TV ROUNDUP

I too have been watching Project Catfight, though I spend most of the time feeling sad that Kelly and Ben etc, are not as entertaining and watchable as Heidi, Tim and Nina Garcia from the American version. This series, they even lost Evil Orange Welsh Goblin Julian MacDonald, whose hilariously evil put downs were always the highlight of the judging round.

The contestants are quite entertaining this time round: there are a couple of vaguely indistinguishable hoxtony looking boys, a burly straight boy (whose days are numbered after putting one model in egg shaped trousers) and an ubergay Chinese guy whose wardrobe includes both clip-on mickey mouse ears and hotpants. He was so taken by the male model in the mackintosh coat round, he sent him down the catwalk in a cut away coat and y-fronts, so his packet was proudly displayed to all and sundry.

I also like the no nonsense housewife (who is doing very well so far) and the scouser girl. To my delight, Stitch Bitch (we called her “Hate Face” chez mark) has been given the boot, after making cheap and dowdy looking clothes for the second week running. Somehow, her clothes always reminded me of things you find in BHS, where you know what they’re trying to do, but it never quite comes off and looks good. She made me feel bad after her eviction when she started crying and going on about her children. Stop humanising her, you dastardly producers!

Masterchef is now as formulaic as Scooby Doo. The judges and voiceover lady say the exact same things every night (“Geordy single mum Angie struggled in the pro kitchen round. Can she impress the judges with her plates of food?”), and contestants are now repeating the judges’ clichés back to them, going on about their “passion for food” etc. Still, it is always fun to see some arrogant city boy type get a slagging off for making beans on toast in the invention test, or to see some of the nasty looking bullshit the “experimental” contestants put together.

I enjoyed Season 1 of Weeds, but Season 2 was a great disappointment. Apparently it improved towards the end, but Sky 3 decided to show the entire 2nd half in one evening without bothering to tell anyone, so I’ll never know. All the regular adult male characters (apart from Conrad), are still intensely irritating. Please, for the love of god, write out Nancy’s brother-in-law! The plot with Nancy marrying Martin Donovan’s DEA agent is completely implausible and has written the show into a corner. Cynthia’s evil bitchiness has turned her into a dislikeable caricature, though they did seem to realise this and back pedalled furiously in later episodes. The two lead actresses still give it their all, and are very good, but the uneven scripts, plethora of annoying characters, and general air of trying too hard are killing the show.

Damages is a fun new series set in the world of high powered litigation! Exciting! Glenn Close is a ruthless uber-lawyer, determined to bring down a sharky multi-squillionaire (Ted Danson, cast very much against type) who was involved in an Enron type scandal that pillaged his employee’s pension funds and left them all destitute. Glenn takes on a shiny new baby lawyer (Rose Byrne, from 28 Weeks Later and Sunshine), though we soon discover that this is only because she knows someone who might be a potential witness. Shenanigans ensue, and we know it all ends in tears, as there are frequent flash forwards to Rose in prison, accused of murdering her painfully bland boyfriend). It is all very convoluted, with everyone backstabbing and betraying each other, to the extent that whenever a new character appears, you think “OMG, do they secretly work for Ted or Glenn?”

Glenn is fantastic in the role, which is the kind of thing she can do with her eyes closed. Even then, the writing and her timing and line deliveries are excellent, with Glenn being the mistress of the innocuously barbed passing remark. Ted is pretty good too. Rose is adequate. Her boyfriend is terrible, but I like that bald shifty guy who plays Ted’s lawyer, who used to be the sketchy prison governor in Oz. I can’t wait to see how it all turns out.

SOUL BRITANNIA DRINKING GAME

Work in progress from me and Mr P.

1. Every time Robert Elms manages to shoehorn trousers into an examination of the social impact of post-war immigration policy and its impact on British society = ONE FINGER
   
2. Every time Van Morrison smiles, either in archive or on present-day footage = REST OF GLASS
   

ITV GOES POSH:Mansfield Park

For those who don't read, here's the plot of Mansfield Park by Jane Austen.

Fanny Price, a poor girl with rich relations, is sent to live with the rich relations at Mansfield Park. This happened a lot in Olden Days. The relations never fail to remind her of her place, except the boring middle son, who is nice to her, and gets her to read good books (always important in Jane Austen World). Along come the Crawfords, a slightly twisted brother and sister seduction team who set about seducing Elder Daughter Maria (played by Teen Slater) away from her rich-but-stupid husband; and Boring Middle Son away from the priesthood. Henry Crawford also tries it on with Fanny, but is rebuffed and runs off with Married Maria instead. This brings SHAME upon the lofty Bertram household and everybody realises that Fanny is actually quite a good egg, and more deserving of Mansfield Park than anybody else. Middle Son bins off the Crawford hussy and marries his cousin instead.

So it's a kind of Cinderella story, with added commentary on the patriarchy, sexual politics, the morality of building one's family fortune on human misery, and loads of other stuff about families, rivalry etc. Fab book.

But this is ITV1, and all ITV1 wants is nice frocks, pretty houses and men in britches jumping in ponds. Thankfully the pond-jumping is avoided, but there are plenty of nice frocks about. One of the prettier touches is the change in Billie/Fanny's clothing as she rises in status. She starts off wearing something in brown cotton, and ends up strolling through the lavender hedges in a gorgeous pale blue satin confection that looks good enough to eat.

Somebody has also decided that, as a poor relation, Billie would not have the usual Regency rules of ladylike decorum forced upon her, and therefore she has to express her free-spiritedness by tearing about the house like her life depends upon it. There she goes up the stairs...and there she goes down the stairs. Good thing it's a big house. Billie isn't as insufferable a little prig as the other Fannies I have seen, but I did wish she'd stop running like a hoyden and do something with her hair. The action was mostly shot on hand held cameras that made you feel slightly seasick, but I think it was to make the point that the bulk of MP is about YOUNG PEOPLE HAVING FUN! and not nice frocks and britches. Look! there goes Billie again...she must have forgotten her hat...

Billie's arch nemesis in MP is not a giant Slitheen or even a Dalek, it's her Aunt Norris, played with twitching evil relish by Maggie O'Neill (aka Her from Shameless). Auntie blames Billie for everything, and is eventually banished for blaming Billie for not marrying Henry Crawford and driving him into Teen's married arms.

Edmund the boring middle son was suitably po-faced and intense. Actually, I thought Roistering Eldest Brother Tom was more interesting, and so did Billie by the look of things. Teen didn't have much to do other than look beautiful (check) and rather calculating (check check). Nothing was made of Fanny Price's bluestocking tendencies (except for a timid question over dinner about slavery), and she wasn't banished to Portsmouth to experience Middle Class Hell after refusing the advances of Henry Crawford.

ITV1 crammed one of Austen's denser novels into two hours by concentrating almost wholly on the central romance, which kind of works if you haven't read the book. It galloped through the more meditative aspects - and believe me, there are a few. I kept wishing they'd slow down a bit, and give Billie a hairbrush.

NEXT WEEK: Northanger Abbey, starring That Hussy Emma Grundy!