HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
THIS OLE CRAP
It's Round Two of the Scariest Comeback Show on Earth and tonight they appear to have given the audience free Pepsi Max and ditched the dancers (maybe Cat Deeley wanted them back for Stars in Their Eyes).

Vernon's love bites seem to have healed and tonight he is rocking the 80s with the Shiny Basildon Building Society Clerk suit. It's like a glitter ball on legs!

SHAKING STEVENS
It's Vic Reeves! I swear! "Shakey" performs "This Ole House" rather flat and forgets the words, but it doesn't matter because the air is shrill with the singalong shrieks of over-excited ladies of a certain age. Chris de Burgh appears to be playing left-handed guitar. Someone throws knickers.

Since he was last famous, Shakey has spent his time looking for the perfect black hair dye, starring in Peter Kay/Tony Christie hit vids, talking to "Kid" Jensen and re-editing his old videos.

For his modern song, he takes on Pink very noisily and very messily. Polite applause.

VERDICT: Kill me now. Actually no, kill him first.

JAKI GRAHAM
Oh THAT Jaki Graham! Dressed in a rather scary leather mini and jacket, she's off before the backing tape has started rolling. Proper belter of a voice, this one.Well, she's got a new project on the go, and her daughter is now her manager - beats working I suppose.

Daughter chose "Your Game" for the modern song, and Jaki shows what happens to an OK pop song when a proper singer gets hold of it. I didn't even mind the dancers dressed as a gospel choir waving their arms in the background.

VERDICT: OK, she's from Birmingham, not Croydon. But I like her.

BELINDA CARLISLE
All I can think of her performance is that she decided to pretend that she was French and sing flat. Can she hear herself? Anyway, she's filled out nicely, and we reckon she's had work done on her face.

After her smash hit career, Belinda retired to France and is a French history buff, it says here. She's very happy and doesn't want to be famous again or something like that...

The modern song is "The Scientist". It takes a lot to make me feel sorry for Chris Martin. Poor sod.

VERDICT: Sur le prochaine Eurostar chez elle, je reckon.

HADDAWAY
Only vaguely remembered him in the 90s, and only vaguely remember his performance this morning. He stayed in tune and was a bit creepy.

Apparently lives in Germany and he's a voiceover artist for cartoons and stuff. Brr!

"Toxic". Messy. And not half as sinister as Britters' version. My god, there's a woman in the audience with major 80s hair.

VERDICT: Please no.

Dr AND THE MEDICS
My god they're even worse than I remember. Somebody who looks like Keith Flint's less talented brother does a Grim Reaper visual gag. Not laughing.

Somebody allowed Dr to impregnate her at least four times. He lives with his mutant family in Wales. Apparently they get around 90 gigs a year. That's at least 30 more than Chesney...

Then they do "Let Me Entertain You". Keith just prances around for this one and Dr wears a Union Jack frock coat, which excites the audience. Not entertained.

VERDICT: The studio audience liked them, but I put that down to too many sugary drinks and the promise of free Viagra.

And the winner is...SHAKEY! Fear the power of the Lady-in-Davros-chair vote!