Random thoughts on LOST

Could C4 have hyped this programme any more? no, they could not. I thought it was OK but nothing special - it all seemed very cliched and generic. Still, I have heard it improves over the next few weeks and will carry on watching for now.

Dr Jack is fit but has a suspiciously squeaky voice. I still wouldn’t say no, though. It was very annoying when he ran round saving everyone for ages and generally acted all super and heroic – I am looking forward to finding out what his secret shame is and hope he is not so square-jawed and lunkish for the whole series. It was also annoying that his photogenic scratches did not change colour the whole time he was on the island. Hello, make up people! It’s called “blood clotting!” look into it!

There is a hobbit amongst the survivors, but for some reason he is pretending to be a has-been rock star. His character’s name is Charlie and he is apparently addicted to charlie! OMG – do you see what they did there?!? I’m looking forward to the episode where he goes cold turkey and wanders round clutching himself muttering “I’m jonesing real bad, man. Etc”. Then I expect he will gaze off into space and there will be a flashback about his drug shame. Those flashbacks are so cheesy (esp with the staring etc) - if only they had a wibbly wobbly screen fade too. The hobbit had the thankless role of having to trip over while being chased by a MONSTER. Normally they make chicks do the the falling over thing, so that's progress for you, I suppose. To go with the hobbit there is a cheap version of Aragorn (ie a square jawed bloke with stringy blond hair and a scrubby beard). Robin has met him in real life and says that he is smoking hot – I will have to take her word for it.

Naveen Andrew is quite nice looking but his hair is rotten. Somehow I don’t think they encouraged members of Saddam’s Elite Republican Guard to ponce around like Diana Ross. The one who played Dawson’s hot gay friend in “Rules of Attraction” is also quite nice looking but his hair is also rotten. Why does the Lost hair dept hate me so? What have I ever done to them?

I recognise that angry Korean dude from 24, where he was a CTU squad commander helping Jack Bauer carry out one of those harebrained schemes that probably ended up with all of the important witnesses dying in a hail of gunfire. Good one, Jack. I think his plot will revolve around his wife becoming empowered etc – she’s already undone the top button of her cardy against his express orders, the hussy.

I am not sure what to make of the giant invisible bitey monster. It is all very “Forbidden Planet” and I will not be surprised at all if Terry Quinn snaps and starts running round yelling “Creatures of the Id! Creatures of the Id!” Also, Mr Annoying Narrator from Oz - is it really wise to let your son become too pally with the murderous protaganist of the Stepfather films? I think not.

Main girl character is supposed to be some kind of master criminal, but you can tell she is really a goody so I expect she did something like rescue a bunch of puppies from an evil vivisection lab, or stole from the rich to give to the poor or something. Perhaps if I stare into space hard enough I can generate a flashback and find out for myself...

BB6: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY CRAIG?

Big Brother got cool again briefly when evil gay dwarf Craig could no longer control his obsessive love for orange dance-freak AnTHony. AnTHony is, of course, a straight and so was not really interested in Craig but did not want to hurt his feelings by telling him to leave him alone. We ended up with the painful/watchable situation where Craig could only get attention from Anthony by either picking a fight with him/accusing him of obscurely wronging him somehow (ie, not “sticking up” for him in a discussion, not thanking him with sufficient ardour for making a cup of tea, A telling C to shut up after C has been pestering A non stop for hours with questions about his penis, etc etc). A typical day would start off with Craig gibbering on like an idiot, AnTHony eventually losing his temper to tell him to shut up, Craig running into the garden to shudder with sobs and moan “It’s tearing me apart!”, AnTHony feeling bad and giving him a hug, Craig glowing with love that he has been hugged, return to step one and repeat). Seriously, it makes “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” look like that sitcom with Judi Dench. Craig is acting like the worst kind of torturing, passive aggressive, clingy boy/girlfriend and poor AnTHony wasn’t even getting laid to make up for it!

A particular highlight of the most Tortured Relationship on TV occurred when AnTHony got paralytically drunk and Craig basically tried to molest him. That is Not Cool, Craig. There was also edifying footage of Craig staring at AnTHony while he was asleep and, um, pleasuring himself vigorously. Class. I also enjoyed the part when AnTHony told Craig that he kept staring at him like Myra Hindley. I was hoping that everyone would wear Myra Hindley masks for Craig’s eviction but was sadly disappointed.

What makes it even funnier is that Craig is a complete delusionoid who is constantly denies ACTUAL REALITY THAT WE HAVE SEEN ON TV!!!! He says that no-one could possibly think he is gay (even though he has talked about having gay sex loads of times. Plus, just look at the state of him) He says that no-one has any reason for thinking he fancies AnTHony (see above). Also he thinks that he looks Brazilian. If he looks Brazilian then I look Inuit!! I laughed like a loon when Craig was evicted, even ahead of desperate attention whore Kinga. Oh schadenfreude – you taste so good!!

Apprentice USA: Crimes of Fashion

This week wasn’t as bitch-tastic as previously, basically because the women did well and didn’t have to find another sacrificial victim (though that didn’t stop them being mean to Elizabeth a lot (she seems alright, if a bit whiny) and sending the unpopular girls off to talk to shop people while the popular girls had lunch with a fashion designer and “brainstormed”). Also that evil Stacey wasn’t in it very much. The task was to create a fashion line with a designer – the one who sold the most clobber to store buyers after a fashion show would win! Blinking maniac Maria led the girls’ team (and selected an affable young male designer to work with) and Cute John led the boys’ team (and selected an intense german looking woman with a crewcut and mad staring eyes. Ruh roh). The designers basically did all the work while the teams flapped around and got in their way. The best part was when the men went to help chose fabrics. John basically sat in a corner and wept while the other dorks wandered around the cloth shop picking out hideous swaths of white nylon covered in pink giant polka dots. The designer was giving them death looks and Ice Maiden Carolyn was absolutely cracking up. It was nice to see her express human emotion for once.

The women made up their garments without much trouble and then all tried them on and pranced around squealing “Gawd! I feel so fabulous!” The men pestered their designer (especially this one called Raj, a preppy dork who always wears retarded bow ties) and got lots more death looks while she was trying to make the clothes – I don’t think she was as well organised as the other designer. John and his mates fucked off to letch over models and left two other guys to price the lines. Raj was even worse when the models arrived and tried to impress them by speaking German. “Raj ist ein Dumpkopf, ja!” “ Ja! Das stimmt!” etc. The fashion show came around and the clothes were borderline hideous – some of them quite nice individually but all put together in weird combinations. Maybe ladies will disagree with me? There was this dark red blouse that was quite nice but anyway... It turned out the men had seriously overpriced their stuff and the women sold three times more clothes than them. Ouch!

Loser John chose to take two people into the boardroom with him – this young guy called Andy that the others all pick on and one of the people who messed up the pricing. It would have been more sensible to take both the pricing guys and Raj, who was a dick of the highest order. John was criticised for picking an odd mix of people for the boardroom, for picking designer Ilsa – She Wolf of the Pret a Porter, and generally for being a bit crap (which he was). Buh Bye John – you are fired! It is a shame he had to go before he got a chance to answer the Donald–Fone with his shirt off but never mind...

Melrose Place Apocalypse

In the last few episodes, loads of incredibly random things happen, all of which lead up into the most insane season finale I have ever seen. Seriously, it makes 24 look like an Open University program about organic chemistry.

After stumbling along like a wounded dog all season, Mancini Designs finally goes into liquidation. Jane displays hitherto invisible reserves of moxy by barging into a D&D meeting to speak to the director of a famous fashion house. The best part is when she pushes Amanda against a wall so she can chase the bloke into a lift – they cut away just as Heather Locklear starts cracking up. Jane gets a job and immediately starts (a) bitching that no-one knows that the clothes are being designed by her! Jane Mancini! (what an ungrateful bitch) and (b) shagging the handsome young director, even though he is supposed to be going out with the famous, harridan, past it, designer lady who founded the company.

Alison finally realises that she has been shipped to Hong Kong (which looks more like a Shaw Brothers film set than actual real life HK, by the way) as part of an evil plot for Charlotte to marry Billy. She resigns and heads home but will she arrive in time to stop the wedding? Charlotte tries to bring the wedding forward, all the sooner to model her hideous, backless, halter neck wedding dress. Charlotte’s dad takes Billy to one side and says that if he doesn’t make his precious princess happy, he will utterly destroy him. Do it! Do it! Alison arrives just as they are taking the vows (Amanda pulls a hilarious WTF? face) and starts whimpering at Billy not to do it. (Charlotte: “Don’t listen to her! She’s an obsessive alcoholic!” ha ha ha). Billy tells Alison to sod off so she goes home (after calling Jane a traitor for going to the wedding) and starts necking neat vodka from a litre bottle. Mmmm, vodka.

Dr Peter pops up again (with different horrid hair) and offers to bail out Dr Michael if Dr Michael will change his story so that Dr Peter won’t go to prison and be struck off the medical register. Dr Michael instantly agrees, because he is a weasel. Dr Peter starts going out with Kimberly for some reason, but Kimberley is jealous because she thinks he is still chasing after Amanda. Sydney teams up with Dr Michael to spy on Kimberley and prove that she is crazy. She goes to see K for a medical check up and narrowly escapes being stabbed by pair of scissors when Evil Beardy Inner Demon pops up again and carries on with the “Kill them all!” routine. Syd then breaks into Kimberleys motel and finds her hilarious “all the cast must die!” stalker wall of defaced photographs. The police won’t do anything though because Dr M and Sydney are both felons themselves. Dr Kimberley tries to resist Inner Demon Bloke but in the end decides that yes, killing them all is the way to go. She produces some dynamite, petrol and a radio controlled detonator (complete with dramatic red buttons) from SOMEWHERE and goes over to the flats to rig them up to explode. Oh, this makes no sense at all. Sydney follows her into the basement and gets knocked out and tied up, so Kimberley can explain her evil plot like a Bond villain. She threatens Syd with a blow torch and makes her lure Dr Michael over with her giant brick-like cell phone.

It turns out that Gay Matt’s hunky doctor lovah is only stringing him along so he can frame him for the murder of his wife. Hunky Doctor: “Why did you do it, you disgusting pervert?” Matt: “You set me up, god dammit!” Actually, Matt may be better off in prison given the quality of dates he has been getting on the outside.

Jo realises that Jake’s no-good brother is, um, no good when he savagely beats her up when she declines his wedding proposal and then tells her to tidy the kitchen and start cooking his tea. What a catch! When Jake finds out he goes to the building site where Brother works and starts with the fisticuffs. They thrash around a bit and then both take a dive off the half-completed building. The camera follows them half way to the ground and then… CLIFFHANGER! (Actually that is a rubbish cliffhanger, unless Jake’s incredible hotness somehow starts to negate the force of gravity).

OK, so Billy and Charlotte have popped back to their flat after the wedding for some rumpo. Alison is crying into her vodka in her flat and crossing out “Billy 4 Alison 4eva” from the front of her trapper keeper. Jane, Fashion Bloke and Amanda are helping Jo until the ambulance arrives (Harridan Designer Lady shows up for a Dramatic Confrontation too). Dr Peter has been lured to the flats by a mysterious note that he thinks comes from Amanda. Dr Michael goes into the basement and is almost knocked out by Kimberley. They fight and Dr Michael wins and frees Sydney. They both run upstairs leaving Kimberly with the detonator. Seriously, they are too stupid to live. Basically, the whole cast is there apart from Jake and Gay Matt. They run around, getting everyone out of the flats so that everyone is milling around in the courtyard when Kimberley emerges, smiles demonically, presses the big red button and … CLIFFHANGER!!!

Well that was a lot of fun - a non stop parade of unlikeable characters doing completely illogical things, very dated fashion, high speed plots that last three episodes (really, the entire season of "desperate Housewives would have fitted into two episodes of MP) and normally end in death marriage or imprisonment. roll ont he next series!