HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
I THINK WE'RE INSANE NOW
Welcome to Lite Entertainment Hell! Listless studio audience? Check!Vernon Kay dressed in a polo neck and mohair suit, prancing aroundlike Austin Powers' idiot nephew? Check! Garish set (with "HiT Me BaByOnE MoRe TiMe" written in vari-sized letters around the stage)? Check!

Annoying "dun dun dun dun" type music that is played whenever anyone talks, to try and give the illusion of excitement? Check!

GLORIA GAYNOR
The UN Appointed Queen of Disco is first. She comes on stage to sing"I Will Survive", wearing a monochrome poncho-dress combo and withFarrah-esque hair. She looks pretty good. Hmm, the song is, of course, classic but Gloria's voice is missing a certain something so it is all a bit below par.

The super-gay looking Hit Me Baby Dance Troupe are in ecstasy to be dancing with their Disco Heroine.

Before she comes back, they tell us what she has been doing since shewas last famous - shopping for shoes and discovering God, all whilst wearing a fantastic leather coat (imagine Pat Butcher meets the Matrix).

She doesn't sing a Kylie song, as I had been led to believe, (perhaps they realised that Kylie songs are designed for people who can't sing very well) and instead sings a disco version of Xtina Aguilera's "Beautiful". Halfway through, the dancers start doing all these weird balletic moves. What's that all about? You aren't auditioning for Flashdance! It is certainly better than Xtina's "fifteen notes per syllable" version but again her voice could be better. Oh well.

VERDICT: Strangely disappointing but I love her anyway.

HOWARD JONES
Howard spent the 80's sporting various dodgy spiky hair/dorky hat combos. He comes on stage with short bleached hair and "trendy social worker" style threads to sing "What is Lo-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ove Anyway?" He has a bizarre synth/guitar type thing strapped to him, which can't be a good sign, and jams away at a Jean-Michelle Jarre style Huge Bank of Synthesisers for a bit before having a cockfighting axe war with his guitarist in the instrumental break.

There's no excuse for that shit! The bassist bloke is wearing a black pleather A-line kilt and knee high bootees. Nice.

Inexcusably there is no mime artist/interpretive dancer! How the hell am I supposed to know what the song is about without someone to interpret it for me!

For his modern song he sings "White Flag" by Dido. Way to make everyone hate you, Howard. He sits at a grand piano like he is in Vegas, singing through his nose whilst squinting and making constipated faces.

VERDICT: No dancing gimp = no love from me.

HONEYZ
The Honeyz were apparently a successful R'n'B girl group who were once nominated for a Brit award. I bet The Supremes are quaking in their go go boots to hear that. I can't remember any of their songs but my boyfriend says he does.

One of the girls is either called "Heavenly" or "Beverley"?? Learn to speak properly, Vernon!

They come on in matching nighty type dresses to sing their biggest hit. Nope, still can't remember them.

For their modern hit they sing that Nickelback song. Honeyz + Nickelback? Does not compute! It is a brave choice but their version is lame anyway, with strings and pianos as well as "rocking" guitars. Not a great combination.

VERDICT: Honeyz? Who?-neyz more like.

LIMAHL
Let's face it, Limahl only ever had two successful singles, hence Vernon spends most of the time asking him about his wack hair. Limahl's hair is still wack but toned down somewhat and he is very leathery looking and sun damaged. Maybe he could front a public information campaign about the dangers of over tanning.

Oh dear. His voice is very weak. For some reason there are two lady podium dancers in the crowd, one of whom appears to be wearing a Laura Ashley mini dress. "Hey Girl, come a little closer!" croaks Limahl repeatedly, even though he is clearly gay

.He seems to have spent his time since he was famous sitting in his back garden and taking his cycling proficiency test. He says he likes not being famous anymore. Shyeah right.

For his modern number he sings the first Maroon 5 single. See Howard Jones re not covering songs that make me instantly hate you. His voice is better on this one but is still no great shakes. When they give out the phone/text numbers he mimes the very acts of phoning or texting. Tool.

VERDICT: Too shite shite, hush hush, bye buh bye.

TIFFANY
The flashbacks to Tiffany's fame are a dizzying blur of big hair, distressed denim and huge blouson style jackets. Tiffany actually looks younger now than she did when she was 15, possibly because she has had herself laminated in the meantime.

She wears a blue Buffy-style strappy top, jeans and horrid silver boots to sing her immortal hit "I Think We're Alone Now". I am glad to see they have kept the echoey bits but Tiffany sadly doesn't do her crazy, hand jive, dance moves. Her voice is very good - definitely the best of the evening - and the audience love her.

After she stopped being famous, Tiffany went to the gym a lot and married a man with unfortunate hair. For her modern number she sings "Love Machine" and does a nifty cowboy version of it. Tiffany's voice is good but she struggles fitting in the lyrics in the super fast bits. The song is really designed to be sung by a group, I suppose. The HMB Dancers bust some mad hoe-down type moves but then start doing those weird ballet lifts again. Stop that!

VERDICT: Clear winner. The audience and "Voting Public" agree and Tiffany is the first through to the final. Go Tiffany!!

NEXT WEEK: Haddaway! Belinda Carlisle! Shakey! The horror!