STRICTLY COME DANCING: SURVIVAL OF THE SLUTTEST

mainly by Sarah, plus Mr P and Mark

Now that Strictly... has a cast of dozens it takes two weeks to just get through the initial stages. Last week's boysfest showed that even John Sergeant could cut a rug - albeit very slowly and with a slightly embarrassed smirk. Phil Daniels made a swift exit as we soon realised why there were three Easties hasbeens in this year's comp.

Brucie and Tess had a few issues with Tess's dress - it was long and cripplingly tight with a train that would never pass muster at a health and safety assessment. Bruce made an awkward attempt at topical comedy - it wasn't as funny as watching Ian Hislop playing "Play Your Cards Right" but he tries...bless him.

First up was Jessie "Slutty Slater" Metcalfe dancing the salsa with Darren. Clips of their training mainly consist of them ROFLing a lot. She's a fine actress with a lovely smile and a filthy laugh. And about as graceful as an ice dancing chicken. Well she had plenty of oomph and chutzpah and wiggled her tassles with a big sexy grin enough to get Len slightly hot and bothered. Craig (is that a mullet?) mumbled something about a fine effort and Arlene told her to watch her hips and feet. Jessie and Darren scored the lowest marks with the judges but could the legions of Easties fans save her bacon?

Christine Presenternator was next with a fluffy rather cute foxtrot. I reckon she's from Derry but no-one was saying. Despite her constant “I’m rubbish, me” style interviews, she is very graceful and elegant. The judges praised her transformation from coltish young presenternator to fully-fledge dancebot in a matter of weeks.

On to Lisa Snowdon and Brendan dancing Brendan's saucy interpretation of a salsa - which seemed to involve Lisa doing an impersonator of a model in a blender. Lisa is wearing a grey and black dress – exactly the colours that first come to mind when one says CARNIVAL!!! You can hear the judges sharpening their knives when Brendan walks on and Lisa doesn't seem to think much of him either. The results show shows Brendan storming out of a backstage interview (I imagine him going to the gents to shout at his reflection and tell himself that he is a WINNAH!! What is he? A WINNAH!!), leaving Lisa sobbing into her sequins. Poor love. They get pretty low marks but are saved by the audience vote.

Sometimes I wonder about the great British public's attitude to the class struggle. Jodie Marsh Kidd dances a perfectly respectable foxtrot with some nifty high leg kicks. Let's face it she's the nearest thing in this competition to one of those sharp witted Amazons who are always trying to trick Bertie Wooster into marriage and a perfect candidate to whisk around a ballroom in a frothy frock. But the audience put her up for the chop - mainly I think because she's posh. Jodie is 6’5” in her heels – yowsa – so we get the predictable comments about how hard it is for tall people to control their gangling nerveless limbs. Craig says she has a lot of body to control and she did it well. That is a mullet.

Foghorn voiced Heather Small is next. Apparently her entire family threatened to disown her if she didn't go in for Strictly. Her partner is Brian Fortuna - King of the Salsa. He seems like a nice enough chap but there's something odd going on with his eyebrows. They seem rather ghostly apparitions of eyebrows that were. And they seem to have bred a brother on his top lip. Anyway eyebrows aside Brian is living proof of my theory that Americans whip the world's collective arse in two things: jazz and dancing. He's bloody fantastic and Heather didn't do too badly in her weird fringey green dress either - there was one really cool bit where she fell over backwards and he caught her by the neck. Bruno calls her the Queen of Salsa but says her musicality could improve. I often thought the same while listening to M-People songs.

Gillian Kaffee Taylforth is next with Anton. I really like her dress. It reminds me of those Edwardian country diary biscuit tins from the 1980s - but in a good way. Kaffee says she is having nightmares about SCD, but surely it can’t be any worse than having to pretend to desire Fill Mitchell? Anton does a very good job of propping Kaffee up around the dance floor and Kaffee smiles winningly but IT'S NOT ENOUGH! Not for the judges or the Great British Public anyway.

Rachel S Club 7 looks v pretty with backcombed hair and an aquamarine ruffly dress with a surprisingly long skirt (surprising when you remember the increasingly trampy outfits that Vincent had Louisa Lytton wear – perhaps he is saving that until the competition is more intense). Vincent has started doing a weird thing where he spits on his fingers and smoothes his eyebrows. He is trying to develop a “schtick” perhaps, but it just makes him look creepy. The routine is v complicated, with some crazy arm tangly moves (why yes, that is the official name for them) and Rachel carries it off with aplomb, albeit with her squeaky clean kids TV persona intact. Bruno predictably goes crazy over a female pop star and they get 8’s across the board.

Cheri Lunghi acted in Oliver Twist once, so Bruce makes a not unfunny joke about how they already have lots of Nancys on the show. James keeps going on that Cheri is well fit for an older bird. Tactful. He then says that Cheri keeps stabbing his feet with her high heels – perhaps these two facts are related. Cheri is foxtrotting in a dress with a bright green skirt that looks a bit like a lettuce. She is very good and there are some sway-y side-to-side bits out of hold that she nails perfectly. All the judges rave about her and she gets 3 8’s and a 9. Yeah well, just wait until jive week.

Mr P writes: There was a collective boy dance (boylective?) called a merengi I think which seemed to involve getting in a sporty huddle at various points and then shooting out a couple from the mob like a Brendan from a disappointment. There is one bit where Tom from Holby waves his arms around like he is trying to karate chop Camilla. Gary Rhodes seems to have improved. John Sergeant was rubbish, but funny. Austin Metro is possibly not as good at Latin as Ballroom. Mark Foster looked a bit dorky (Blogger Mark, who is also v tall and dances like a dork, sympathises). The pro dance was a showcase for new dancers Brian, Hayley and Kristina Aguilerovska, and involved shaking heads violently to and fro (but not in a headbang way) to Michael Jackson's Beat It. I was interested to see if the session guitarist was going to replicate the famous Eddie Van Halen solo or go for something different and push the boundaries. Van Halen it was. I can't help feeling it was an opportunity missed.