STRICTLY COME DANCING: SAMBA TO HELL
Lots of gubbins about how this is the hardest SCD EVAH! The dancers pour praise on their celebrity victims, and nobody mentions the tabloids.

Bosomwatch: After a couple of really good weeks, the InterContinental Breastly Missiles are back, under an asymmetric blue clingy affair that most right-thinking mothers - even beautiful ex-models - would put back in the wardrobe with a regretful sigh. I spend the whole show expecting (and indeed hoping) that guns would pop out of her breasts and mow Brucie down in a hail of bullets.

We're down to four couples this week, so they each have to do one dance each. I think it's one ballroom + one latin, so we get to see Ramps in a penguin suit, and Ramps in something sparkly, see through and v-necked to the point of obscenity. My cup runneth over.

Lovely Ramps
Waltz: very swoopy and romantic. Karen's sparkly bustier + big net skirt nearly envelops Love Rat Ramps's legs, but the Italian judge calls him Prince Valiant. I think that's a compliment. All 9's for that one!

Jive: Oh no. Why do they make the contestants over 30 do this one? Ramps thrusts manfully to Elvis, but loses his way a bit in the finger clicking, leg kicking part. The stoppy starty choreography doesn't help. Even Arlene takes him to task for being a bit stompy and shit and making a mistake. Mutters from the Ramps camp opposite the judges.

Davetta
American Smooth: Poor old Davetta had a bit of a hard time tonight. Her ballroom dress was surprisingly chaste (for Davetta), but she American Smooths to the judges' satisfaction. Though Arlene says she should stretch her knees. eh?

Rumba: Oh this is such a wanky dance. I hate it. Vincent wears a horrible nylon v neck tunic that looks like something off Blakes 7 and they gimp around and try to be romantic. Davetta doesn't do very well.

Not quite as lovely Matt
Mr P remarks that the sports billies seem to have tapped into special reserves of sportsmanliness to raise their game. I agree. Though Matt's Viennese Waltz was a bit stodgy, and the judges didn't like it - Bitter Craig even gives him a 5. Ouch. Later on Matt says that he "wants a piece of Mark". Join the queue, mate.

Samba: Matt shows off his snake-hipped, Latino wiggly side in black and pink glitter and Lilia wears a wierd giant headband thing that makes her head look like a pumpkin. I don't really like this dance, esp the bit where the man grabs the lady from behind and then they act like a helicopter or something. Len wasn't overwhelmed, which is probably a good thing. He's in a good mood tonight. All 8s from the judges.

Emma
Tango: Red suits her better than that black feathery Moulin Rouge thing she was wearing last week. Emma puts her mean face on, and the band play a stonking cover of a Nelly Furtado song that almost tempts me to take Nelly off my List of Death. But not quite.

BTW, can I just say that the Strictly Come Dancing band is fantastic? There, I just have.

Another bloody Rumba: Gah! She does OK and wears a pretty gold dress, but there's far too much posing and leg waving for my liking. I thought she was a bit hoofy in both dances, but the judges love her. Arlene says she has to watch her hips and be more sexy in the tango. Emma mentions that her boyfriend's watching (cut to Jade from Failed Boy Band Damage grinning under his Dohertyesque trilby).

The results show gives us a taster of the Argentine tango, which appears to involve lots of draping one's self around Brylcreemed males while they sulk around chairs. This week the two lowest-rated couples have to dance again for our votes. It is called a "dance off" which makes me think of the scene in the film of "Starsky and Hutch" but disappointingly they just have to repeat the best dance they did earlier. Davetta grins and throws herself about the floor, and then gets her dress caught on a heel right at the end. Emma pulls off a less hoofy tango, and the GBP votes Davetta out. There are tears all round and actually it is quite sad. Everybody hugs Davetta, and she's in danger of suffocation by Tess's dress, but she survives...

Will Mark's Love Rat Shame scupper his votes next week? I have a feeling that someone at NotW has a lot of money on Emma to win and is prepared to stop at nothing to get big winnings!!