ROMEWATCH

This week was a bit rubbish, with many unbelievable coincidences and random plot shenanigans.

Ceasar finally confronts Pompey in battle. Even though Pompey has, like, zillions more men than Ceasar he still manages to lose somehow. The battle scene takes about three seconds and is re-enacted by a cast of several, and later on Pompey explains how he got his ass kicked by drawing a diagram on the floor with a stick. I’m not sure where they spent their multi million pound budget but it certainly wasn’t in this episode. Next thing you know, Pompey is disguised as a merchant, hanging round with a bloke with a metal nose and trying to get to Egypt without any soldiers or anything, and Brutus and Cicero are sucking up to Ceasar. It is all a bit disjointed.

Meanwhile, Jullii Cooper’s daughter and Servalan randomly start lezzing it up. Eh?

Also meanwhile, Pullo and Vorenus miss the big battle because they are shipwrecked on a desert island. Really. They escape by building a raft out of bloated corpses. Mmm, I bet that smells almost as nice as the P&O ferry from Harwich to Zeebrugge. Also, believable much? They get washed up right next to Pompey and decide not to arrest him, because he is already a pathetic loser. When Ceasar finds out, he is not very pleased but daren’t punish the blokes as they are obviously blessed by the Gods of Plot Contrivance. It doesn’t matter much anyway, because as soon as Pompey gets to Egypt he is murdered to death by some random bloke on a beach. Oh well.