APPRENTICE: MIRIAM 2: ELECTRIC BOOBS-ALOO

This week they had the “buy ten things at a discount for the least cash possible” task. I don’t really like that one as it basically involves hours of people harassing shopkeepers who do not deserve that kind of thing; weedling, begging and making me cringe.

Crazy Jo was the PM of the women’s team and immediately made everyone hate her by saying that there would be no messing around, that she had eyes and ears in the back of her head and then ranting on about the goddamn cat calendar task again. Let it go, Jo! Move on! They then spent three hours farting round with flipcharts and “planning”, even though they had to get everything by 6 pm.

Syed was in charge of the men and was slightly more organised. They had a brief planning session and then split into two teams and each set off to buy items. Syed is still cocky but much less of a cockfarmer these days. Tuan, Samuel and Mani are still completely useless (in ascending order of dickishness) and Ansell still seems sensible without actually doing anything particularly impressive (like Tim last time).

This week my hatred is reserved for Paul Tulip, who is revealing himself to be a smarmy little shit. His genius idea was to pretend that he was getting married and to get money off things that way (he obv has never seen that crappy sketch show where “wedding” items are automatically 5 x the price of identical “non wedding” items). At one point they had bought some silk after a long spiel about how his imaginary girlfriend wanted a specific type of silk for a specific price etc etc. (Something tells me that Tulip is good at inventing imaginary girlfriends btw). As they left, the shop owner wished him good luck with the wedding and Tulip said “whatever” in a really patronising way. Ooo, aren’t you clever for mocking someone who believed the line of bullshit you span him, you little sociopath. Tulip’s “card is marked” with me. That’s for certain.

When the women finally got under way they also split into two teams with Jo, Icy Lawyer Karen and Toyota Alexa in one team. The other team consisted of awesome Ruth Badger, the Scottish one with the “Gail Port-ah” type accent and the northern one with glasses, all of whom were united in their loathing of Jo. They were supposed to phone Jo before they bought anything but blatantly ignored her and tried to hang up on her whenever she phoned to rabbit endlessly on at them (cue scenes of Jo muttering to herself and rocking backwards and forwards etc). They ran around and bought 7 of the items on the list while Team Jo wasted hours wandering aimlessly round Camden looking for a dinner jacket. They were having trouble getting the last item (a tire) so Jo phoned Team Badger at like 5.30 and told them to get it and be back at the boardroom by 6. Ruth Badger’s look of pure hatred was hysterically funny to behold (and also a little scary), as was the bout of top quality swearing from all three women that followed: (“What the fuck did she say? She’s fucking joking, If she was fucking here right now I’d fuck her fucking fuck in. What the fuck have they been doing all fucking day etc.”).

6 pm rolled around and the women managed to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory and not get the tire. They lost by £8, including a £154 penalty for the tire – so if they had got the tire they would have won by miles! The men won a dull looking “going to the races prize” but one of the women is going to be fired!


The men tooled around at the race course and placed bets etc. At one point Syed made some innocuous comment about the horse in “lane 4” and all the others brayed with laughter as though he said the most ridiculous thing possible. Shut up, you dongers. Oh my god! I can’t believe I am defending Syed! If you had said that to me three weeks ago I’d have told you to piss off!

Jo brought Toyota Alexa and Icy Lawyer Karen into the boardroom and said that her leadership must have worked because Team Badger did so well. Siralan suggested that this argument was bullshit (ie that people who totally ignored her succeeded!) and that she ought to think of another one. Jo then said that she was acting less mental than last time – hmmm, I beg to differ – and said it was all Karen’s fault that they had failed with the tire. Karen looked smirky and incredulous. I suspect editing shenanigans re this point so it’s hard to say who was right. Siralan accused Toyota Alexa of being too busy with flipcharts, too young and mousy and of not being good at anything. Alexa gave the usual spiel about wanting a chance to prove herself, which worked so well for Raj last time. He accused Karen of wasting time bargaining for an item that wasn’t even in stock (fair point) and accused her of being too flirty (probably still remembering sex-for-fruit-gate from week one) In the end Siralan said that he liked Jo’s moxy and that Karen hadn’t stood up for herself and was fired! Oh my god! I can see why he might have had problems with Karen but Toyota Alexa is useless and Jo is MENTAL!!! I don’t know… Maybe he just doesn’t like tall, posh, self possessed women (see Miriam last year) . Siralan then made some dopy comment about not needing another lawyer, as he’s got Margaret, who is a great lawyer but couldn’t sell a box of matches. Margaret’s facial expression said “Thanks a lot, fuckface! At least I didn’t come up with the emailer telephone!” Excellent!

Next week: The teams are mixed (I pray that Jo and her arch nemesis Ruth Badger are in the same team) and have to do a cooking task. Oh I love those – comedy gold! Samuel has a bratty fit and starts ranting about fuck ups, while making pizza! Hopefully he cries again too! Someone is a light weight and is fired (though they used that clip last week too – cheats!)