TOP TEN MOMENTS IN APPRENTICE: BADGER VS TULIP

1. Jo pulling a series of OTT amazed faces when Siralan described this week’s task, as though he was letting off fireworks or producing an endless string of cute puppies and kittens from his pockets while talking.

2. The teams being sent to tosser-zone extraordinaire Saatchi and Saatchi (where the room for “blue sky thinking” actually has blue sky painted on the ceiling do you see what they did there?) to create adverts for Siralan’s weird charter jet loyalty card thingy. Cue scenes of Tulip’s team in sitting in complete silence, patently failing to indulge in any style of thinking at all.

3. Samuel trying on a ridiculous bellhop outfit that made him look like Buttons from an xmas panto. Meanwhile, ubercocks Syed and Tulip practically creamed their pants at the chance to wear a pilot’s uniform.

4. The adverts that they created were comedy gold but I must have missed the part that said that they had to be filmed in the style of 1980s American soap opera. In Team Tulip’s ad, a man sits in a plane seat and starts rhythmically rubbing his thigh as though indulging in self-love. In Team Badger’s ad there was a hilariously porntastic scene where a bellhop comes to collect a woman’s cases and looks her up and down in a blatantly sexy way, later on the same woman is “surprised” when an air steward comes up behind her and slips her a glass of champagne. Hmm, yes I’m sure that’s not all he’s going to slip her.

5. Tulip dying on his arse with his lame and desperate “its like a magic trick” presentation, made to a huge room full of stony faced Saatchi Nathan Barleys who obviously hate him as much as I do. Later on there were more laffs aplenty as Mani, patron saint of making presentations, sulked after he was ignored in favour of Samuel, as Ruth Badger had obviously heard that his calendar presentation was a big dud.

6. Tulip slagging off his team for being rubbish, even though they later won. What a backstabbing bastard. He later managed to earn more “HATE” points by saying that he was the best one and was bound to win. Once again, Siralan and his rotten taste awarded the win to the team with the crappiest result. Ohs noes – La Badger cannot be fired!!

7. I love Ruth Badger’s constant display of truculent, aggressive, hacky facial expressions, eye rolls and sideways glances. She makes Chloe from 24 look like Doris Day!

8. Siralan saying that he thought Team Badger’s advert had been mixed up with Nick’s copy of “Debbie Does Dallas”. Ruth pulled a hilariously quizzical expression and Nick cracked up a bit before regaining his normal stony face.

9. In the boardroom it is Mani vs Badger full on gladiatorial combat ashtey argue about whether the “concierge” in the ad was metaphorical, metonymic or literal! Mani said that Ruth wais “authoritarian”, Ruth “What’s that supposed to mean?” Mani “Look it up in a dictionary! I don’t have time to explain it to you!” Ruth “Oh, he’s patronising and a dick!” (I made up the part re being a dick btw). Later on Ruth told off Mani for flapping his hands around in her personal space and there were accusations of “being aggressive”. I knew that Ruth would stand her ground and not let herself be steam rolled like drippy Alexa or Ben.

10. Siralan quotes a really smarmy self regarding excerpt from Mani’s CV and says that he has gone from “anchor to wanker” (tee hee) and is fired! Hurrah!

Next week: they have to sell second hand cars and Jo is told off for being rubbish. Could this be the end for the spiral permed mentalist?