Just The Two Of Us

As the New Year comes upon us many people look at changing things in their lives as they look forward. TV producers are not among those people, they are part of the few who decide that the best way to kick off the New Year is to move an ornament to a new place on the sideboard and try to convince themselves it is new and a change. Hence the 2007 viewing kicks off with some frighteningly weird Celebrities trying to out-stupid each other in a house in Peckham, and alongside? The wonder that is "Just The Two Of Us". Now it has to be said that the only thing worse than a talent competition is a celebrity talent competition however, like Vanessa Feltz to a chocolate eclair, my eyes are inevitably drawn...

Tess and Vern are hosting. The same judges are back, but with the frankly bizarre inclusion of Tito Jackson who is sporting a bowler hat, which along with his lack of neck and large head makes him not unlike an Afro-Carribean Odd Job. Ce Ce Sami is still there being painfully thin and prefacing everything she says with "What singing is all about is...", which makes me imagine that her book on the subject would not be exactly succinct. Trevor Nelson is the resident Nice Bloke again, and to be fair this seems to be genuinely what he is like, and he still looks about twenty-one even though he must be nearer twice that now. And finally we have Stewart Copeland, who obviously dislikes being a respected drummer and composer and would rather have exposure on TV as a shouty septic fool with an array of vacuous soundbites.

The couples:

Fishwife & Hobo (Hannah Waterman & Marti Pellow) . Hobo can sing, Fishwife can sort of. However she makes up for it by showing Tess exactly how to present your bosoms to full and proper effect.

Tiger Woods & Pram Face (Luke Bailey & Natasha Hamilton). I don't know who this lad is, but he has a fair voice and Pramface is always good value, doesn't quite have the spark she had with Scouseman last year though

Chef & T'Pau (Gregg Wallace & Carol Decker). The annoying one from Masterchef has a voice like a goose farting in the fog and Carol Decker still sounds the same, although she looks miles better than she did 20 years ago. They went out first night.

Watchdog & Dyejob (Julia Bradbury & Tony Christie). She really can't sing, but did better on the swing night, and Dyejob has terrible hair and dead, black shark eyes.

Love-Rat & Goddess (Brendan Cole & Beverley Knight). Love-rat is not a half bad singer actually, and his stage presence is pretty good. Beverley is flawless as always and can sing anything, as well as being a Goddess.

Joc & Jim (Jocelyn Brown and John Bardon) Ah the token comedy celeb wo can't sing but will probably get to the final. Joc is as always far too earnest in her praise but fabulous

Squeaky & Sweaty (Janet Ellis and Alaxander O'Neal). Sweaty must be well brassed off, he got Fiona Bruce last year and now he's got this one. They went out second night and unless I am very much mistaken Sweaty was absolutely flying on some chemical based substance, as he was twitching and muttering like a good 'un

Butch & Bitch (Mark Butcher & Sarah Brightman) Butch really can sing, and is easily the best celeb from that point of view - not that it makes a difference when the public are involved. Bitch looks better now than she did in the 80s ( bit of a theme here?) and is keeping the screeching to a minumum so that is a bonus.

So there you have it. It is largely awful, but no doubt I will be glued to it right til the bitter end as usual..