PLAYING IT STRAIGHT
CAPTAIN! SOMEONE IS JAMMING OUR GAYDAR!
We ended up watching “Playing It Straight” more out of apathy more than anything. The premise sounded vaguely offensive, the show is full of filler and the musical interludes and kitschy transition scenes are toe curlingly awful. Even worse, it is presented by Queen of Shoutiness June Sarpong. However, after three weeks we are completely hooked and even set the video for it when we went out last Friday night.

The basic premise is that a girl (personality lite PA Zoë) is put in a Mexican Hacienda with ten “rippling” “hunks”. Every week she evicts two of them and then picks one as her favourite in the end. The twist is that five of the men are gay, and if she picks a gayer as her favourite he keeps all the prize money for himself (one hundred thousand pounds!! that’s a lot of Diesel tops and ketamine!!). If she picks a straight boy, they split the money between them. So far, so ordinary. The genius however lies in the casting as all the blokes selected could very easily be gay. Any lingering irritation at the format (gay men win by lying and cheating, straight men win by being manly and honest) is banished by the way the program dispels stereotypes and shows how hard it is to really tell. There is wider range of gay men on this program than in the rest of the year’s TV output to date.

In the first week, Poor dim Zoë managed to evict two straight boys (a super camp, bronzed and moisturised Versace sales assistant and another lad who owned hair straighteners). In the second week she managed to identify one gay but evicted another straight bloke (on the grounds that he had a pierced nipple and some pastel coloured t-shirts. More to the point, she didn’t particularly fancy him). In week three, two more hunks arrived, one of whom was gay and one of whom was straight. She evicted one of the newcomers (who never actually revealed which team he batted for) and another gay – a cute, super obvious South African bloke who found the whole experience so moving that he cried when he was packing his bags. There are six boys left now of which two (or possibly three – see below) are straight. I’m going to try and guess the identity of the remaining straights and then everyone can look back and laugh at how rubbish I am when all is finally revealed.

Ben
In the same way that Versace Bloke was so queeny that he just had to be straight. Ben is so butch and straight acting that he just has to be gay. He is a tanned, overgelled east end builder with a hairy chest and tattoos. He always talks about beating people up and getting into fights and so on. Get you, Mary. Etc. Seriously, lads like him are ten a penny in Benjys (the East End nightclub, not the sandwich bar, London readers). He totally puts the “trade” in “tradesman”. Zoë does not seem to have twigged that the producers are messing with her head and is bound to keep him til the last minute because he is cheeky and she fancies him for some reason.

Verdict: Gay Gay Gay as Gay can Gay.

Blonde Danny
Danny is a skinny, very young (he looks like he’s about twelve) model with long blonde hair. As with Lee, I think they have put him to confuse Zoë’s fragile tiny mind and make her think he is gay on account of his modelling and girly appearance – he is quite straight acting though and seems to act naturally with Zoë, so I am thinking he is one of the remaining straights. Zoë quite likes him so she has a chance if she keeps him around.

Verdict: Straight

Dark Danny
This Danny is tanned and lean with short dark hair and big brown eyes. He is hot hot hot, until you notice his surly demeanor and dead, cold eyes. Oh, who am I kidding, I would still give him one. Zoë completely fancies his ass and is bound to keep him around unless she actually catches him in bed, naked, with another man. With his big arms, wide range of sleeveless tops and generally suspicious attitude, I am guessing that he is gay. After winning some kind of task, he got to spend the night in Zoe’s tent and the editing etc seemed to imply that some saucy shenanigans had occurred. “How far would a gay man go for £100,000?” said June, suspiciously. “All the way!” shouted everyone at home, knowingly.

Verdict: Gay. Should be gay even if he is straight, on account of smouldering hotness. If he says he is straight he is totally fooling himself, etc

Alex and Johnny:
Alex is a riddle wrapped in a conundrum, marinated in an enigma. He is vaguely Italian looking, has got long greasy hair and a big Desperate Dan style chin. My boyfriend thinks he is quite nice looking but I think he is dogville. Johnny is kind of average looking, with very short hair. I am considering these two in one paragraph as they are the most boring and also the most enigmatic. At first glance I would say that Johnny is the gay, just on account of his short hair and the way he dresses, but yet again the sneaky producers could have found a super straight acting gay bloke (Alex) and another vaguely camp straight bloke (Johnny). It’s a mystery, as Toyah once sang.

Verdict: Alex is straight, unless Johnny turns out to be straight, in which case Alex is gay – it’s like Schrodingers Cat, but sexxxyyyy!

Wild cards! Lee and Marco
These are the two new boys who were introduced in the third week. Marco is a very well groomed anglo-italian and Lee is a blond who has tried to disguise his totally gay haircut by not shaving for a few days. Marco was soon discovered to have a manicure kit but I think he is straight on account of how is an arrogant cockfarmer, arrogant in a very straight way. Lee was quieter but let himself down when he said he goes to the gym a lot but isn’t a muscle mary – would a straight boy even know that expression? Zoë evicted him but he said he couldn’t reveal his sexuality so as to keep Marco’s a secret. Zoë was gutted. Doh!

Verdict: Zoë made the right choice – Marco is the straight.

I’ll be revisiting this program in the coming weeks to see how I did. Let’s hope I have more of a clue than Zoë!