Melrose Place Update

Kimberley and Dr Michael’s marriage shenanigans continue – Dr Michael served Kimberley with divorce papers, Kimberley then attempted suicide and Dr Michael had cracked open the bubbly and was set to watch her die when Sydney walked in and spoiled everything. I love the way Sydney just keeps doing mad random things that are completely pointless. Sydney managed to extort a big wad of cash out of both Kimberley (she helped K frame M for moider) and Michael (he had to pay Syd for the suicide note, so he could get off the moider rap) but then decided to throw her money away by investing the blackmail proceeds in Mancini goddamn Designs and is now the President. Given that Mancini Designs only has one room above a shop, that must be like being the President of Heligoland. Sydney’s first executive decisions were to put Dr Michael on the payroll as her gigolo, basically, and to get Mancini Designs embroiled in some kind of mafia pantyhose drug smuggling scam. Good one Sydney. (That plot now seem so to have been resolved, but I think I must have dozed off for the 30 mins or so when it happened).

Meanwhile, Dr Michael is now stalking Amanda (who, of course, has completely recovered from her 24 hour bout of Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) and Dr K ran away to a special boot camp to learn how to be assertive. They asked her to leave after she broke the instructor’s arm for kicks. Kimberley has now returned to Melrose to wreak revenge and has teamed up with Amanda to get Michael arrested for stalking/assault (all faked of course). In a particularly hilarious moment, a beardy Rolf Harris alike bloke suddenly appeared to Kimberley in a mirror and started telling her to “Kill! Kill them all!” I haven’t seen such a hilariously crass depiction of mental illness since the talking dog in that “Summer of Sam” film. Matt copped off with a hunky doctor and they actually implied that they had sex. OMG! Hunky doctor got up in the middle of the night to phone someone and I instantly assumed that he was going to plot evil shenanigans with Kimberley (I wouldn’t put anything past her now that she’s assertive!) but instead he just phoned his wife to make a lame excuse. Doh. Will Matt ever be lucky in love?

Jake’s no-good half brother has moved in with him and is up to no good. Also he is rotten looking - a giant Fabio-esque “hunk” with an ugly chin beard and stringy hair. Perhaps he is supposed to be “grunge” or something. He is working at Shooters, reading all of Jake’s private papers and putting the moves on Jo. (I don’t mind Jo now that she doesn’t run around squealing “My baybay! My baybay!” all the time). Ugly Brother has been flirting shamelessly – taking Jo to crazy golf and teaching her how to handle his club. Pure filth. Jo said she wouldn’t do anything with Ugly Brother as it would hurt Jake, Ugly Brother asked for one kiss and two seconds later he is ripping off her ugly crushed velour cardigan and pushing her up against a dumpster at the back of the bar. The baby-napping grandparents were right after all! Jo really is a heartless amoral slut! Sydney heard Jake and Ugly Brother knocking boots and instantly grassed them up to Jake. Bitch. Jake and Ugly Bro had a fight (next to a swimming pool but no-one fell in – what’s that all about?) and then Ugly Bro hired some even uglier people to shoot Jake – of course he survived – he is sure that Ugly Bro was responsible but just can’t prove it, dammit!

Charlotte from Sex and the City has turned out to be a right little minx (Billy: “Are you rich?” Charlotte: “Filthy!”). She spent hours telling Billy that he was really sexy (give her an oscar!) while he made his normal constipated faces. Her blatant flattery finally penetrated his thick skull and she got him into bed. At work, she did very well with the (snigger) Glamorous Gowns campaign when she let them use her posh dad’s big house for a photoshoot at the last minute and became Alison’s confidante and right hand woman (Alison is still a bitch on wheels by the way). Alison gave Amanda a lowly job at Depressing and Dysfunctional Advertising and Amanda instantly teamed up with Charlotte and made her her spy. Amanda, of course, did everything she could to get Alison the sack – hiding vital memos, mentioning to clients about Alison’s drunken rehab shame, messing with the Glamorous Gowns print campaign etc etc, the best bit was when she got Alison to pitch an advert to some bloke that reminded him of his mother’s suicide. Ha ha ha, that’s more like it. Meanwhile Charlotte spent all her time pumping Billy for secret information and then making conniving faces over his shoulder when he hugged her. Classic. In the end Alison was sacked in favour of Amanda and order was restored in the Melrosiverse. Charlotte has connived to get Alison a job in Hong Kong (she is still in the programme though, worse luck), tricked Billy into thinking Alison hated him and has got him to propose. That’s an awful lot of effort to land a mega tool like Billy.