NO KELLEY, YOU’RE THE NEXT FASHION VICTIM

Hurrah, Project Catwalk is back, this time with Kelley Osbourne replacing wooden Liz Hurley as the hostess – she is lots better than the Joan Collins de nos generation but still has to cope with the dreadfully stilted scripted bits, oh well.

It’s a reality show for fashion designers where each week they have a task (ie make a stylish dress for Tara Palmerama Tompkinson out of office supplies!) and the worst one gets the boot. The last three have to go away for six months and then come back with a proper collection for the final. The mentor is still Ben De Lisi. I saw some of his fancy frocks in the paper during London Fashion Week so he must be properly famous! His mentoring style involves flapping round telling everyone they are doomed and rubbish and then having a queeny fit when they ignore him. A colleague of my boyfriend was chatted up by Ben in a narsty gay bar in soho the other day. Apparently he (Ben that is) was off his tits…

The judges are (1) a hard faced lady from Grazia (a mag which does not exactly scream “FASHION!!” to me – more like “How to copy Teri Hatcher’s style whilst shopping exclusively at New Look and H&M”) and (2) baleful orange welsh goblin Julian MacDonald. Julian is rocking a dreadful Farrah style perm this series and still amuses us by saying things like “That is the ugliest dress I have ever seen in my life” and “What a load of crap!” to contestants faces.

The competitors have been whittled down and now we have left

1) Giles: A spiteful queen who acts like a David Walliams character all the time and appears to do all his shopping at Burton. My fave moment of the series so far was the look on his face when everyone said he was the worst designer. I hope he loses soon.
2) Wayne: Another gay – this time a fetish club host (ie has to dress up like member of Sigue Sigue Sputnik and say “You’re not coming in dressed like that” for a living). He would be quite handsome apart from his retarded clothes/hair but sadly has a rotten brummy accent. Possible final three but has a tendency to make outfits that are more like costumes than clothes, apparently.
3) Shawla: A girl with a severe fringe who thinks she is the best at everything when she patently isn’t – ie one outfit made the recipient look like a council estate midget, in Julian MacDonald’s professional opinion. What is worse she keeps going on about how awesome she is too. Get evicted soon pls thks.
4) Luke: A cute young black guy with a big afro. Is quite likeable and enthusiastic but is also about twelve years old and not very experienced. I always think he is going to be evicted due to his youthful inexperience and poor time management skillz but then he won last week so I hope he gets to the final three…
5) Monica: A dour Australian girl with a severe bob. Is quite moany and negative but seems to be one of the most talented and skilled and is kind of no nonsense. Dour Australian girl to win!

MASTERCHEF GOES LARGE DRINKING GAME

If you want to guarantee that you’re pissed before 7pm, take a drink whenever…

Anyone says they “have a passion for food”
Anyone is asked whether “they’ve got what it takes to win Masterchef”
Anyone is asked/explains why they want to “change their life”
Anyone says “plate of food”
Any time the competition “just gets tougher”

MYSTERY INGREDIENT CHALLENGE
Any time someone uses every single ingredient in their dish
Any time someone makes something piss easy like cheese on toast or pasta with bits in it.

PROFESSIONAL KITCHEN CHALLENGE
Any time the proper chef asks how long a dish is going to be, the competitor says “Three minutes, chef!” and the proper chef says “Well, you haven’t got three minutes!”
Any time a competitor has to chuck it away and start again from scratch

FINAL COOKING TEST
Any time someone makes something really rank (radish broth??? vom!!!)
Any time a judge refers to “big flavours”
Any time the best looking (male or female) contestant gets through to the next stage

FRIDAY FINAL MYSTERY INGREDIENT TEST
Any time someone gets their fancy flavoured vinegars mixed up

The Pope Dunnit

I fancied a bit of detective tosh last night, to chase off the hangover wrought by champagne cocktails and several glasses of wine at lunch, so settled down to watch Waking The Dead because it's got She Queen, the best thing about Brookie, and Shoestring Trevor Eve in it as a police psychologist and a super Met Chief Inspector type who open up unsolved murder cases, wear white coats, frown at dusty corpses and write on plate glass windows with magic markers. They have a team of youthful underlings who provide something pretty to look at and do all the running around. They also have Tara Fitzgerald as the slightly weird but sexy pathologist. Tara wears a white coat all the time and isn't mean to a winsome Victorian child once; neither does she get her cornet out and treat everybody to a soulful rendition of the Concerto de Aranjuez while shutting down a pit and giving Pete Postlethwaite a heart attack. Which is nice.

So, the plot goes something like this. We get a flashback - last night's was to the 1990s, when hair was big and bankers had secret lovenests behind the filing cabinets. Somebody shoots a shagging couple. Fully clothed. You didn't get naked sex on TV until at least 1997. Fifteen years later, builders in the process of turning the bank into a trendy wine bar hit a ceiling and out drop two skeletons, still at it by the look of things. Cut to Shoestring and She Queen swapping witticisms over coffee while the underlings smirk at each other. Tara pokes the shagging skeletons with a biro and deduces that they were up to No Good. Shoestring links it all to Black Wednesday, and the underlings laugh as She Queen cries: "Norman Lamont! Young 'uns these days ..." Peter Capaldi appears from nowhere as a reformed fraudster who now lectures bankers on what to do with their shit, which is a Freudian analogy for money. Anyway, Peter twinkles at She Queen and uses lots of psychobabble to bamboozle her, but she's a proper psychologist so she only pretends to be bamboozled. At least, I hope so.

A blonde pops up from nowhere, says she's a journalist writing about a missing lady banker who was married to a cocaine dealer from Dublin. DNA shows that yes, it is the lady banker and her lover, and Tara proves, using the young ones as giggling props, that they were killed in flagrante with one bullet. Wow. The youngsters stop giggling and look meaningfully at each other until She Queen turns the hose on them. Not really.

There are a couple of men in suits who look worried, and then after one goes off, the other, slightly more important one picks up his mobile phone and starts speaking in Latin. Something like: "Gettus riddus of that blokeus wot sold us the gearus". Shoestring waves pictures of Roberto Calvi and starts muttering about Opus Dei-led conspiracy theories. I begin to suspect the hand of Ian Paisley in the writing of this script, and the young 'uns smirk. The Gards say they've got better things to do than go around arresting shifty chaps just because some English bastard says they should, so Shoestring has to shifty coke dealer chappie around the disused warehouse himself. Coke dealer falls off a high place despite Shoestring's frantic attempts to save him. Is there any point in watching the conclusion? Or should I just tune in to see Shoestring and She Queen try to arrest the Pope, and fail. So they go for Ruth Kelly instead...

Just The Two Of Us

As the New Year comes upon us many people look at changing things in their lives as they look forward. TV producers are not among those people, they are part of the few who decide that the best way to kick off the New Year is to move an ornament to a new place on the sideboard and try to convince themselves it is new and a change. Hence the 2007 viewing kicks off with some frighteningly weird Celebrities trying to out-stupid each other in a house in Peckham, and alongside? The wonder that is "Just The Two Of Us". Now it has to be said that the only thing worse than a talent competition is a celebrity talent competition however, like Vanessa Feltz to a chocolate eclair, my eyes are inevitably drawn...

Tess and Vern are hosting. The same judges are back, but with the frankly bizarre inclusion of Tito Jackson who is sporting a bowler hat, which along with his lack of neck and large head makes him not unlike an Afro-Carribean Odd Job. Ce Ce Sami is still there being painfully thin and prefacing everything she says with "What singing is all about is...", which makes me imagine that her book on the subject would not be exactly succinct. Trevor Nelson is the resident Nice Bloke again, and to be fair this seems to be genuinely what he is like, and he still looks about twenty-one even though he must be nearer twice that now. And finally we have Stewart Copeland, who obviously dislikes being a respected drummer and composer and would rather have exposure on TV as a shouty septic fool with an array of vacuous soundbites.

The couples:

Fishwife & Hobo (Hannah Waterman & Marti Pellow) . Hobo can sing, Fishwife can sort of. However she makes up for it by showing Tess exactly how to present your bosoms to full and proper effect.

Tiger Woods & Pram Face (Luke Bailey & Natasha Hamilton). I don't know who this lad is, but he has a fair voice and Pramface is always good value, doesn't quite have the spark she had with Scouseman last year though

Chef & T'Pau (Gregg Wallace & Carol Decker). The annoying one from Masterchef has a voice like a goose farting in the fog and Carol Decker still sounds the same, although she looks miles better than she did 20 years ago. They went out first night.

Watchdog & Dyejob (Julia Bradbury & Tony Christie). She really can't sing, but did better on the swing night, and Dyejob has terrible hair and dead, black shark eyes.

Love-Rat & Goddess (Brendan Cole & Beverley Knight). Love-rat is not a half bad singer actually, and his stage presence is pretty good. Beverley is flawless as always and can sing anything, as well as being a Goddess.

Joc & Jim (Jocelyn Brown and John Bardon) Ah the token comedy celeb wo can't sing but will probably get to the final. Joc is as always far too earnest in her praise but fabulous

Squeaky & Sweaty (Janet Ellis and Alaxander O'Neal). Sweaty must be well brassed off, he got Fiona Bruce last year and now he's got this one. They went out second night and unless I am very much mistaken Sweaty was absolutely flying on some chemical based substance, as he was twitching and muttering like a good 'un

Butch & Bitch (Mark Butcher & Sarah Brightman) Butch really can sing, and is easily the best celeb from that point of view - not that it makes a difference when the public are involved. Bitch looks better now than she did in the 80s ( bit of a theme here?) and is keeping the screeching to a minumum so that is a bonus.

So there you have it. It is largely awful, but no doubt I will be glued to it right til the bitter end as usual..

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

Well, it's here at last. Our six-monthly fix of classic reality TV is on RIGHT NOW. Coming to you live and direct from a sofa in glamorous Peckham, the TV Dinners BB team (well, Sarah and Mr P anyway) is on hand with reactions, arguments about whose turn it is to make the tea, and carefully honed insults.

Davina appears to have gone for the Croydon Vampire look this evening. I haven't seen earrings that big since Sade was going out with Robert Elms. This year's house hasn't changed much. The hot tub is bigger and the outside seats are heated. The Slebs apparently demand privacy in the toilet and shower, which I'm quite glad about actually. If I want to see some washed out old has-been chopping out lines in the middle of the night I'll go to China Whites

Mark Oh shut up Davina, you're not funny and just because you've had a few babies it doesn't mean you're an expert on wombs. I also made comments on her witch like attire, though there is the possibility that she was going to pull off a daring jewel theft straight after the show.

Housemate 1: JERMAINE JACKSON
OK, what's going on here? Has somebody on high decided that the Jacksons MUST PAY for the destruction of young Michael's soul by appearing on crappy reality shows. Last night we had Tito in a bowler hat, delivering soul man Yoda-isms on Just the Two of Us ("Mmm...listen to the record you must"). And on Channel 4 we have Jermaine Jackson going into the Big Brother house. Jermaine is a clean freak who does white glove tests on the furniture. He is also a very picky eater, and doesn't know if he'll have to cook his own meals. His face appears to have melted.

Apparently he loves the Central Line.

Mark ...and has stolen Grace Jone's hair. I wonder if the Jackson family get a bulk discount for those hideous braided pseudo military jackets?

Housemate 2: Danielle Lloyd?
Apparently a former ex Miss Great Britain who was had her title taken away for dating one of the judges, who happens to be God of Football (shut up Mark) Teddy Sheringham. Shopaholic Scouser and "full time model" - pretty enough, but a bit bland. Why are people booing her? Does she skin kittens and wear them on her feet?

She thinks Winston Churchill was Britain's first black prime minister.

Don't think she knows who Jermaine is. Awkward silence. Nope, she definitely doesn't know who Jermaine is...

Mark I'm sorry but Teddy Sheringham has a face like a bag of spanners and she could surely do better. What people will do to get their hands on a Top Shop store card, eh?

Housemate 3: Ken Russell
WHAAAAT?

Yes, THAT Ken Russell. Alan Bates doing naked wrestling in front of the fire... future London Mayor candidate Glenda Jackson getting her threps out...Oliver Reed tossing crocodiles out of the window.... He comes out of the car yodelling Singing in the Rain and looking a bit scared. Apparently he identifies with Mad Pete and starts doing Tourettes style jerking and swearing. Oh dear.

Neither Danielle or Jermaine know who he is. He introduces himself as "an old film maker" and says they've never heard of his films.

Mark WTF??? Did Michael Winner ask for too much money or something? Gets out of his car dressed as a gypsy troubador for some reason and seems to be very very drunk. Davina has to help him down the stairs - perhaps they can get a Stannah stairlift installed in time for his eviction.

Housemate 4: Jo off SClub
Didn't she do Just the Two of Us last year? Anyway, I remember she was the one who could actually sing (though the Atomic Kitten was still way better). Has retired from the music industry to breed very ugly small dogs. The Heat photographer goes crazy and she's blinded by the paparazzi flashes. Lot of SClub fans in tonight. She looks scared and denies any plans to bring out a single when it's all over. Yeah, right...

I think she'll get on well with Ken. He'll probably cast her as Clara Schumann in his next composer biopic.

Mark Seems like a very nice girl. All the gays in the audience go crazy

Housemate 5: Leo Sayer
I would have thought he'd have made enough money from that summer 06 number 1. Oh well. He's "very positive" and doesn't have many negative qualities. Apart from making you want to punch him repeatedly in the face. The mid-Ulster farmer's daughter who lived next door to me in Halls was Leo Sayer's Number 1 fan and had posters of him all over her room. She also collected Leo memorabilia...

Jermaine greets him like an old friend, and Ken says: "Oooh...I know who you are..."

Mark Oh good, a wacky fun housemate. We don't get enough of them.

Housemate 6: Shulpa Sheti
Ah... a Bollywood queen. Is scared by the idea that people might not recognise her. Constantly travels with an entourage. Polite cheers from the crowd. Well, she is very glam and queenly, if slightly dim. Thinks her reception is a bit low-key and hasn't seen much of Big Brother. Davina is beside herself with glee and has to help her up the stairs.

Ken's going to love her. Danielle greets her politely with a "Who the hell are you?" look.

Mark Very beautiful and glamorous. I somehow can't see her mud wrestling in a paddling pool full of offal though. I wonder if loads of British Asians will vote for her and keep her in, like when you see all those Bollywood films in the top 10 UK box office.

Housemate 7: Carole Malone
A tabloid columnist. Doesn't like WAGS (oops...that's Danielle buggered then) or people who are famous for appearing in reality shows. Apparently doing the show because she's a journalist and it's the best story ever. Think Vanessa Feltz scooped you in CBB1, Carole.

Swears a lot. Somebody shouts: "Who are yer?"

Walks in and tells everybody that she knew they'd be there.

Mark I can only assume she has a book deal or something. I instinctively want to hate her but she doesn't seem too bad really.

Housemate 8: Donny Tourette
Lead singer of the Towers of London - a young persons band, I presume. Kind of Rainbow meets Bad News meets Splodgenessabounds meets an Amish TV producer's idea of a rock band. Spits, swears and looks like Paul Kaye playing Rod Stewart. Bet his real name is Oliver.

Greets Leo Sayer like a long-lost brother. Apparently he used to hang out chez Leo in Buckinghamshire...

Mark Is apparently most famous for (a) going out with Peaches Geldof and (b) starting fights with people and losing, ha ha. So an irritating dull scenester c**t, then?

Housemate 9: H from Steps
Or Ian, as he is called now he's a Serious Actor. Oh hang on, I read in somebody's else's Metro that H has come out as gay. Isn't that like cheese admitting that it's made from fermented milk?

His biggest fear is crotch shots. He wants to be himself and make lots of wicked friends. I give him a week.

Big hugs from Jo SClub. Awww...bless.

Mark Looks about 1 million times better with dark brown hair but is still an irritating clown. Ohs noes - he will split the "gays with bad taste in music " vote for Jo.

Housemate 10: Cleo Roccas
I remember her cleavage from the Kenny Everett show in the 70s, and she appears to have aged quite well. Sees herself as a "happy doodle on God's telephone pad". Maybe the housemates will band together and rub her out.

Classic quote: "I'm into Oil. Old, Ill, and Loaded..." Gets a house point for that.

Mark (shrugs vaguely) Could be fun or could be like Suzy from the last normal BB.

Housemate 11: Dirk Benedict
Face from the A-Team. Admits to specialising in the "shallow" and "vapid". Hates groups, being observed and working. Mr P mildly excited, but I never watched the A-Team so I've no idea who he is.

Enters in an A-team style van puffing a cigar. We like that. Does lots of tiresome goofing about for the screaming mob. Davina says that famous Hannibal Smith line and in he goes.

Looks terrified. Immediately hits on Danielle..

Mark I used to watch the A-Team and Face was the least hateful one! I hope there is a task where he has to build a tank out of fruit crates and washing up liquid bottles.

Housemate 12:
Well, they don't move in until Friday. And it's going to be a family. Who will adopt the cutest celebrity or something like that, and Davina says that the slebs should fight adoption with all their sleb might. So, what, the Gallaghers are moving in? Or maybe it's the next door neighbours from HELL who used to throw eggs and assorted foodstuff at us?