ARSE FACTOR

I managed to not watch this at all last series, which is just as well given that the smarmy looking winner bloke has completely vanished without trace. Unfortunately I actually got sucked into it this time round as (a) my boyfriend’s housemates watch it and (b) it is repeated on Sunday morning when nothing else is worth watching. Hangover TV a go go.

Oh how annoying it is – first of all the judges are beyond irritating with their carefully scripted banter and conflict and their carefully delineated personas – Simon = grumpy one, Sharon = saucy but nurturing one. Louis = wet rubbish one.

Also I used to hate it when the two losers had to reperform a song and the judges had to give them advice. The advice from these seasoned industry professionals mainly consisted of such gems as “Just do your best and put your heart into it.” Gee thanks a lot, Simon. I never would have thought of that. Thank God I have all your years of industry experience on my side to deliver such incisive advice that no-one else could possibly have thought of. Idiots.

Also the “drama” of the three judges choosing who is dumped is a pile of shit too and a big slap in the face to everyone who bothers voting. The judges should just write down the name of the LOSER on a bit of paper and all hold them up at once a la Weakest Link.

I hate a lot of the contestants too.

Chico is basically the Cheeky girls melted down and remoulded as a male stripper who performs for hen parties in Croydon.

The Conway sisters. Ha ha ha ha. Every week they grimly karaoke-ed their way through some forgettable Wilson Phillips type song, with a non-winning combination of wobbly harmonies and weak individual vocal parts. Only kept around to weaken the competition for the judges’ favourites.

Journey South. Who is voting for these two and are they supposed to brothers or gay lurvers or what? There is a disturbingly blank faced one who looks like an Auton and a rough one that inexplicably reminds me of Orville the Duck. They sing insipid adult oriented rock songs whilst jangling on a guitar that should more correctly be used to batter them over the head.

Andy sang at a mate’s wedding in the summer so I’m not allowed to say anything bad about him.

Brenda should have won as she has a fantastic voice and is a great performer. Shane is cute (but not that cute – lads like him are ten a penny on Old Compton St) and has quite a versatile voice. I think he will be the winner but what kind of career will he have? A string of increasingly pointless cover versions? (Unchained Melody again? oh good. That song is still reeling from being savagely assaulted by Gareth Gates and Robson und Jerome). If his manager had any sense he could be turned into a kind of Brit Justin Timberlake but who is going to come up with a bunch of cracking original songs for him to record?