NIGELLA’S FOOD P0RN XXXMAS SPECIAL

Making fun of Nigella is like shooting fish in a barrel, but that’s never stopped me before, ha ha! She is presenting her xmas special series and starts off by wibbling on about how she loves the fruity smells of Christmas. Me too, Nigella, me too! Then we quickly move onto the actual cooking part and have lots of shots of Nigella coyly explaining recipes from behind her raven tresses. Every single ingredient is “lovely”, “fantastic” “gorgeous” etc, so the simplest procedure becomes an orgy of hyperbole;

“Mmm, feel this Mother Pride loaf, it’s lovely, so soft and white. And now I’m opening the beans. They’re so orange and shiny and I love this glossy tomato sauce they come in. It’s so moist and thick….”

etc etc

The things she cooks all look quite easy, though they all look yummy and I would try any of them (mulled wine, mulled cider, gingerbread tree decs, glazed ham, xmas cake – not sure about putting chocolate in the latter though) I was hoping for some more imaginative things but hopefully they will come later in the show. We also get to envy her huge kitchen and check out her xmas decorations (her tree is a bit shit, to be honest).

Top three moments likely to make middle aged men want to touch themselves (in reverse order):

3: When Nigella eats anything
2: Nigella shows us her some of her cookery books and gets so excited that she does a sort of little shimmy that sets her bosoms-a-vibrating
1: Nigella is making mulled wine and passionately exclaims, “My little oranges are bobbing around!”