CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER

Well, it's here at last. Our six-monthly fix of classic reality TV is on RIGHT NOW. Coming to you live and direct from a sofa in glamorous Peckham, the TV Dinners BB team (well, Sarah and Mr P anyway) is on hand with reactions, arguments about whose turn it is to make the tea, and carefully honed insults.

Davina appears to have gone for the Croydon Vampire look this evening. I haven't seen earrings that big since Sade was going out with Robert Elms. This year's house hasn't changed much. The hot tub is bigger and the outside seats are heated. The Slebs apparently demand privacy in the toilet and shower, which I'm quite glad about actually. If I want to see some washed out old has-been chopping out lines in the middle of the night I'll go to China Whites

Mark Oh shut up Davina, you're not funny and just because you've had a few babies it doesn't mean you're an expert on wombs. I also made comments on her witch like attire, though there is the possibility that she was going to pull off a daring jewel theft straight after the show.

Housemate 1: JERMAINE JACKSON
OK, what's going on here? Has somebody on high decided that the Jacksons MUST PAY for the destruction of young Michael's soul by appearing on crappy reality shows. Last night we had Tito in a bowler hat, delivering soul man Yoda-isms on Just the Two of Us ("Mmm...listen to the record you must"). And on Channel 4 we have Jermaine Jackson going into the Big Brother house. Jermaine is a clean freak who does white glove tests on the furniture. He is also a very picky eater, and doesn't know if he'll have to cook his own meals. His face appears to have melted.

Apparently he loves the Central Line.

Mark ...and has stolen Grace Jone's hair. I wonder if the Jackson family get a bulk discount for those hideous braided pseudo military jackets?

Housemate 2: Danielle Lloyd?
Apparently a former ex Miss Great Britain who was had her title taken away for dating one of the judges, who happens to be God of Football (shut up Mark) Teddy Sheringham. Shopaholic Scouser and "full time model" - pretty enough, but a bit bland. Why are people booing her? Does she skin kittens and wear them on her feet?

She thinks Winston Churchill was Britain's first black prime minister.

Don't think she knows who Jermaine is. Awkward silence. Nope, she definitely doesn't know who Jermaine is...

Mark I'm sorry but Teddy Sheringham has a face like a bag of spanners and she could surely do better. What people will do to get their hands on a Top Shop store card, eh?

Housemate 3: Ken Russell
WHAAAAT?

Yes, THAT Ken Russell. Alan Bates doing naked wrestling in front of the fire... future London Mayor candidate Glenda Jackson getting her threps out...Oliver Reed tossing crocodiles out of the window.... He comes out of the car yodelling Singing in the Rain and looking a bit scared. Apparently he identifies with Mad Pete and starts doing Tourettes style jerking and swearing. Oh dear.

Neither Danielle or Jermaine know who he is. He introduces himself as "an old film maker" and says they've never heard of his films.

Mark WTF??? Did Michael Winner ask for too much money or something? Gets out of his car dressed as a gypsy troubador for some reason and seems to be very very drunk. Davina has to help him down the stairs - perhaps they can get a Stannah stairlift installed in time for his eviction.

Housemate 4: Jo off SClub
Didn't she do Just the Two of Us last year? Anyway, I remember she was the one who could actually sing (though the Atomic Kitten was still way better). Has retired from the music industry to breed very ugly small dogs. The Heat photographer goes crazy and she's blinded by the paparazzi flashes. Lot of SClub fans in tonight. She looks scared and denies any plans to bring out a single when it's all over. Yeah, right...

I think she'll get on well with Ken. He'll probably cast her as Clara Schumann in his next composer biopic.

Mark Seems like a very nice girl. All the gays in the audience go crazy

Housemate 5: Leo Sayer
I would have thought he'd have made enough money from that summer 06 number 1. Oh well. He's "very positive" and doesn't have many negative qualities. Apart from making you want to punch him repeatedly in the face. The mid-Ulster farmer's daughter who lived next door to me in Halls was Leo Sayer's Number 1 fan and had posters of him all over her room. She also collected Leo memorabilia...

Jermaine greets him like an old friend, and Ken says: "Oooh...I know who you are..."

Mark Oh good, a wacky fun housemate. We don't get enough of them.

Housemate 6: Shulpa Sheti
Ah... a Bollywood queen. Is scared by the idea that people might not recognise her. Constantly travels with an entourage. Polite cheers from the crowd. Well, she is very glam and queenly, if slightly dim. Thinks her reception is a bit low-key and hasn't seen much of Big Brother. Davina is beside herself with glee and has to help her up the stairs.

Ken's going to love her. Danielle greets her politely with a "Who the hell are you?" look.

Mark Very beautiful and glamorous. I somehow can't see her mud wrestling in a paddling pool full of offal though. I wonder if loads of British Asians will vote for her and keep her in, like when you see all those Bollywood films in the top 10 UK box office.

Housemate 7: Carole Malone
A tabloid columnist. Doesn't like WAGS (oops...that's Danielle buggered then) or people who are famous for appearing in reality shows. Apparently doing the show because she's a journalist and it's the best story ever. Think Vanessa Feltz scooped you in CBB1, Carole.

Swears a lot. Somebody shouts: "Who are yer?"

Walks in and tells everybody that she knew they'd be there.

Mark I can only assume she has a book deal or something. I instinctively want to hate her but she doesn't seem too bad really.

Housemate 8: Donny Tourette
Lead singer of the Towers of London - a young persons band, I presume. Kind of Rainbow meets Bad News meets Splodgenessabounds meets an Amish TV producer's idea of a rock band. Spits, swears and looks like Paul Kaye playing Rod Stewart. Bet his real name is Oliver.

Greets Leo Sayer like a long-lost brother. Apparently he used to hang out chez Leo in Buckinghamshire...

Mark Is apparently most famous for (a) going out with Peaches Geldof and (b) starting fights with people and losing, ha ha. So an irritating dull scenester c**t, then?

Housemate 9: H from Steps
Or Ian, as he is called now he's a Serious Actor. Oh hang on, I read in somebody's else's Metro that H has come out as gay. Isn't that like cheese admitting that it's made from fermented milk?

His biggest fear is crotch shots. He wants to be himself and make lots of wicked friends. I give him a week.

Big hugs from Jo SClub. Awww...bless.

Mark Looks about 1 million times better with dark brown hair but is still an irritating clown. Ohs noes - he will split the "gays with bad taste in music " vote for Jo.

Housemate 10: Cleo Roccas
I remember her cleavage from the Kenny Everett show in the 70s, and she appears to have aged quite well. Sees herself as a "happy doodle on God's telephone pad". Maybe the housemates will band together and rub her out.

Classic quote: "I'm into Oil. Old, Ill, and Loaded..." Gets a house point for that.

Mark (shrugs vaguely) Could be fun or could be like Suzy from the last normal BB.

Housemate 11: Dirk Benedict
Face from the A-Team. Admits to specialising in the "shallow" and "vapid". Hates groups, being observed and working. Mr P mildly excited, but I never watched the A-Team so I've no idea who he is.

Enters in an A-team style van puffing a cigar. We like that. Does lots of tiresome goofing about for the screaming mob. Davina says that famous Hannibal Smith line and in he goes.

Looks terrified. Immediately hits on Danielle..

Mark I used to watch the A-Team and Face was the least hateful one! I hope there is a task where he has to build a tank out of fruit crates and washing up liquid bottles.

Housemate 12:
Well, they don't move in until Friday. And it's going to be a family. Who will adopt the cutest celebrity or something like that, and Davina says that the slebs should fight adoption with all their sleb might. So, what, the Gallaghers are moving in? Or maybe it's the next door neighbours from HELL who used to throw eggs and assorted foodstuff at us?