EUROVISION: MAKING YOUR MIND UP

The horror that is Eurovision swings round again with the ominous regularity of a Michael Myers stab fest on Halloween. Before the actual song contest however, the UK must choose which lucky artist will not get any votes because all the Eastern European countries are voting for and against each other in complex patterns that date back to the days of Tsarist Russia.

The hosts are Sir Terry “Tex” Wogan (doing his veiled mockery routine) and Natasha Kaplinsky, wearing a rather shiny red dress. The panel of experts (whom Tex insults by claiming that they are the 3rd or 4th choice after any real music experts pulled out) are Jonathan Ross, who is doing weird things with his hair nowadays; the camp Italian judge from Strictly Come Dancing who is too shouty and annoying; Kelly Osbourne, looking rather pallid with a huge blonde bob and Fearne Cotton, who is very pretty but looks like she has been dragged through a hedge backwards. Would it really have taken that long to brush your hair Fearne, eh? Would it?

The audience seems a bit rowdy and hysterical and appears to consist entirely of gay men. No surprise there then.

On to the acts:

GORAN KAY:
Characterless nerd who looks, as Jonathan Ross says, like a cross between the new Doctor Who and Edwina Curry and who sings a totally forgettable song in a wobbly voice whilst making pained facial expressions. Oh make it stop please. The only excitement is provided by three dance vixens who writhe around in light boxes like ladies from a James Bond title sequence before breaking out and being joined by two hunky boy dancers. Not a hope in hell of getting through and the panel alternate between damning him with faint praise and patronising him for being so plucky and giving it his best etc.

KYM MARSH:
Her out of Hear’say, currently rocking a severe bob and too much eye make-up. Kym wears a smart black evening dress and sings a power ballad. It is inoffensive and competent and she is a good singer and all, but the song is totally forgettable. The panel say that she is too classy for Eurovision and I agree. Also too boring and forgettable.

DAX SAMPSON:
Oh Jesus, what the hell is this! A middle aged bloke who looks like a builder, with awful gappy teeth and a hideous bleached denim ensemble, comes on stage and raps about teenagers, whilst a bunch of jailbaity girls in school uniform prance around a classroom set and sing the chorus, also about being a teenager. What is worse is that it is actually catchy! It is all so sick and wrong that it actually goes through the black hole of awfulness and emerges in a parallel universe of “being quite good”. It is also certainly memorable and will stand out with the teen girl gimmick. Eurovision loves a gimmick. The panel seem quite enthusiastic but wonder how a rap will do in Europe. Well, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing Romanian and Albanian music television and all the male popstars look like ugly middle aged builders and do shit rapping! It will go down a storm. Afterwards Dax says something to the crowd about wanting to make a difference and represent for the hip hop nation or something. Shut up, Dax!

CITY CHIX:
Two teenage girls who act in Scotland’s favourite soap! Scotland has its own TV programmes? How quaint and adorable! They are both quite pretty and seem nice but in my mind it is like watching Sonia “Moomintroll” Fowler and Vickney “What the hell is that accent supposed to be??” Fowler singing on stage. The song is an TaTu/Avril-ish light rock number and is not bad but the girl’s voices are a bit weak. They get better as they go along though. Again, it’s alright but not very memorable. More patronising from the panel.

FOUR STORY:
Four ugly middle aged blokes who do boring close harmony singing whilst wearing grey suits that are so shiny you could use them to signal to passing aeroplanes if you were stranded on a desert island. They sing a boring “Boyz II Men” type song and no-one is at all bothered or interested.

ANTHONY COSTA:
Yes, it is the fat one out of Blue. First “I’m a CeleBrity” and now this! What a great career trajectory. He’ll be co-presenting a clip show on FTN at this rate!
He says his song is motown inspired but this is a lie as it just a v average pop song. The gimmick is provided by two backing singers dressed up like Jackie Kennedy (though not splattered with brains and bone fragments unfortunately). It is alright and the best of the forgettable none-Dax songs we have heard so far. His Blue fanbase might make the difference – we predict it is going to be a battle between him and Dax (but we hope that Dax will win).

Finally the Greek lady who won last year comes on to sing her winning entry again. Her hair is very flat. Javine also shows up - this year in a dress that manages to contain her bosoms. She chats about her forthcoming role in the Boney M musical and talks about "forthcoming recording projects" in an unconvinced voice. There is something about Javine that makes me think she would cut you if you gave her "evils" - she would have been a good replacement Sugababe.

THE RESULTS SHOW:
My eyes! Natasha has changed into a black lacy dress that looks like a lampshade! There is a right bunch of no-marks giving out the results from the regions: Michelle MacManus! Rusty Lee! Maggot from Big Brother! My boyfriend is very glad that Zoe “Red Hand of Ulster” Salmon is not giving the result from Norn Ireland (long story...) – instead it is some old bloke.

The results arrive in a vaguely haphazard pattern. Anthony and Dax take it in turns to come first and second and Kym and Cytiiy Chykxx take it in turns to come third and fourth (the Chicx get “douze points” from Scotland of course). Goran and Bore Snorey take it in turns to get two and nul points each. One of Four Appall-me looks v v angry, like he is going to stab someone any second. That's what you get for being rubbish! In the end Dax wins. Ha ha ha – I knew it! If only we had placed a bet at 9/2. Kym looks like she doesn’t care (and is joined on the couch by Jaymee from Eastenders – who appears to be younger than he was when he left the show years ago) but Anthony looks gutted. Derek Ancona and Celebrity Enema Thrills are calling your name, Anthony!

Dax performs again and his performance does not make any more sense than it did last time. Oh well, at least we’ve picked something that will vaguely stand out – it will either die like a dog or do really, really well!!