STRICTLY COME DANCING
Another year of sequins and hideous spangly blouses that I will find insanely addictive. The shame! The shame!

Bruce “I am a national treasure and that is why my links are so appalling and laugh-free” Forsyth and Tess “I am a beautiful young woman so why do the costume dept keep putting me in dresses with weird saggy bodices???” Daly are back as presenters and the four judges ( Bitter Queen, Exuberant Italian Queen who manages to think of something vaguely derogatory to say about all the women, even though he means well, Harsh but Fair Arlene and Sensible Bloke) are also unchanged.

SARAH: I have an unhealthy fascination with Tess Daly's breasts. They're either strapped up like Hannibal Lecter after a nice Chianti supper, or roaming free like wildebeest on the Serengeti. This week they were marshalled into a pink satin number that made her look a bit like a Cyberman on a night out.

There are some familiar dance professionals and some new ones too. All the women are v tiny and orange and most people have ridiculously camp stage names like “Anton Du Beke” and “Flavia Del Licioso” etc etc. If I am ever a dance professional I think I will call myself “Markus von Markingstein”. A new innovation this year is that each dancer has a little promo reel type intro thing where they do two spins, make tiger claws, go grrrr and then pull a “blue steel” face, all in soft focus with an orange filter on the camera. They are, without exception, totally hilarious.

And now our thoughts on the celebrities…

THE BLOKES

Nicolas Owen: is very smug and smirky so I’m glad he was the first out.

SARAH: He was very annoying.

Jimmy Tarbuck: yes, we know that you and Brucey are best friends – you can stop fellating each other now. Is surely doomed to go quickly but I hope we see him do some ridiculous latin dance that involves shiny ruffled shirts and camp hip wriggling first.

SARAH: He didn't make it into week 2 because he was ill or something. Also would like to see him shake his maracas.

Peter Schmeichel: I used to have a crush of shame on the Manc/Scando red nosed goalie/shouter. I know. Shut up. He was surprisingly good at waltzing (has a good touch for a big fella, in football cliche) but was hopelessly robotic and stiff in the west side story type jivey thing they had to do the other week. Can’t wait to see him try to do latin dancing too.

SARAH: (points at Mark) Ha ha ha ha!

Matt Dawson: Smirky Question of Sport bloke (whom I find quite likeable, generally) may be the Celebrity Masterchef but I don’t think he is going to go far with ballroom dancing – seems totally half arsed and indifferent.

SARAH: Quite fancy him, but he really should be busting some moves on the rugger pitch instead of doing this nonsense. His Celebrity Masterchef dishes were surprisingly intricate and a bit...girly.

DJ Spoonie: As I am not a young person I have no idea who this is. The judges say he is good but he looks a bit average to me.

SARAH: He reminds me of my cousin-in-law, who went to one ballroom dancing class, and got completely hooked, so I'm quite fond of him.

Ray Something off Corrie: Neverheard of him either but he is much better than Spoonie - RAY 2 COME SECOND!!

SARAH: Mmm...cute.

Mark Ramprakash: MARK 2 WIN!! MARK 2 WIN!! I don’t follow cricket and so don’t know much about him. Lookswise seems quite average when just standing around, but has a dazzling smile and seems a completely different person when dancing and is v charismatic and groovy. He is surely the best of the blokes and also is the best looking!! MARK 2 WIN!!!

SARAH: He's a bit of a batting wizard too, and he plays for Surrey. RAMPS 2 WIN!!

THE WOMEN

Carol Smillie: I quite liked her on Changing Rooms, and she is OK at this – a bit of a swot. Does not look great with her hair up though. The judges all raved about her and then gave her shit marks. Weird. Had to do a 1920s type flappery dance and for some reason they chose to do it to Dolly’s “9 to 5”. Not a good idea.

SARAH: Was that dress silver or grey? I thought she was OK.

Jan Raven: A comedy lady off things that I do not watch or listen to. Seems to be a good laugh though. Her performance is quite weird as she does very well for ages and then manages to do two huge cock ups – going left when she should go right and then basically falling over. Doh. The judges tell her to do better by impersonating say Ginger Rogers. Dude, she is an impressionist not Rogue off the X Men!

SARAH: I liked her because she seemed to be having the most fun with Brucie's Secret Love Child Anton du Beke...

Georgina Something off Casualty: Pretty blonde girl who is totally rubbish and surely only survived the first week due to (a) blondeness and (b) large numbers of Casualty viewers. Her routine involved her standing there, pointing to alternate corners of the room while her partner sleazed around her and licked her neck occasionally. Her dance partner seems like a real prick, btw. I hate it when they decide that they have to be all stern and bossy.

SARAH: She was a bit charmless with her "shut up and teach me dancing". Whose idea was it to make her up like Tanya Turner?

Mica Paris: Is a bit of a clodhopper but does better than Georgina and has quite good “pointy arm action” (ps. this is a proper technical term). Is the first woman to go :(

SARAH: Mr P was very sad.

Claire King: an older actress off Bad Girls, who keeps going on about how raunchy and sexually confident she is. Alright love, we get it. Is teamed with that shiny faced bastard off Love Island whom I loathe and detest. He gets her points docked by doing illegal lifts. What a dick.

SARAH: She had a face like a disappointed lizard in rehearsals. Loathsome partner is detested by the judges, who want him to die or break a leg or something. Just take a look at Arlene's face next week...

Davetta off Eastenders: Davetta brings her severe sideparting and general jailbaitiness to the world of dance and seems to be pretty good, though looks green with nerves before she actually starts. Her partner (tiny, sleazy Italian who reminds me of bloke working in kebab shop on Holloway road) devises a complicated 20s flapper style routine for her and she does pretty well. Probably one of the top two women. DAVETTA 2 COME 2ND!!11!!

SARAH: She was OK. Not sure about that lemon yellow dress though

Baby Spice: SPICE 2 WIN!! SPICE 2 WIN!! Emma has obviously had dance training before and knows how to put in a performance too. Definitely the best woman and a bookies favourite too.

SARAH: SPICE 2 WIN!! She's great.


THE DANCES
So far we have seen the following
1) Bog standard waltz where they spin around a lot, with much grin and lean action. Boring.

2) One of the latin ones that are all quite similar – cha cha cha or samba? I like this one due to the hideous plastic blouses that the men have to wear. Also the steps make any man look ridiculously camp. Hurrah!

3) The women did a group version of another one of the latin things that are quite similar. I don’t have much to say about that one though.

4) Quickstep: this is a 1920s style ballroom dance where they basically belt it to one corner of the room and then stand there doing flappery synchronised kicking,then belt across to the other corner. Quite fun to watch and reminds me of Noel Coward and smashing gels called Lettuce.

5) Rumba: the boringest latin dance ever. Is supposed to be sexy and romantic – ie sleazy and unconvincing given the tenuous heterosexuality of all male dance professionals. Involves much standing around and pointing, combined with unconvincing lechery. Dud.

6) The men had to do a group swing thing – aka recreate West Side Story! Hurrah! I love 50s style go go dancing like this. The blokes pick up girls and swing them around and then kind of waggle their legs and click their fingers like angry Jets on the way to a “rumble”. Awesome. Peter Schmeichel trying to rumble is a sight that will stay with me to my grave.