HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME
WHO'S WHO?
Hit Me Baby One More Time - preamble for Popjustice.co.uk
Hmmm, this sounds like "Stars in my Eyes", except instead of "ordinary people" doing the songs it is "ordinary people who were briefly famous" doing the songs. They sing their best known song (which shouldn't be hard for some people to pick. Cough * Chesney Hawkes * cough) and a contemporary number, which has potential to be really embarrassing.

For a laugh, we decided to go through the list of contestants and see what we could remember about them, without looking them up on google or cheating in any way...

Haddaway
Mark: The name stirs faint recollections of a eurotrash version of MC Hammer, but maybe I am getting him mixed up with Colonel Abrahams (Is that even a real person?).

Sarah: Did he do that one where he whimpered "Baby don't hurt me" and did a strange pointy arms dance?

Not off to a great start.

Nathan Moore
Mark: I think he is the one from Brother Beyond. Recently had some "pimp my ride, no really" type trouble with the law for kerb crawling on his scooter. A scooter??? You're not going to be able to do much on the back seat of a scooter.

Sarah: I suppose you could do a standy-uppy on a scooter, but I'd be worried that it'd fall over.

Mica Paris
Mark: The Beverley Knight/Michelle Gayle/Jamelia of yesteryear. (ie had one good song then headed to dumpsville) I'm sure she has a nice voice but I can't remember any of her songs.

Sarah: Known "Friend of I'Anson". Last heard shouting at I'Anson when she got evicted from Sleb BB. She did have a nice voice, and she probably worked with Courtney Pine at some point during the 80s (they all did)

Sybil
Mark: Basil Fawlty's wife? No idea.

Sarah:Mrs Fawlty? Oh sorry, Mark's already done that one. No idea.

Nick Heyward
Mark: Is this the one out of Haircut 100 or the one who sang "Forever Autumn"? I am thinking it is the former. I always thought Haircut 100 were really overrated so I have no interest in his solo mewlings.

Sarah: The only thing I remember about Nick Heyward was his strange shouty nerd voice and lack of chin. And that he was, inexplicably, fancied by half the girls in my sixth form.

Gloria Gaynor
Mark: Fantastic purveyor of gay disco anthems. Much too good to be on this programme. I even liked those songs when I was going through my humourless straight edge punk phase.

Sarah: What is she doing here? She's a goddess

Junior
Mark: The British Michael Jackson, if the Jackster was a one hit wonder who looked like someone off a building society advert.

Sarah: I suppose he has to do something now that Richard Blackwood's career has gone the way of all flesh.

Princess
Mark: A Blue Peter pet? No idea.

Sarah: Princess who? Is she the token posho?

Doctor & The Medics
Mark: Dreary hippy/goth novelty act. I hope they do that Evanescence song as their "contemporary number", just because it will make teenage Goths cry.

Sarah: The hair...the horror...

Jaki Graham
Mark: A rubbish version of Chaka Khan? I'm not sure.

Sarah: There's a Croydon spelling if ever I saw one.

Howard Jones
Mark: Anaemic 80s pop whiner who was briefly very popular in the early 80s. Now I get him mixed up in my head with Nik Kershaw. I am praying to God and the little baby Jesus that he brings his mime artist/interpretive dancer onto the programme with him.

Sarah: Another crap hair person. He's nowhere if he doesn't bring the gimp.

911
Mark: forgettable boy band, possibly made up entirely of "ugly ones"

Sarah: I must confess I did google this lot and found a poster of them in amongst the disaster memorabilia and Jeremy Clarkson car reviews. One of them looks a bit like Dec.

Belinda Carlisle
Mark: Left ace girl band The Go Gos and grew cheekbones to become somewhat dull solo pop singer. I like the idea of her more than I like listening to her songs but she was quite a good singer so Go Go Belinda!

Sarah; How many comebacks is this now?

Shakin' Stevens
Mark: The Welsh Elvis, whom I hate with the burning intensity of a thousand suns.

Sarah: According to Time Out, Shakey was once a member of the Communist Party of Great Britain. So he really should have been called "Shakin' Stalin". And had a big moustache.

Carol Decker
Mark: Over dramatic lead singer of T'Pau, whose mad staring eyes and mentalist spiral ginger perm make her the "Chrissie from Eastenders" of her generation.

Sarah: Oh. God. I hated T'Pau so much. She was a gymnastics champion, you know.

Honeyz
Mark: The Honeyz are to the 411 what Mica Paris is to Jamelia

Sarah: I think I remember Simon Amstell being rude to them on Popworld a couple of years ago.

Limahl
Mark: Was not "Too Shy" to be lead singer of Kajagoogoo and sing wimpy theme tune to "The Neverending Story". Had famously bad hair.

Sarah: Looking at his picture, the hair is now less awful: more Easyjet cabin steward on a night out than bog brush on heat.

Baccara
Mark: Yes sir! She can boogie! I love her bizarro accent in the spoken word section.

Sarah: Weren't there two of them? And didn't they look like a Roxy Music album cover come to life? I can boogie! Ooogie oogie...

Cutting Crew
Mark: Hideous purveyors of "Adult Oriented Rock" that Dave Lee Travis would like a lot. They would certainly "die in my arms tonight" if I met them in a dark alley and had a gun and a watertight alibi, etc.

Sarah: All I remember about this lot was that they were played almost as much as A-ha on the video jukebox at the University of Ulster at Coleraine student union bar in 1988. I hate them with their dirty raincoats and spiky hair.

Rozalla
Mark: Like a female Haddaway, perhaps

Sarah: No thanks, I've already eaten.

Chesney Hawkes
Mark: What a fame whore. He's only just been on "Microcelebrity Sports Day" and now this. How much longer can he coast on the success of his "One and Only" hit record???

Sarah: My young colleagues tell me he's almost as big on the uni circuit as Timmy Mallet.

Kenny Thomas
Mark: I keep thinking of Kenny Rogers, perhaps proving that there is only room for one "Kenny" in the world of popular music.

Sarah: Didn't he play drums for The Who?

Tiffany
Mark: The Shannen Doherty of pop (and that's a compliment!). Had huge hit with "I think we're alone now" and then disappeared into murk of dodgy tabloid shenanigans and ill-judged Playboy appearances.

Sarah: Wore big jumpers to hide strange, malformed alien body and sang in shopping malls. Next!

Kelly Marie
Mark: No idea, but sounds like she could be the Belgium Eurovision contestant from 1975

Sarah: Umm...who? Bet her real name is Marie Kelly...see what she did there?

The Real Thing
Mark: As in "You to me are everything, the sweetest thing, blah blah blah"?

Sarah: I think that's them. I thought they were making a mint breeding whippets for Crufts or something.

Boy Meets Girl
Mark: OK, they're just making these up now.

Sarah: eh? Probably Eurovision rejects.

According to the bible of trash: Heat magazine, first up this weekend are Gloria Gaynor, Howard Jones, Honeyz, Tiffany and Limahl. Gloria is covering Kylie Minogue and Howard is covering anodyne winebar warbler Dido. Mark's faves to win at the moment are Tiffany, Gloria Gaynor and Belinda Carlisle. Sarah's faves to win are Shakey, The Real Thing, and Jaki Graham because she probably has a heartwarming story that'll capture the hearts of the Great British Public.All this, and Vernon Kaye too...