Melrose Place Apocalypse

In the last few episodes, loads of incredibly random things happen, all of which lead up into the most insane season finale I have ever seen. Seriously, it makes 24 look like an Open University program about organic chemistry.

After stumbling along like a wounded dog all season, Mancini Designs finally goes into liquidation. Jane displays hitherto invisible reserves of moxy by barging into a D&D meeting to speak to the director of a famous fashion house. The best part is when she pushes Amanda against a wall so she can chase the bloke into a lift – they cut away just as Heather Locklear starts cracking up. Jane gets a job and immediately starts (a) bitching that no-one knows that the clothes are being designed by her! Jane Mancini! (what an ungrateful bitch) and (b) shagging the handsome young director, even though he is supposed to be going out with the famous, harridan, past it, designer lady who founded the company.

Alison finally realises that she has been shipped to Hong Kong (which looks more like a Shaw Brothers film set than actual real life HK, by the way) as part of an evil plot for Charlotte to marry Billy. She resigns and heads home but will she arrive in time to stop the wedding? Charlotte tries to bring the wedding forward, all the sooner to model her hideous, backless, halter neck wedding dress. Charlotte’s dad takes Billy to one side and says that if he doesn’t make his precious princess happy, he will utterly destroy him. Do it! Do it! Alison arrives just as they are taking the vows (Amanda pulls a hilarious WTF? face) and starts whimpering at Billy not to do it. (Charlotte: “Don’t listen to her! She’s an obsessive alcoholic!” ha ha ha). Billy tells Alison to sod off so she goes home (after calling Jane a traitor for going to the wedding) and starts necking neat vodka from a litre bottle. Mmmm, vodka.

Dr Peter pops up again (with different horrid hair) and offers to bail out Dr Michael if Dr Michael will change his story so that Dr Peter won’t go to prison and be struck off the medical register. Dr Michael instantly agrees, because he is a weasel. Dr Peter starts going out with Kimberly for some reason, but Kimberley is jealous because she thinks he is still chasing after Amanda. Sydney teams up with Dr Michael to spy on Kimberley and prove that she is crazy. She goes to see K for a medical check up and narrowly escapes being stabbed by pair of scissors when Evil Beardy Inner Demon pops up again and carries on with the “Kill them all!” routine. Syd then breaks into Kimberleys motel and finds her hilarious “all the cast must die!” stalker wall of defaced photographs. The police won’t do anything though because Dr M and Sydney are both felons themselves. Dr Kimberley tries to resist Inner Demon Bloke but in the end decides that yes, killing them all is the way to go. She produces some dynamite, petrol and a radio controlled detonator (complete with dramatic red buttons) from SOMEWHERE and goes over to the flats to rig them up to explode. Oh, this makes no sense at all. Sydney follows her into the basement and gets knocked out and tied up, so Kimberley can explain her evil plot like a Bond villain. She threatens Syd with a blow torch and makes her lure Dr Michael over with her giant brick-like cell phone.

It turns out that Gay Matt’s hunky doctor lovah is only stringing him along so he can frame him for the murder of his wife. Hunky Doctor: “Why did you do it, you disgusting pervert?” Matt: “You set me up, god dammit!” Actually, Matt may be better off in prison given the quality of dates he has been getting on the outside.

Jo realises that Jake’s no-good brother is, um, no good when he savagely beats her up when she declines his wedding proposal and then tells her to tidy the kitchen and start cooking his tea. What a catch! When Jake finds out he goes to the building site where Brother works and starts with the fisticuffs. They thrash around a bit and then both take a dive off the half-completed building. The camera follows them half way to the ground and then… CLIFFHANGER! (Actually that is a rubbish cliffhanger, unless Jake’s incredible hotness somehow starts to negate the force of gravity).

OK, so Billy and Charlotte have popped back to their flat after the wedding for some rumpo. Alison is crying into her vodka in her flat and crossing out “Billy 4 Alison 4eva” from the front of her trapper keeper. Jane, Fashion Bloke and Amanda are helping Jo until the ambulance arrives (Harridan Designer Lady shows up for a Dramatic Confrontation too). Dr Peter has been lured to the flats by a mysterious note that he thinks comes from Amanda. Dr Michael goes into the basement and is almost knocked out by Kimberley. They fight and Dr Michael wins and frees Sydney. They both run upstairs leaving Kimberly with the detonator. Seriously, they are too stupid to live. Basically, the whole cast is there apart from Jake and Gay Matt. They run around, getting everyone out of the flats so that everyone is milling around in the courtyard when Kimberley emerges, smiles demonically, presses the big red button and … CLIFFHANGER!!!

Well that was a lot of fun - a non stop parade of unlikeable characters doing completely illogical things, very dated fashion, high speed plots that last three episodes (really, the entire season of "desperate Housewives would have fitted into two episodes of MP) and normally end in death marriage or imprisonment. roll ont he next series!