages to look quite hot. The boys seem to wear hernia belts, black socks and brogues. As my nan used to say: "Is that the fashion?". Dylan abandons all pretence of politeness, and compares Jen to Diana Dors. You know, the FAT BIRD. Rachel just mumbles into the floor, and...it works. Bye bye Jen. Fearne is slightly embarrassed and keeps saying: "well at least you'll see your kid again, eh?"

The final walk off is trousers. What do male fashionistas have against shirts? Albert strolls up to the end like he really doesn't care and shoots the Blue Steel. Luke struts his funky stuff with The Magnum. Albert wins. But Select Models lady is giving both boys a contract because she can't stop hyperventilating over Luke. So what was the point again?