Spelling Bee

Spellbound was one of my favourite films of 2003 and afterwards I kept saying to anyone who would listen that they should have spelling programmes on TV. BBC1's Hard Spell was pretty good and I enjoyed Celebrity Hard Spell, except for that bloody idiot Dick (or Dom) who ruined it for everyone by being useless. Anyway, I'm going to watch ITV's effort and see if it's any good.

Right. It's hosted by Chris Tarrant, which seems better than the Eamonn Holmes version. There are also three different teams and they're playing for charidee. Unfortunately the only people I've heard of are Edwina Currie, Tony Slattery, Samantha Bond and Tara Palmer-Tompkinson. That's only 4 out of 12. Very poor sleb-count, if you ask me. They also have a precocious kid called Samir from the US National Spelling Bee as Expert Help. This seems like a bad idea.

First round. Fiona Phillips, Edwina Currie and Patrick Mower. It's category related and they get to pick the level of difficulty. The category is politics and Fiona gets "adjournment" correct at level 2. Edwina goes for a high level of difficulty (3) and gets "constituency" correct. Tarrant, of course, can't resist delivering his lines as if he was on Millionaire ("That's the right answer - you've got 30 points!" etc.) Mower gets "filibustering" and has to ask Samir because he's not sure about the number of Ls. It turns out that each team can ask Samir twice each and if he gets it right they get the point. Basically it's 'Ask the audience of one' and the one happens to be a spelling expert. Anyway he gets it right and smart-arsedly says, "It's a good thing you waited because you might not have got it right" with a shit-eating grin. Tarrant looks like he wants to slap him but he's protected by a video-link.

Commerical break already. Bah.

The round continues. Just Slattery from Fiona's team. He goes for level 3 and gets "Guadaloupe". He gets it wrong. Tarrant: "That's the WRONG answer". Roger Black is next for Currie's team and gets "Philippines". he gets it wrong too. Andrew someone next and gets "Montserrat" at level 2. He gets it wrong too. Tarrant looks desperate to say, "Is that your final answer?"

Samantha Bond, from Currie's team now. The category is 'Living La Vida Loca'. The category idea is stupid if you ask me - it doesn't add anything at all. Sam gets "Superfluous" right for 30 points. Tim Vine now, level 3 again. He gets "nymphomania" correct, also for 3. Trudie Goodwin now. (Who?) Level 3 again, even though she admits she'd rather choose level 2. Her word is "ostentatious" and she asks Samir. The little blighter gets it right. Tarrant tries to psyche him out by doing the Millionaire thing of going, "Samir...(big pause)..." but Samir basically tells him to fuck off because he knows he's right. Ha ha!

Next up is Wendy someone. Her word is "chihuahua" and she asks Samir too. He gets it right. Anthony Cotton's turn now - he gets "rottweiler" at level 2 and gets it wrong with only one L. TPT now. She opts for the easiest level and says, "I don't mind if I get it wrong - I've got a nice dress on." She gets "Leopard" and spells it out on the desk like a 5 year old. She also repeats "L" but Tarrant lets her off.

The scores are now Edwina's team: 60, Patrick's team: 70, and Fiona's team: 70, although Patrick's team have exhausted their Samir option.

It's quite badly structured, really. I hope they vary it later on. At least the BBC version had several different rounds and tested both speed and ability.

Round 2 now. "Decision Time". Oh for God's sake. It's basically the same thing again, only once one person has attempted a level no-one else can do that level. The category is "I may be small but I'm hard", which sounds awful, but it's about small words that are hard to spell. Wendy gets "phlegm" correct for 10 points and Anthony gets "abysmal" right too. Tara gets "liaise" wrong, which is silly considering the round (she spells it 'liase'). She says "Did I not say that?", rather amusingly.

Level 2 words for round 2. "It's All Greek To Me" - foreign words that are used in English. Samantha Bond gets "Hacienda" correct, Tim gets "Karaoke" correct (and yes, I am writing these down before they spell them) and some other woman gets "pirouette".

Level 3 words for round 2. The category is "Reverse Spelling" and apparently they have to spell the words backwards. This is just getting stupid now. Fiona gets "Irreversible" and gets it right. Roger gets "bankruptcy" and asks Samir. Samir gets it right, precocious little Boy Genius that he is. Patrick Mower gets "misconstrue" and gets it right.

Scores are now: Edwina's and Patrick's teams have 120, Fiona's team have 130 pts.

Mystery Spelling Round now, with rapid fire spelling at 10 points a word. No, I tell a lie, it's worse than that. Slattery is given several words and has to say whether it's "i before e" or "e before i". He gets 8 right and 80 points. Edwina gets "a or i before b" with -ible, -able words. She gets 6 and 60 points. Andrew gets "a or e before n". He gets 40 points. Scores now: Patrick: 160, Edwina: 180, Fiona: 210. Patrick's team have to leave, which is a shame because TPT is the most entertaining contestant and I'd have liked to see her struggle with something better than "liaise" and "leopard". Bah.

Basically, this is a case of too many celebrities and not enough words. I'd rather watch them all in a straight knockout, like in the States. Fools.

Round 3. Scores back to zero and another team will get knocked out at the end. Level 1 words no longer allowed. I was hoping for a bit of variety but no, it's the same format. Category is "I'll have a P please, Chris." The audience are so bored they applaud half-heartedly every time someone picks a difficult level. Fiona picks 3 and gets "paediatrics" correct, Anthony gets "prerogative" correct and is rather happy about it. Slattery vs Vine now. Category is about phobias. Slattery gets "triskaidekaphobia" and says, "I beg your pardon", after a Comedy Pause. He gets one letter wrong (he says "ophobia" not "aphobia"). Vine gets "arachnophobia", which is nowhere near as difficult. He picks the Boy Genius option and Samir gets it right. Samantha vs Edwina now. Category is "Types of Italian Food". Sam goes for 3 and gets "cannelloni". She asks Samir and he gets it right. Chris tries the fake-out thing again and Samir still knows he got it right. Edwina picks level 2 and gets "linguine" wrong. So do I, actually - I would have spelled it "linguini" too. D'oh! New category: "Back to School." Wendy gets "trigonometry" correct and Roger gets "apostrophe" wrong. Fool. (He spells it "apostraphe".) Tarrant can't help himself and keeps giving extra information, as if it helps. It's now Edwina 60, Fiona 90.

This is more like it. "Speed spell". Both teams are all lined up and have to spell as many words as possible in 2 minutes. Apparently they each get 10 seconds per word too. They're not sticking to the rules either - they're allowed to restart without any penalties. They all do well though. Edwina's team have 110 and Fiona's team have 160. Fiona's team are Slattery, Samantha and Wendy - they now split up to find a single champion for the £25,000 prize.

Hmmm. This round is silly - they have to spell a word between them, one letter at a time. They each have 2 lives. Wendy goes out. Next word is "onomatopoeia". Slattery: "Oh, for God's sake!" Slattery is the only one with both lives left. Fiona's out too, on "renaissance". It's Slattery vs Samantha Bond, which is cool because a) I know who they are and b) they were my two favourites.

This is more like it. It's now "Best of 5" with a Sudden Death round if they're level at the end. Slattery gets "effervescent" correct. Sam gets "perspicacious" correct. I think I might fancy her a little bit. Slattery gets "Leprechaun" wrong - he spells it "Leprachaun". Sam gets "Poltergeist" correct. Slattery gets "assassination" correct. Sam gets "pteryodactyl" which is a bitch of a word to have in your head. She spells it "therodactyl". Oh dear. Maybe I don't fancy her after all - I could never be with a woman who couldn't spell pterodactyl. Slattery gets "iridescent" wrong. Sam gets "minuscule" correct and Slattery gets "opthalmologist" wrong (as do I). Sam wins! Hurrah! She gives the money to McMillan Cancer Relief. Marvellous. I bet I'm one of the only viewers in the country who didn't turn over to Big Brother at 10pm though.