STRICTLY COME DANCING
This week I have come to the conclusion that former model Tess Daly only acquired the multi-directional ICBM breasts after she gave birth, and still isn't quite sure what to do with them. Certainly they need a bit more support than a sparkly strap cutting into her armpits and a bit of tea coloured velourette.

This week, the chaps were dancing the tango - originally formulated in the brothels of Buenos Aires, the competition version involves lots of leg tangling, shaking of heads and throwing around of the lady partner with a look of disdain. You seem to spend half the time dancing lasciviously with someone without even looking at them, which reminds Mark of a typical night in a gay club.

The girls were dancing the jive, which pretty much sounds the death knell for anybody over thirty. Jiving requires that you wear your hair in some strange Sigue Sigue Sputnik-style quiff and do lots of sprightly leg kicking, spinning and general bouncing about.

In other news, Tarbuck is OUT due to ill health and Flamboyant Italian Judge shocks the nation by saying "Bullshit" before the watershed. Gasp!

THE GIRLS

Smiley Carol Smillie
SARAH:...writes down her moves on a clipboard, thus proving Mark's girly swot comment. They try to sex it up this week, but I think they went wrong with the choice of Madonna's Hanky Panky for the music. Possibly one of the least sexy songs ever written. Didn't like the ostrich features up Carol's bum either.

MARK: Carol's Big Bird/Chicken outfit is dreadful and totally detracts from her shapely pins. She does OK and gets a decent mark but I think she is doomed to mid table mediocrity. An Aston villa compared to the Arsenal/Chelsea combo of Davetta/Baby Spice

Casualty Blonde
SARAH: This one was saved by the microscopic skirt made out of three sequins and a belt. Utterly charmless and weepy in rehearsal. And her partner's a bit of a dick too.

MARK: Looks like she auditioning for the part of Aquagirl in her outfit. Arlene's constructive criticism is that she needs to learn how to walk properly before she can dance. Seriouusly. Ouch.

Bad Girls lady
SARAH: After being told off last week for his illegal lifts (um,yeah...call the cops). Love Island Boy tries to throw Bad Girls lady about some more, but she won't let him. She spends most of her time wiggling her mile-high quiff and doing pointy stuff while Brendan gets "passionate". Judges love it. But they still hate him.

MARK: Bad Girl compensates for the fact that she is too old to do the jive by, um, foregrounding her bosoms in a sparkly bra. Half the judges' comments are about partner's alleged naughtiness/lack thereof. Way to totally overshadow your celebrity partner, you badly permed cockfarmer.

Jan Ravens
SARAH: Not very good. Anton looks like he dropped in to dash off a quick dance on the way to fix our boiler. It's still not working properly, Anton...

MARK: Jan gamely yet ineptly kicks and spasms her way through the routine while Anton swirls around her like a dervish in his horrendous all red outfit; a Flash to Georgina's Aquagirl.

Emma Bunton
SARAH: Look, she's great. So let's not bang on about how great she is and talk about her partner. Is that a hairpiece or what?

MARK: I was so obsessed by partner's (a) orangeness (b) supercamp dancing and (c) general gayness that I never even looked at his "hair". Will pay more attention next week.

Davetta off Eastenders
SARAH: Well, she appears to have recovered well after the shocking news of her dad's demise. Then slimy partner slips on his snail trail and pulls a hamstring during rehearsals, but he soldiers on to help her do a quite good jive (well, she is about 12, so jiggling about doesn't hold many terrors for her).

MARK: Survives Mr "Do you want chilli sauce with that"'s injury to dance a splendid jive. Also her green sequinny dress is an improvement on last week's acid yellow monstrosity. What did they do to her hair though. OMG!!!

THE BOYS

Ray off Corrie
SARAH: Did lots of haughty head waggling and his legs were a bit stiff.

MARK: Quite a forgettable performance - prob better at latin rather than ballroom. He is quite handsome though.

Matt Dawson
SARAH: Quite a bit better than last week, but it's more of a waltz than a steamy prelude to a night of hot Matt lovin'. Especially as he looked like he was waiting for a bus for most of the dance.


MARK: Much improved on last week but still unable to put on anything resembling a performance. Perhaps he should imagine that he's dancing with his TV Husband Ally McCoist or something.

DJ Spoony
SARAH: Oooh...what are they doing? They've chosen a proper tango tune, not a tango-ed up Will Young smoochfest, and...AND...it's in GERMAN. It's like they were sending a subliminal eviction note to the Great British Public. Guess what? It worked.

MARK: Gets a bit mixed up with tango head shaking moment but otherwise does quite well. He's still evicted to the shock of the judges. It's not looking great for the GB Public that two black contestants have been evicted in as many weeks, or perhaps the Casualty juggernaut is unstoppable?

Mark Ramprakash
SARAH: Oooh...

MARK: Another excellent performance from the cricketing Adonis and housewive's favouite. Arlene's favourite too - next time he does a sexy latin dance she will probably jump over the desk and start ripping at his sequins.

Peter Schmeichel
SARAH: Actually, he was rather good, like Boris Johnson crossed with an emperor penguin. His haughty look was more about striking the fear of God in an oncoming midfielder than enticing a young lady to examine his onion bag.

MARK: Apparently does an excellent technical job, despite vague Lurch type tendencies. Kudos to the make up department for taming his rudolph style red nose too (much evident in rehearsals)