STRICTLY COME DANCING!!

Everyone is doing two dances this week and they’re all doing different ones, so I’m not going to even try and list them all. Tess Daly passes bodice inspection for the fourth week in a row, so it seems safe to say that the costume designers have got the hang of her norks now.

There are lots of shots of the celebs looking tired and tripping over their own feet while the professionals throw their hands up in despair. Everybody is dead serious and goes on about how hard it is. I'm sure it is, but then so is an eight hour shift on the tills in Tescos, and you don't get to wear an entire bird sanctuary up your bum.

Lovely Mark
They start off doing the foxtrot – I don’t really understand the USP of this dance and I am none the wiser when they are done as it is a pretty poor showing. Disjointed and oddly choreographed. They are slagged off by the judges and get 7s – pretty shit for this part of the tournament. Nooo! Mark can’t go yet!!

The next dance is the samba and this is much better. Mark busts out the unbuttoned glittery shirt, gets his considerable groove on and funkily shakes his hips, while Karen pulls mad faces and jiggles around him. They get 9s from all the judges – phew, perhaps he’s safe after all!

Slightly less lovely Matt
Matt has a similar experience to Mark this week, with one good dance and one shit one. The good one is the ballroomy one, which is possibly a quickstep only I can’t remember it. Oh well. They get good marks anyway

The next one is the goddamn rumba. I am always going on about how much I hate this dance so I won’t do it again (whoops, too late!) Anyway, Cabbie Len speaks for all of us when he says that there are not enough actual dance steps and too much of Matt posing on his knees and Lilia posing with one leg stuck in the air. Heh. They get 7s too. Doh.

Davetta
I don’t like the way that Davetta seems to wear less and less each week. They are really pandering to the jailbait factor. Also, when Tess speaks to her she acts as though Davetta is 3 or something. Just because she’s half your height doesn’t mean that she’s retarded, Tess!

The first dance is the Viennese Waltz and there is lots of ponceing around and not much actual waltzing in it. The judges tell them off for that but then still give them excellent marks.

The next one is possibly the samba and seems to mainly consist of Davetta rubbing her arse against Vincent Slime-oni’s crotch. Vom. The judges say that she is cheeky and saucy and give her fab marks again. Dammit.

Baby Spice
Emma starts off with a waltz too. The judges cream themselves about how romantic it is and how it tells a story (plot: Emma is dancing soppily with a man with a bad haircut. The end.) I think it is quite boring though I am not a huge fan of the waltz anyway. They don’t do anything wrong though, so ho hum. 9s all round!

For the next one they are doing the paso doble (or as I like to think of it; the gay bullfighting one) Emma is gussied up in a hideous short black outfit that makes her look like a plump Vampirella. She stomps and grimaces while Haircut minus 100 toreodorks around her and stamps his feet. The judges love it again, but the audience, and I, do not as she ends up in the bottom two. Gasp!!

Carol Smillie
My boyfriend used to irrationally hate Carol Smillie, but after watching her on this show he likes her now. Hurrah! The first dance could very well be one of the waltzes (can you tell that I didn’t take any notes this week!) and Carol looks glamorous in a sparkly red dress. She does very well and gets her first two nines. Good for her!

The next one is the samba or salsa or something and Carol continues her tradition of having very many feathers coming out of her arse. She can’t really pull off the sexy latin vibe but she is very game and attacks all the moves and does quite well. She gets more nines but gets the boot anyway. Such a shame as she had finally transformed herself from Portsmouth FC last season to Portsmouth FC this season. Carol takes the news with the same dignity that she took her numerous slaggings off. Oh no, who is going be the subject of my tortuous football metaphors now???