MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL: THE FINAL WALK-OFF
Gosh, is this over already. Well, after many many tears, tantrums, made-up snogginess and pouting, the finalists are:

Albert
Despite only having one look, it is a very very good look and about as close to Blue Steel that a man can get. He is also well fit and quite nice.

Jen
I'm really pleased that the utterly gorgeous size 12 single mother from Wigan has beaten the skinny teens in personality, professionalism and the public vote. Mainly because the judges hate her so much, and also because her waist is only one inch smaller than mine, and my arse is wayyy smaller than that.

Luke
Boys like Luke are ten a penny in Croydon. But he's lovely, and he seems to enjoy the attention; even if he is a bit half-arsed about this so-called romance with Marianne.

Marianne
The vegan Danish girl cried when they cut her white blond locks into a very fetching pixie cut. Then spent the last week moaning about how Jen got the sympathy vote because she's "big" and Marianne has to justify being thin. No Marianne, Jen got the vote because she's a nice girl with a pretty face, and not a moaning little madam. Follows Luke around like a lost puppy.

The walk-offs have been hosted all series by Fearne Cotton - the embodiment of all that is wrong with Young People Today.

So, there's a catwalk. The models sashay down the catwalk in clothes of varying ridiculousness, and the friendsandrelations whoop like loons . At the end of the catwalk, the judges: Former Top Model Rachel Hunter; Some escapee from a Kylie video called Perou; Dylan Whatsisname from GQ; and a lady from Select Models.

In former weeks, we've had themes like "Marie Antoinette" (girdles, big wigs, cake); "Country(tweed and more tweed, saucy activities with rocking horses); "Goth" (black clothes, black wigs...accessorised with kids made up like Wednesday Addams..).

This week it's about "Hollywood Glamour". So the girls wear posh frocks: Marianne does that back-bent dragging head behind hips walk in a floor-length see-through thing and Nicole Kidman hair; Jen is in slimming sparkly black. The boys have forgotten their shirts again.

The judges praise Marianne's look, the glamour, the walk, the hair... and mumble something about Jen looking quite nice for a FAT LASS. Marianne is voted off. The judges look sad. Ha ha!

The next round is the swimwear round and the judges are getting desperate now. Jen is forced into three silver triangles that emphases the small boobage and round hippage, but still manages to look quite hot. The boys seem to wear hernia belts, black socks and brogues. As my nan used to say: "Is that the fashion?". Dylan abandons all pretence of politeness, and compares Jen to Diana Dors. You know, the FAT BIRD. Rachel just mumbles into the floor, and...it works. Bye bye Jen. Fearne is slightly embarrassed and keeps saying: "well at least you'll see your kid again, eh?"

The final walk off is trousers. What do male fashionistas have against shirts? Albert strolls up to the end like he really doesn't care and shoots the Blue Steel. Luke struts his funky stuff with The Magnum. Albert wins. But Select Models lady is giving both boys a contract because she can't stop hyperventilating over Luke. So what was the point again?

MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL UPDATE

The four worst models (English Rose, Brown Hair Helmut Boy, Swedish Blonde, Muscular Baldy) are put on warning and have to do extra humiliating tasks to prove their modelocity – in one bit they have to stand on boxes outside the Tate Modern and basically strip whilst passers-by throw monopoly money at them. Yikes. Muscular Baldy sensibly gets his 6-pack out at the earliest opportunity and Swedish Blonde surprises the judges by not whining. English Rose and Lego Hair get the boot. Buh bye models, we hardly knew you.

The boys are allowed to do face painting and play dressing up while the girls go on a shoot. I thought that those were activities to amuse 5 yr old children but never mind. The judges say that Hot Albert has an artistic streak. I hope this is secret code for GAY.

The girls go to Billingsgate Fish Market where a photographer called Lars tries to make them cry by making them pose on mounds of ice/dead fish etc. He has a regulation gay baldy potato face assistant. You just know they are making misogynistic comments re “fish” as soon as they are off camera. Dicks. Anyway, the girls take it like troopers, even the Swedish Blonde who is a vegan. Eritriean Girl is dressed up as a xmas tree decoration and has to lie on a pile of ice. Shelley Duval has to stab fishes with knives, which she does with disturbing relish.

Then they all have to do a task where they pretend to advertise products and have to talk about pro-v pentapeptides etc on camera. They are nearly all rubbish and Rachael Hunter tells them that if they are being paid £2million for a commercial they have to act like they mean it. Yeah right, as if Rachael “I am only famous for letting Rod Stewart bone me and now I am on Channel 5” Hunter ever earned that much.

Back at the Model Cave, there are signs of tension. Hott Albert and James Who Is Gay are sick of Wazzock and Wiry Baldy’s juvenile behaviour. James Who Is Gay still thinks his gayness puts him on another level to the straight boys - a lower level, the way he is carrying on. Eritrean girl hates Muscular Baldy (who admittedly is a dick, but he's still fit) and everyone is sick of Shelly Duval whining and crying all the time (a bit like the real Shelly Duval then…).

Next time: Northern Blonde tells Shelly Duval off for “shhhh-ing” her in a disrespectful fashion. Fight! Fight! Also I will go out on a limb and predict that there will be a scene where all the boys have to strip down to their pants.

MAKE ME A SUPERMODEL

Out of these washing up liquid bottles and bits of sticky backed plastic. Ha ha ha ha ahem…

I have never seen Ch 5 Make me a supermodel before, (or as I like to call it “Make me look at hot teens cavorting round in their undies”) and the reason I am watching it for the first time could possibly be due to the fact that they are having boys in it for the first time ever.

Anyway, it is typical reality TV fodder – put a bunch of kids in a house together and eliminate them one at a time, all the while making them cry and do stupid things for our amusement. As they want to be models, all the stupid/cry making things revolve around wearing horrendous outfits, stripping to their undies repeatedly, being given brutal haircuts, told they have fat thighs etc etc.

The boys:

Let’s see – there are two spidey ones with shaved heads. One is wiry and one is muscly (I quite like the muscly one, but apparently he only has one facial expression so won’t get very far). There is a cocky, tanned one with a stupid haircut. He is handsome but v annoying and laddish. His name is Waz or something, which says it all really. There are two skinny twelve year old looking ones with horrendous hair helmuts who def need to eat several pies. One of the skinny ones says he is “very editorial” - I have decided that this is fashion speak for “freakish looking”-– and has giant tomb like teeth. He sits around and says things like “I am gay and they are all straight, so we’ve got nothing to talk about” in a wurzely accent. I hate him already.

My favourite one is super hunky and handsome with dark hair and very blue eyes, though he does have a rather unfortunate jesus style beard/long hair combo going on. In the first week he refused to take part in one of the photo shoots as he “did not feel like it”, making me think “well what are doing on the programme then, you stupid hippy” and later on (in a super gay locker room/underpant group photo session) was accused of not taking direction (ie not being able to change his blue steel facial expression). Still, he is fit and has not done anything dickish since then. Beardy to win!!

My vote for favourite perviest moment so far is when the boys are inspected for un-model-esque body hair and then have their shapely buttocks waxed. My god! this is practically a fetish video! Cue lots of scenes of boys groaning and biting the pillow as strangers fiddle around with their arses. Good to see Channel 5 returning to their P0rn roots at last!

The girls:

I am not as ahem motivated to write about the girls but lets see. There is a v tall black girl who is v beautiful but rather generic, if you know what I mean. There are two blonde girls – a skinny (it is a bit redundant to say skinny as they are all twiglets – just assume they all are…) Swedish one who actually looks a lot better since she had her brutal haircut and another one who is a bit common and cries a lot (I think she was the target of “fat thigh” comments though of course she has a great figure). There is a pale girl with very long dark hair in a centre parting and huge shelly duvall teeth. She does not look all that but is undeniably photogenic, “Editorial” even…. Cried when she had an inch cut off the bottom of her hair, the big baby, and also had a whngeing fit when forced to exercise and felt faint. Hmm, maybe you should actually eat something sometimes…. There is an English rosey one who is quite pretty but not all that. She has been accused of being too dithery and wet so is doomed I am sure. My favourite is an Eritrean girl who is v pretty and also v shy. I hope she becomes more confident and WINS!!

C5 are having 4 episodes a week - madness!! - so we’ll get to the conclusion in no time.


SARAH WRITES:

Mark got in there before me, damn his eyes! The episode I watched on Tuesday had the pre-supers learning how to walk like a supermodel. One of the boys said it was so hard, having to walk and breathe and remember one's Blue Steel look at all times. Then they had to dress each other up like members of 80s half-hit-wonders Cabaret Voltaire and strut their stuff while a bald queen shouted: "Remember! Be Butch! Be Macho! Be Cool!" Actually, why are all fashionista men bald or potato-faced?

Then they had to cook dinner for the girls while still wearing their kitten heels. More moaning about it being far too difficult to grate cheese while wearing heels or whatever from the gayer. I was once dumped by somebody who looked a bit like him (only with a tiny bit more meat on his bones), so I hate him too.

Meanwhile, the girls were carted off to their first shoot in Slough. The photographer and stylist explained their Hitchockian vision (yes, there were blank looks all round) of young girls being pursued by helicopters in...their underwear! Yay! We just had to get a perv factor in there, didn't we, producers? So, the pretty, slightly common blonde was told that her utterly gorgeous legs were too heavy in the thigh area. Shelley Duvall was the most editorial because she jumped up in the air or something and the fungus-faced photographer all but said that the nice black girl should give up all hope and try porn. The Swedish one has two expressions: Big Pout, and Little Pout. That's twice as many as Claudia Schiffer, but the photographer seems to think she may not be a contender.

The following day, the girls got to play dress up on Tower Bridge, and the Eritrean girl proved that she was a total sweetheart once again. The boys played football with another bald fashionista guy - well, except James Who Is Gay, who huffed about in goal doing strange puppet movements with his arms and pointing out that he can't play football because he's gay (Mark: that never stopped Freddie Ljungberg!!). Then it was straight into the locker room for... an underwear shoot! Oh boy. One of them had to get bigger pants hur hur...and Rachel Hunter dropped by to see how they were getting along. Yeah...right. Apparently Mark's new husband is called Albert (how sweet, that was my grandad's name), and he wasn't smouldering enough for the camera. Meanwhile James Who Is Gay and the Indie Singer Boy puffed out their teeny little chests, hid their scrawny arms behind their hair helmets, and pouted with all their might.

That evening the bald photographer revealed a new wing of the Palais de Supermodel: a gallery corridor that featured his "best shots" of competitors so far. Albert's little beardy face looked slightly disappointed.