TODDLER TV: The presenters

As well as encouraging normally sane, well-adjusted adults to obsess about the regularity and quality of baby poo, parenthood opens up a whole new world of TV. I'd call it a twilight world, but it's more of a pre-dawn one. Designed for hyperactive moppets who think lie-ins are for wimps, it is the world of Toddler TV.

Toddler TV is a brightly coloured place, full of smiles and wacky glove puppets, drug-fuelled cartoon fantasies, ex-jazz stars and bouncy people in dungarees. It sings, it dances, it has some of the worst presenters in the history of television. I'm not joking: this lot make The Word's Hufty look cool.

CBeebies
CBeebies markets itself as a learning zone where tiny minds absorb through fun. All the presenters wear playleader bright clothing and could be seen as a warning to youngsters of the effects of drinking too much Sunny Delight. Their eyes are permanently amazed, and they like to break into song and dance at the slightest provocation. We would like to line all of them up against a wall and shoot them and their weird glove puppet companions.

On the children's TV glove puppet. Look, the Muppets were great. Sesame Street was a seminal programme that introduced Herbie Hancock to a whole new generation, but does that mean that we have to have a psychedelically-coloured alien simpering about caring and sharing in EVERY SINGLE BLOODY PROGRAMME?

Notable exceptions to the earnest playleaders are the Wordsworths on StoryMakers - one of whom used to be The Cat from Red Dwarf, and another was Kelvin in Eastenders. My favourite though, is Byron Wordsworth - a shark-suited nightclub owner who probably thinks he's tripping with a purple Michael Howard soundalike and a green-haired cockroach.

ITV
The modish Rathergood-style animated hamster on ITV's Toonattik (Sat and Sun mornings) used to make a refreshing change from the usual presenters because he kept still and didn't try to teach us stuff at 6am. But last week he was sacked in favour of a nondescript blonde and her Alfie Moon-a-like co-presenter being wacky in an attic.

Channel 4 don't bother with presenters. You can almost hear the regular announcers slurping their cappucinos as they attempt to whip up interest in The Hoobs. Not sure if C4 does any other children's TV because as soon as I see the bloody Hoobs, I hit the remote.

five
Five's Milkshake presenters are our favourites. Every single one a Footballers' Girlfriend who stepped into the magic changing room at TopShop, and found herself in a TV studio with a bunch of home-made cards wishing Kayleigh a happy seventh birthday from Granny and Nampa . Their bleary little faces struggle womanfully with the Milkshake dance (a complicated hand jive/hula thing) while expecting the magic shopkeeper to appear at any minute. This morning, I found Ceej gripped by a former underwear model in a corked bush hat singing about making tacos. Priceless

Five is also home to the only glove puppets we can tolerate. Tickle and Patch are a pair of ADHD guinea pigs with their own farm in Wiltshire. Their jokes are crap, they say "Oooharrrr" after every sentence, and they sound like Ceej's dad.